Today today hmmm, spent most of it in a bad mood, my sister is angry with me because she's not going to get into the course she wants because they told her she has to do the maths prerequisite. This is my fault because I told her a year ago it was a prerequisite (Monash didn't though) and emailed the guy for her (in my own name) to prove it. According to her, if I hadn't of asked, they wouldn't have noticed and she would have got in. Whatever, I'm tired of hurting over my family (and I always hear about this stuff secondhand which hurts more because you get added and unecessary commentary). Hearing it firsthand would mean they would see me say 'bullshit' - must be the Miller non confrontational genes (I'm bad too), although I did sms expressing civil disagreement. It is so much easier for me to just avoid my family all together but when I do see them I'm happy and I dont need any significant other with me there for protection or whatever the reason is. I harbour no jealousy toward my siblings or of my parents treatment of them - there are so many different ways you can see the situation in terms of fair and unfair, and who got what and who didn't but I dont look at it like that. The way I see it, we all suffered together, in different ways.

I am not a jealous person. I never really have been and am genuinely happy when people I care about do well. To be accused of sabotage, secondhand goes to my core because I know its not me. To be bailed up at Christmas and given shit for things I had no control over with Dad, secondhand, still hurts like a knife a year later. And I love my whole family like crazy and will defend them to my last breath and yet I want to stay away because I'm tired of being hurt secondhand, for things that are out of my hands. I'm tired of all the shit that sits on the periphery and simply is not who we are.

I'm just waiting for Lily to pull me aside now and tell me that Raph hates me because I ate his chocolate when I was 3 or something! (I made that up ;)

Anyway, that aside, I cheered myself up buying a Loreak Mendian top today, I've wanted to buy something from there forever, they're a northern spanish brand whose only Australian shop is QV and the quality is ace. I'm not a label slut but I appreciate well made, non-generic and nonconformist clothes (which are quite hard to find), plus there's a whole ethos behind it so my rather specific retail criteria are filled for once (I rarely buy clothes for this reason, I seriously cannot pay $200 for cotton/lycra). Yay retail therapy, I can't remember the last time I bought myself something nice like this and can't stop wearing it. It really does make things all the more special! (I'm not a saint, you should see what I spend, and the length I go to for good, fresh food - everyone has their vice!)

I also re-read last nights chapter on cycloalkanes and alkenes because I was afraid it hadn't stuck but it has so thats good - but I just wish I could see a video or have something physical that showed me how this shit works. It explains orbital hybridisation with nice pictures but some kind of viewable rotation would make it easier for me, being the off the scale visual person that I am. Anyway Raph came round tonight too and I bitched at him for a good hour, he was quite bemused but I felt much better afterward.

Also I registered for the GAMSAT today, must remember to get a passport photo done tomorrow. I'll do the prep course too but I honestly can't see myself doing that well - the last two months of work before Christmas had me working 10 and 12 hour days and I was so unbelievably depressed that the study just didn't happen. I'm a bit sad about that, I honestly thought I would start work and slowly figure out what I wanted to do over a year, not have it happen in a blinding realisation 3 months in! But thats what happened when I finally decided to do multimedia (a decision I dont regret, I just didn't expect to find the industry so unchallenging) so I know I'm on the right track. I had become so demoralised that by the time Christmas came that I convinced myself I didn't really want to do it and could just work up the corporate ladder and earn more money and that would be okay. After three days rest I realised how empty that life would be, and when the tsunami happened, my immediate reaction was to want to get on a plane and go over there and start helping. If I'd had the money at the time I would have too. I am always happiest when working out a way to help someone. So like I predicted earlier in the year, my own fear did get in the way (doesn't it always?) of action but I'm through it and I will give this exam my best the first time round, and if necessary the second.

It's funny too, people talk about 'your best' like its a finite thing. But my best with 6 months of patchy study is far different to my best with a years worth of good study and a good understanding of the process.

Never ever forget that doing 'your best' can always be improved after you've done it the first time around.