No two people are not on fire.

Today was highly uneventful, I'm going to keep my eye out for other jobs because my current one makes me want to stab myself repeatedly in the knee. Seriously, the people are fine, the tasks are fine but today I updated the website and edited the survey which would be fine if the subject matter of interesting but they're NOT, they're Auspost subject matter which is about as interesting as a paper bag.
I probably wont find one until I'm a year in but that works better for me anyway.

Blah blah did more maths tonight, got stuck on proportionality and now my head feels like a knot. Their system of explanation for that one was messy so I'll show big bro tomorrow tonight and be all omgwtfbbq?! I can plug the numbers in and make them come out okay but I dont really understand what it is I'm doing. Au naturelement it involves fractions so thats why my head is contorting itself into knots. Sad really.

Today I took one of those dodgy online IQ tests. I took a similar one last year and got a perfectly normal IQ score of 110. Today, after spending the weekend doing maths, the questions made some kind of crazy sense and I got 124. At this rate I will be an unmeasurable genius in a couple of months. Or those online tests are bullshit. Or all IQ tests are. Still, I do like the concept of something that measures what you can do, rather than what you can potentially do. I say this because in high school I was always satisfied with a report card that said I had a lot of 'potential' (but didn't use it). So I guess if you learn the maths and get a higher score, you're technically smarter than you were a week ago because now you can do more. But I think it's dangerous that these tests imply that number is your set intelligence level and you can't do anything to change it.
I know for a fact that I am much smarter now than I was when I was 15. This defies the trend of getting dumber as you get older but I have peaked late. Or am peaking late. Or will peak late.

Who knows? But fuck if *I* the former remedial maths student can learn the things I previously couldn't, then I suspect things are not at all what they seem. All those labels placed on us in high school on what we were and weren't 'good' at, whether we were told we were dumb at this, smart at that, fat, ugly, stupid, whatever are all bullshit. Slowly slowly I'm breaking through that ceiling of all those things that kept me down, kept me boxed up and labelled and finally I'm becoming a blank slate. A blank slate that has no measure of aptitude for 'maths' and 'science' and 'english', instead I am something that can only be measured on action and persistence. I think we should all measure ourself by our actions because potential and intent is meaningless. If you're not happy with your actions or lack thereof, it is only by action that you can change things. And dont even talk to me about motivation. That is one thing I have discovered appears only after action. It's always a drag to start something but motivation always appears after you take that initial first and ugly step that you can't be bothered and resent taking.

Nothing is by magic. Aptitude, ability, intelligence and motivation are measures of dedication and persistence and none of these things appear without action.

It has taken me 25 years to learn this and finally - finally! Things are getting clearer.