A Man's Retirement Holiday Cruise
retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a holiday. He booked
himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of
his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with
no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the next island where I had landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to
make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. What's next?
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..."he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,"…
You've built a Golf Course?"
Alternative Golfing Terms
A Diegio Maradonna – a very nasty five footer
A Salman Rushdie – an impossible read
A Cuban – needs one more revolution
An Elton John – a big bender that lips the rim
An Adolf Hitler – two shots in the bunker
A Yasser Arafat – ugly and in the sand
A Kate Winslett – a bit fat but otherwise perfect
A Kate Moss – bit thin
A Gerry Adams – playing a Provisional
A Rodney King – over-clubbed
An O. J. Simpson – got away with it
A Princess Grace – should have taken a driver
A Princess Di – shouldn’t have taken a driver
A Ladyboy – looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems
An elephant’s arse – high and sh*tty
A condom – safe but didn’t feel real good
A circus tent – a BIG top
An Anna Kournikova – looks great, but unlikely to get a result
A Vinnie Jones – nasty kick when you’re not expecting it
A Ryanair – flies well but lands a long way from the target
A sister-in-law – up there but I know that I shouldn’t be
Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden . . .POOF!!
flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother
Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing
what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of
your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest
of your life... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything
the rest of your life!!!
Then POOF! . . . she was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'
Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'
Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!'
Anything You Want
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.
American golfer playing in
big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the
little guy, reviving him.
What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the
golfer walks off.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... A
great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and The American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the
woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all
"Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic Priest in a small parish."
Dave had a week off and decided to play golf every day. Monday morning, he found himself paired with an attractive woman, Pat, who turned out to be a very good golfer.
They started with a few casual bets, but by the back nine it was a full-blown competition. On the 18th green, Pat sank her long birdie putt for the win. Dave congratulated her and paid off his losses. Pat asked for a ride home and, on the way, told him, 'You know, Dave, I haven't enjoyed myself so much on the golf course in a long time. In fact, pull over so I can express my appreciation.'
He did, they kissed, and one thing led to another and soon she gave him the best oral sex he'd ever had.
The next morning, they met again on the first tee and played together again. They had another magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing tight, competitive golf.
Again Pat beat him, but she also showed her appreciation on the drive home. This went on all week, with Dave narrowly losing every day, his male ego bruised, but not unhappy.
On Friday's drive home, Dave said, 'Pat, you've been great to be with all this week and tonight I'd like to return the favour. I made reservations at the best restaurant in town for us and reserved the penthouse suite at the best hotel. What do you say?'
Pat burst into tears. 'I can't!'
'What? Why not?' asked Dave.
'Because,' she sobbed, 'I'm in the middle of a sex change and the doctor hasn't completed that part of me yet!'
'What?!' Aghast, Dave swerved off the road, screeched to a stop and cursed madly, overcome with emotion.
'I'm so sorry,' says Pat. 'You have a right to be angry with me.'
'You b*****d!' Dave screamed, his face bright red. 'You cheating b*****!
All week long you've been playing off the women's tees!!'
A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: 'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.'
The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.'
THE GOLFING NUN
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"
A father, son and grandson went to
the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first
tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.
She explained that another member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she can join them.
Naturally, the guys all agreed. Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke, have a beer, bet, swear or tell off-colour stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.
With that the guys agreed to relax
and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as
she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball
270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green. The father's mouth was
agape. That was beautiful," he said.
The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it and I have faded it a little."
After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out a nine iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.) The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."
The blonde frowned and said, "It
was a little weak. I've left a tricky little putt." Before tapping in the
five-footer for a birdie.
Having the honours, she drove first on the second hole and knocked the hell out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.
When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and has a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year old Royal Salute Scotch in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night.
The yuppie son jumped at the thought. He strolled across the green, carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.
The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.
The old grey haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to the her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"
AGE WILL TRIUMPH OVER YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME
The Newly Weds
old folks got married. As they were lying in their wedding suite, staring at the
ceiling, the old man says, "I haven't been completely honest with you. I
think the world of you, but you are only number two to
They both stare at the ceiling for a bit then the woman says, "While we're baring our souls, I'd guess I better tell you that I've been a hooker all my life".
The man jumps out of bed, looks at her a moment then says, "Have you tried widening your stance and adjusting your grip?"
A man walks into confessional and says, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned..."
The priest replies, "What is it that brings you here?"
"Well father, I used the F-word over the weekend."
"Oh, is that all? Say five Hail Marys and may the Lord be with you."
The man replies, "But I really need to talk about it."
"Let's have it then," the priest says as he leans back on the hard wooden bench.
"You see Father, I was playing golf this weekend, and on the first tee, I was lining up my drive and proceeded to hit a horrendous slice into the trees."
"And that's when you cursed aloud?" the Father queried.
"No, not yet. As luck would have it, I found my ball and had a clear shot to the green from a nice lie; when all of a sudden, a squirrel scampered out of some bushes, picked up my ball by its teeth and darted up a tree."
"That must have been when you cursed?"
"No, because just as the squirrel had climbed to the top of the tree, a bird swooped out of the skies and grabbed the squirrel with its talons. The bird flew out of the trees and back out over the green. Then, the squirrel dropped my ball from its mouth, landing 5 inches from the cup!"
"And that's when you cursed aloud," the priest said assuredly.
The Father interjected, "Don't tell me you missed the F&%@!*#G putt.
Be A Real Golfer
James and his friend Tom were playing a round of golf with their wives early on Sunday. James stood on the 10th tee having hooked his previous three tee shots, and to no one's surprise he hooked his drive again. When he found his ball, it was right up against one of the greenkeeper's buildings. His wife advised him to hit the shot through a narrow gap between the side of the greenkeeper's building and some branches. " I can't do that" James said. " Look how narrow that gap is ! " But his wife was persistent in urging him on and she persuaded James to attempt the risky shot.
So James took a mighty swing and struck the ball....and the ball careered off a tree branch, ricocheted off the building and hit his wife in the head, knocking her stone cold dead. A week later after the funeral, James and another friend, Ashley, were having a round. James teed up the ball on No. 10 and hit the exact shot he had a week before. He found his ball in the same spot and one again his partner advised him to hit through the gap.
"No way" James said. "I can't hit that shot."
"Why not ?" Ashley asked him.
"Well," James replied. "you know what happened last time."
"No, I don't," said Ashley. "What happened?"
"Well, last time I tried that shot," James said, " I made a triple bogey !!"
It was a sunny Friday morning on the first hole of a busy course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.
"Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!"
I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.
Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee."
I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled "Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE!"
I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike, cupped my hands and shouted back, "Would the pr**k in the clubhouse kindly shut the f**k up and let me play my second shot?"
Ode To The Golf Ball
In my hand I hold a ball,
White and dimpled, rather small.
Oh, how bland it does appear,
This harmless looking little
by it's size I could not
The awesome strength it does
But since I fell beneath its spell,
I've wandered through the fires of hell.
My life has not been quite the same,
Since I chose to play this stupid game
.it rules my mind for hours on end,
A fortune it has made me spend.
it has made me yell, curse and cry,
I hate myself and want to die.
It promises a thing called par,
If I can hit it straight and far.
To master such a tiny ball,
Should not be very hard at all.
But my desires the ball refuses,
And does exactly as it chooses.
it hooks and slices, dribbles and dies,
And even disappears before my eyes.
Often it will have a whim,
To hit a tree or take a swim.
With miles of grass on which to land,
It finds a tiny patch of sand.
Then has me offering up my soul,
If only it would find the hole.
it's made me whimper like a pup,
And swear that I will give it up.
And take to drink to ease my sorrow,
But the damn ball knows.........
I'll be back tomorrow.
Royal Phaic Tan Golf Club
Extract from an article about the Royal Phaic Tan Golf Club in the Jetlag travel guide by Santo Cilauro, Tom Gleisner and Rob Sitch.
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion,
multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this", said the man.
"I was having a quiet round Of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole,
we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows.
We went to look for them, and while I was rooting
around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked
over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my
wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.
That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, honey this looks like yours!' .... I don't remember much after that."
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