On the mend.

The problem with being on the mend is that you first have to admit to yourself how shit you truly feel. Not how shit you think you are, but how you feel. The former is symptomatic. So yes, I feel pretty shit. I took the first job that became available because I was so scared I wouldn't get one and because my family was telling me I should 'have a job'. It doesn't matter which job, as long as you have one. This appears to be a strange form of character validation in this country, you can be a complete arsehole but you are acceptable so long as you 'have a job'. People who do not have jobs in this mindset, cannot possibly understand the 'hardships' of those who do. Like they have to get up early. And pay for the life they choose to have. (I hope you are all seeing my sarcasm).

And I thought okay, I've copped enough from all sides about not having a job, I'll go and get one. Everyone was so pleased, fortunately I didn't get any 'welcome to the real world' remarks (because that probably would have made me quit my job on the spot), and for a little while there I was okay.
But now I am not okay. I am not okay with spending 80% of my time fitting myself into a mold, communicating with people on their level about stuff I dont care about. I have a mediocre job and it makes me feel like a mediocre person. When I get to work, I think, 'this isn't so bad', and when I get home at night I want to break things. No it's not so bad. It's not so good either. It is a testament to ordinary. All the girls there have weight fixations and are mostly skinny. They say things to me like 'don't worry, you're fine just the way you are' and in the same breath continue talking about their new det and exercise regime. There's no sincerity in those statements either. And I've been sliding down into worse and worse self worth since I got there. Sure I have a newfound confidence. But it's a confidence that comes from anger and not suffering idiots. My body image is now so distorted I can't look in the mirror. I suppose I could not let them get to me, but I am one of those people who are deeply affected by their environment. I dont know how not to be like that. And today serp pointed out to me that I've been hating on myself for a few months now.
And I do hate myself. I hate myself for settling and I really really hate myself for listening to people. Up until this point I have assumed that people have more knowledge and life experience than me so that I should take their sage advice. HAH. No more. No more 'real world' and no more 'having any job'. My biggest problem is that I have sat back and listened to everyone and become lazy.

It all started with the suit. My Mum and my sister convinced me that it was rather childish and spoiled of me to want an expensive wool suit. Anything nice that I want is met with "oh you shouldn't buy that, its too expensive and you don't really need it", and then I see them go and spend hundreds of dollars on stuff they don't necessarily need. Whether or not they think I'm worth it is irrelevant. The point is I believed them. I have let my self worth be at the mercy of everyone else for too long. I'm tired of being told I'm too fat, too thin, in the right job, in the wrong job, in nice clothes, in bad clothes, I should tone up, I should do this and that. I'm 25. I can manage myself now. My opinion has the highest worth for me, not the least. I do not need permission or validation or encouragement from anyone to do what I need to do. And if I get things wrong in the face of counterargument so what? At least I learned for myself.

Here are some steps I will take.

1. Not listen to anyone. I'm my own worst critic, so I may as well be my best too.

2. Throw out all my clothes. This is important. They are cheap and shit impulse buys that I have bought to make myself feel better, or because I've been told I dont need good ones. I am worth whatever I say I'm worth.

3. Stop talking and start listening. This will be hard given that everyone at work expects me to crap on and on about stuff and when I dont ask me whats wrong. Nothing is wrong you fuckers except that I am now sick of you. Also the amount I talk is a measure of my self absorption. And my self absorption is a measure of how depressed I am. Which means I am really depressed and I dont fucking want to be.

4. I am not allowed to buy anything cheap until I have gone through a phase of being expensive. I dont want to do that my whole life but I want to get used to feeling like I have some worth, and the quickest and easiest way to that (until I cane the GAMSAT) is to buy expensive crap I dont need.

5. Start looking for another job. This place is seriously destroying my soul.

6. Restart studying. I was talking to serps Dad last night who was very quiet on the subject of what I want to do - he seemed a little sad actually because I really dont know what I am getting myself into and he does. But he also understands that nothing will stop me. I asked him his reason for going and redoing matric to get into medicine and he said 'satisfaction'. My reason is exactly the same. There is no one better word as to why I want to do this and now when people ask me why I will say that. But he also said something that struck me deeply and has revived my flagging spirit. I was rabbitting on about how I would try at the GAMSAT the first time round but would probably have to sit twice etc etc and he said "I am Yoda. You know why?" and I said "because you know so much more about this shit than I do?" and he said "No. Because Yoda said 'Do not try. Do.'"

So there you have it. On the mend. And feeling mightily shit with no good reason other than I have let myself be ground down by my environment and people around me (no one who reads this, dont worry). And there is nothing wrong with me. I'm actually pretty good but my biggest pitfall is that I actually believe what people tell me. I was beginning to think that conservative corporate life of wage slavery and mortgages was all there is and that I would have to fit all my corners into that bland grey box but I dont.
It is however, up to me to get out of there and keep going even though it is sucking all my energy dry.