My second day back at work and already I didn't get out of there until 6.30pm. Okay it was an emergency and one I was happy to help out with, but is there ever going to be any time when I can expect some kind of routine? Last night was great, I cooked, made lunch, studied, and today I planned to go to the gym and study but I feel completely messed up. I will still study but it is quite disrupting. I really would quit and go on the dole if I lived at home just so I could immerse myself in all this science. Hard too, to use my right brain all day at work and then switch over to left hehe! Or the other way round, you know what I mean.

I'm really discovering how I use food as a crutch though, all I could think about on my way home was, I feel disrupted, I deserve a burger/pizza/etc as a reward. But really it's not a reward. Self sabotage really is a knee jerk reaction to a disruptive situation, almost as a way of getting back at it - but it doesn't. Bad situations often generate bad decisions, compounding the situation and making me feel worse. But it almost feels like, 'fuck you world, I'm gonna eat a pizza' but really, you're not fucking the world, you're fucking yourself.

So I came home and had my fish, veges, and diet jelly for dinner (I have go to find some more carb free foods :P) and I'll study the very small amount of organic chem my mind can manage because something is better than nothing and 60% consistency is better than 100% once a year.