I guess this is my muck about page where some strange utterances
may or may not occur. There could be a picture, or a joke, a download
or two or something which may be interesting - depends whether
I feel like putting something up here.
Thanks Wein for reminding me how this disgusting joke goes hahahah
Why is the Starship Enterprise like toilet paper?
Because both circle around Uranus looking for Klingons. (just
say it out loud and you'll understand so long as you are familiar
with Star Trek)
Courtroom Questions Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association
Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of
witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the
responses given by insightful witnesses:
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the
war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes." Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes." Q: "How many
were boys?" A: "None." Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon,
didn't you? A: "I went to Europe, sir." Q: "And you took your
new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was about medium
height and had a beard." Q: "Was this a male or female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?" A: "No, this is how I dress
when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did
you go to?" A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" A:
"The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m." Q: "And Mr. Dennington
was dead at the time?" A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an autopsy."
20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?" A: "No, I was shot
midway between the fracas and the naval."
21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" A: "I have
been since early childhood."
22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No." Q: "Did you check for breathing?" A: "No." Q: "So, then
it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?" A: "Because his
brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q: "But could the patient
have still been alive nevertheless?" A: "It is possible that he
could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
Thanks Uncle John!
> Three Engineers in a Car >
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a
chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just
stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at
each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer
suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying
to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer,
not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming
emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft
engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion,
"Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, then
open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!?"
Thanks Sam
Funny word document - Heathrow.doc
Ok this small video is not pornographic ok! Download it (right
click and select Save As - save it somewhere on your computer)
for a bit of a laugh.
Funny Video
COMPUTER GENDER
A language instructor was explaining to her class that in french,
nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated
as masculine or feminine.
"House," in French, is feminine - "la maison. "Pencil," in French,
is masculine "le crayon."
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" The teacher
did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So
for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough,
by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should
be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to
give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of
the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory
for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your pay check on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
masculine ("le computer"), because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the
time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you'd waited
a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
Ta Mel
Ice Fishing
A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a
winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book
she could find on ice fishing. For weeks she read and studied
every book, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she
decided she knew enough, and out she went for her first ice fishing
trip.
She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment
needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own
special place in her kit. When she got to the ice, she found a
quiet little area, placed her padded stool, and carefully laid
out her tools. Just as she was about to make her first cut into
the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no
fish under the ice!"
Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further
along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and
started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed,
"There are no fish under the ice!"
Amazed, the blonde wasn't quite sure what to do, as this certainly
wasn't covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and
moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for
a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful
to set everything up perfectly -- tools in the right place, chair
positioned just so, everything.
Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again,
"There are no fish under the ice!" Petrified, the blonde looked
skyward and asked "Is that you Lord?" The voice boomed back, "No,
this is the manager of the skating rink!"
Thanks JJ
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually
mean)
10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred
banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic
geezer.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest
dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I'm waiting for a rich
Sugardaddy.)
6. I've got a boyfriend. (I've got a vibrator.)
5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even
date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the
same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring
and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (One look at you and I'm ready to swear off
men altogether.) ...and the number 1 rejection line given by women
(and what it actually means)
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell
you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and
have sex with.)
Thanks Mich
OUCH!
Yo momma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized!
Yo momma so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone!
Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise!
Yo momma so fat she's got her own area code!
Yo momma so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried
out for Star Wars.
Yo momma so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the
surveillence cameras.
Thanks Nade
My friend James will now be known as the Captain from now on
(1/7/2000) for reasons only a few of us know (heheheheheh). And
contrary to popular belief, it's not because he's the "Captain
of the Lurrrve, baby!" :)
MEDICAL HUMOR
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity
test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began,
"Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line
perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both,"
I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large
E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly
what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered.
I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
A nurses' aide was helping a patient into the bathroom when the
patient exclaimed, "You're not coming in here with me. This is
only a one-seater!"
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,
he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of
his medications. "Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch. The
nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm
running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress
and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see....Yes, the man had
over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal
of the old patch before applying a new one.
A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her
baby in the cab!" The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out
to the cab, lifts the lady's dress, and begins to take off her
underwear. Suddenly he notices that there are several cabs, and
he's in the wrong one.
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife
that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not
more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest
of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her stethoscope
on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's posterior chest
wall. "Big breaths," instructed the nurse. "Yes, they used to
be," remorsed the patient.
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping
wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good looking
and athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt. "Darling
wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child
really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will
forgive you if..." The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest,
absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you
are his father." The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under
her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
I'll "regurgitate" a rendition of a joke which I heard
a while ago but is pretty damn funny (not to mention quite disgusting)
- hopefully you're not eating dinner while you're reading this
:)
There was a bartender, and he was serving his customers some
drinks when in walks a street tramp. The tramp stumbles up to
the bar and asks the barman "Can I have a toothpick?"
Thinking this as a strange request, he said nothing but he gave
the tramp what he wanted nonetheless.
Not a minute passed when another tramp came up to the bar and
mumbled to the barman "Can I have a toothpick please?"
The barman thought to himself, "That's very weird - two same
strange requests in the one night," but he still gave the
second tramp what he wanted.
About half a minute later another tramp came up to the bar. Even
before the tramp could say anything the barman said "I know
what you want - you want a toothpick right?"
The tramp replied "Nah .... actually I would like a straw
thanks!"
Confused, the barman asked the tramp "Why did you ask for
a straw? I had two guys in here just now like you that asked for
toothpicks instead. What's the story with that?"
"Well, you see, someone threw up outside, but all the good
bits have gone," was the reply.
Old crude lawyer joke:
What's the difference between a dead rabbit on the road and a
dead lawyer on the road?
A: The dead rabbit has skid marks before it.
There was a guy driving along a country road when he passed a
sign which said "Get screwed by nuns - 500m". He couldn't
believe his eyes but sure enough, he came up to a church and the
building next to it said "The Sisters of Mercy" on a
banner above the door. He parked the car and walked in, and asked
the old nun at the door "I passed a sign saying that I could
be screwed by some nuns about 500m back that way - is that true??
I've been needing some for a while!". The old nun confirmed
his statement, and then said "That will be $50 thanks."
Willingly he paid up and went through the back door of the room
only to find himself in a long corridor. At the end of the corridor
he found himself at another door, and upon opening it and stepping
out, he found himself back outside with a sign next to him saying
"Thank you - you have now been screwed by the Sisters of
Mercy."
Heard this on tv and somewhere else before too - Why don't women
fart as much as men? Because they don't shut up long enough to
build up pressure!
Stupid or absolutely crude jokes:
What's brown and green and if it fell out of a tree on your head
would kill you? A pool table.
Why did the fly fall out of the sky? Because it had a piano tied
to its leg.
How do you catch a baby falling off a cliff? With a pitchfork.
How do you unload a truck full of babies? With a pitchfork.
What's worse than 10 babies in 1 bin? 1 baby in 10 bins.
What's yellow and can't swim? A bulldozer.
How do you drown a blonde? Put a mirror at the bottom of her
swimming pool.
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
The lipstick (and before you get angry at me - I have nothing
against lawyers, and I am related to quite a number of them -
just thought I'd mention these jokes because they're funny).
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of sh*t?
The bucket.
If you're reading this and you have a good joke that maybe I
should put up here, email it to me at lauie13@hotmail.com.
