My Mum.

Mum came over tonight to work on her quilt, I didn't get to work on mine because I spent most of the time helping her. When she got frustrated and needed to stop I made her take the Myers Briggs test. She deliberated over each answer for a good five minutes and frequently asked me for help - she is the sort of person who will not do anything for herself if she can get someone else to do it (a true leader according to her profile!), but if forced to do it alone she does so beautifully. Anyway she's an ENFJ and I wasn't surprised, she has constantly needed other people in her life. She told me she thought there was something wrong with me when I was a child because I would just sit there for hours entertaining myself by staring at ants. I still stare at ants. I think they're amazing! My family finds my fascination with ants very funny. I think she thought I was backward because I hardly spoke and didn't do much, but from memory I was spending the time wondering about what made the grass stick up and how come it hurt my hands to climb the lemon tree (it seemed so big!) but not my feet. In fact I spent most of my childhood wondering about things.

At any rate, work ate it today, workmate threw me another 2309473829 reasons not to do things. It's like all he can see is obstacles to what he needs to do, rather than just plugging ahead anyway and asking for help when he got stuck. Maybe he was stuck in his own head I dont know, but you can't know the whole process when you're doing it for the first time, you just have to see if you can work your way around a problem! There's no such thing as optimal conditions. Anyway we ended up having this big meeting about it to define processes and ace dev manager (best description I can muster), talked to my manager about it, hence the meeting. But it all seemed so unnecessary for something that wasn't that difficult! All that happened was that we decided it needed to be done earlier, so he still doesn't know how to do it, so he will still be reluctant to try. It's made me feel a bit messed up, I was beginning to really take to my immediate manager but he seemed so stressed today that I felt like this big stupid burden and that he thought I sucked for causing trouble. I wish I could just do the whole lot myself and ease the strain on everyone, but I suppose this is part of working a team.

The fucked part was, after the meeting, lazyboy went up to fuckfacepentecostalistwannabenerdboy and said 'you should have been in that meeting too' and then said 'I'll talk to you about it all later' which was totally fucked but he must have felt a bit crap for being so, well, crap. Still why you'd want to align yourself with that loser is beyond me. Okay sure, dev manager said I should try to see the good in everyone, and generally I can but not this guy. This guy is a walking testament to cowardice. Sure, he could be good, he certainly has all his faculties but he is just defaulting back to all these things he thinks he should be doing (getting a marriage, mortgage, wearing a suit) without any sort of introspection, and no idea of how he is feeling. And he chooses this. He chooses not to know and told me that 'anyone can get into uni' and that he considered himself a loser when he was on youth allowance and studying at uni. I ripped into him about 50,000 kids not getting a place last year but he said nothing. He's one of those medium sized poppies who is validated by 'having a job'. So all I see is a shell of person, lost in all these structures of tradition and the real person just a seed of what they could be.

I can see the good in everyone at work except him. All I can see in him is resentment and fear and white hot passive aggressive anger. As dev manager said, he is very mechanical and at first I thought this was just in the way he operates at work but it is how he lives. He is going through all the motions and has no identity. I think that's what scares me the most about him is that he simply has no identity. He agrees with whoever the person speaking the loudest is saying, and if he has an opinion it is usually a negative and judgemental one. I've never heard him be positive once.

Okay we know I get obsessive about people I dislike. I have to dissect and dissect their psyche until for my own twisted satisfaction.

Fuck its 10.30. I'll try and be more entertaining tomorrow. My triceps are FUCKED.