You'll need: Rope, a Mirror, a piece of pipe, a gun (or replica gun), and a life sized wax dummy that looks exactly like you (a life sized latex dummy will also work)
So, you've found yourself in jail, and you don't fancy waiting 10 years for your freedom? Well, you're in luck. This How To guide will show you how to break free of the chains of opression (not literally. See next months How To, How To: Break Free of the Chains of Oppression). This How To will assume that you are really really strong, and that you can throw you voice convincingly. If you're not really really strong you should probably work out a lot. Don't think that the all that exercise isn't worth the effort. Those muscles will get you a ton of attention when you take your shirt off at the beach.
Let's get on with it then, shall we? Firstly, hide your life sized wax dummy, who we'll call Fred, in your bed in your cell. Wait until lights out, and then call out for a guard. Your aim is to get him to come into your cell. A tried and tested ruse is to tell the guard that your cellmate is "really sick". Statistics have shown that in 96% percent of recorded cases the guard will come into the cell and bend over the person in the bed. You should then take your piece of pipe and hit the guard over the head with it. Remove the guard's uniform and tie him up und stick him in the bed. Remove your clothes and put them on Fred the dummy. Put on the guard's uniform.
Artist's impression of you using Fred to escape (smaller than actual size)
Tie Fred's legs to yours with some of the rope, and then put his arm around your neck. If the guard has a gun put it in Fred's free hand. If not, use a replica gun which you prepared earlier. Position Fred's gun hand so that it is pointing at your head and then exit the cell, walking in a fashion so that it appears that Fred has taken you hostage. Proceed to the exit of the jail. This should be indicated by signs with the word EXIT on them. If you come across any guards, throw your voice and make Fred give some demands. If you are confident of your ventriloquism skills you might try using a different accent for Fred. A Scottish accent is a good choice. It can sound agressive, and it can bewilder the guards as they try to figure out what Fred is saying. If your ventriloquism skills are poor, you should not attempt to use a different accent or funny voice. This may draw unnecessary attention (even more attention than a man with a gun holding a person hostage).
During your confrontation with the guards you should make increasingly ludicrous demands. eventually they will tackle Fred to the ground. During the struggle you should untie your legs from Fred's and run away to the front door and escape. You should avoid getting shot during the struggle. Your chances of a successful escape are somewhat diminished if you are dead. Unless you are a zombie (for further information on how to become a zombie refer to How To: Become a Zombie). Once you are out of the prison, you should refrain from going back in to gloat to the guards about your daring escape. This can often lead to reincarceration.
So there you are. If all went well you should now be on the outside. Congratulations.
Back to Andrew Mastalerz: A paragon of excellence