 Monday,
August 12 2:00 PM EDT
 Predator Enters California Gubernatorial Race
By Cody James
Sacramento,
CA - The pool of candidates vying for governor of California grew
once again today as Predator, a trophy-hunting Yautja from a distant
planetary system, announced his candidacy.
"It is
with great pleasure, the very sort I get from ripping the spines
from living creatures and hoisting them triumphantly overhead
as they drip with still-warm blood, that I officially enter the
race for governor of this great state," he said in a press
conference yesterday evening.
Little is known
about the mysterious creature's political ties, save for the fact
that he has a history with both Jesse "Blain" Ventura,
former governor of Minnesota, and Arnold "Dutch" Schwarzenegger,
who announced his candidacy on August 6th. Ventura's last encounter
with Predator ended in his grisly evisceration in the jungles
of Central America and he was unavailable for comment. Schwarzenegger,
however, responded defiantly to the news. "If it bleeds [voters],
we can kill it [in the political arena]," he said.
Predator, who
refused to remove his bio-helmet for photos, said one of his key
objectives if elected will be reforming California's tough laws
regarding weapons, stating, "The ability to defend yourselves,
however fruitless, is germane to the thrill of the hunt [for the
governorship]."
Predator then
continued by joking, "My opponents say that it's time to
'clean house' in Sacramento. If elected, my gyro-controlled smart
weapon will slice effortlessly through the bone and tendons of
corrupt legislators and return to me, ready for more carnage.
If they want to clean something, they can come clean that."
Indeed, many
of Predator's references seemed directed toward Schwarzenegger,
for whom the creature seems to have strong enmity. "He will
not escape my wrath [when debating in an open forum]. Not even
a serendipitous cloak of muck[raking] can hide him from the cold,
emotionless gaze of my upgraded vision system. I'm no longer limited
by the infrared spectrum, I assure you."
Predator concluded
the press conference by activating a light-bending camouflage
device and bounding away through the trees. Many in attendance
thanked him for his statements, to which he said, "Anytime."
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