I'm listening to Pink Floyds Dark Side of the Moon album. I haven't listened to it since I did the standard stoned teenager thing and listened to it over and over with m deadshit loser ex and his friends. I listened to them speak shit about life and the universe that made no sense (even then) and found this album kind of boring because of the context they put it in.
Right now I'm finding it really comforting. It has nothing to do with drugs now and I wonder if it ever did? I dont know, I wasn't alive then. All I know is, at this point in my life it's a lovely album. You really do project yourself onto what you listen to. At this point in my life, I'm happy. There are minor annoyances but for the first time I know what I want. Everything I have is my own and instead of being killed off like everyone said it would, my idealism and wonder at everything grows daily. I really did believe it was gone forever after Dad died. I truly believed there was no point, that life was a cruel exercise in random. I still believe that nothing happens once I die. But I know now that's not the point. There are moments, tiny little teardrop shaped moments where for a second, all that sadness and cynicism is lost. It's in that moment where you look at the one you love and your breath is taken away, when you look across mountains and for a moment all that stuff suddenly doesn't matter. You don't deny yourself of it because it only lasts a second.

But if you let go, truly let go of it all, those moments will come more frequently - if you let them. The Buddhists have a word for it, I can't remember it, but it basically means being in the moment. You can't grab onto it and try to make it stay, and the more you do the unhappier you become. But if you accept the existence of this moments, and really know that they will appear your whole life, then everything suddenly becomes a lot clearer. I thought things were heartbreakingly clear in the two years after he died. I felt imbued with this cruel knowledge no one else had and I resented having it. Except that it wasn't knowledge at all. It was a traumatic experience that greatly shaped the way I looked at things - but it wasn't reality either. With every year I feel that the more I let go of all the things that dictate to me, the truth is slowly revealed. Buddhism hasn't influenced me, I came to these realisations before reading about them and it makes me think that maybe those guys are the only ones who are onto it. And when I read about the MRIs taken of experienced Buddhist monks I believed it even more. Their brainwave output(compared to novice monks) was dramatically different. The study was done to prove neuroplasticity, that is, the brains ability to develop after it had supposedly stopped growing. It was a great contributor to that theory.

Here is my point. No matter what happens in your life, never stop searching for your answers. It doesn't matter if you never find the answer to everything, it doesn't matter if the universe is a cruel and random place or if there is a benevolent master looking out for us all. Look between the extremes for answers to the questions you have. You'll learn so much and develop so much better than if you close off your mind and your heart and think you know everything, and that everything is shit.