One good thing...

...is that Chanel survived Australian Idol! But I have stopped exercising and studying and have been stuffing my face. I'd like to blame the conference, but I can only blame myself. I have been hitting a wall of reluctance lately and there's nothing I can pin it to other than bad habit. I come up with all these little reasons not to do stuff, most of them are work related but the truth is I wouldn't be doing them even if I wasn't working. I just have to break that wall and the only way to do it is to break it every single time I need to do something. You can't just break it once and expect it to be gone. You have to break it and break it and break it until it becomes second nature. Ask me how I know how. Stopping smoking was one of the hardest things I ever did, because you dont just stop smoking. You stop having a cigarette. And then you stop having another cigarette. And then you stop having a cigarette to deal with not having a cigarette. For a 25 pack a day smoker that means crashing through that wall at least 25 times a day. And it doesn't get easier for a while. I think after I hit 3 months (which is a dangerous point) is when it started to ease off. And here I am needing to do it again. Only this time I have to start doing things. And start them again. And its so easy to give up and when I do I'm unhappy. But breaking down walls every day is tiring and so demoralising when they keep getting back up.

I'll get there. I always do. I'd like to say its magic, and that I'm just naturally like this and all the things I do are just because. But its just dogged persistence. Its starting, giving up, and starting again. There's a blind idiocy about it, like running into a brick wall over and over and over. Sometimes you just have to be machine about things because thinking about them is only gonna jam up the works.