Anglican Church of the Holy Cross Melville

Funerals

Reaching out into the community with Christ.

" Pray in the Spirit at all times in every prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert and always persevere in supplication for all the saints. " Ephesians 6:18

Grief and loss is a part of the cost of living and loving, indeed of simply being alive and giving of ourselves to others. It has been said that only the unloving and the unloved escape from the pain of grief. The opposite side of this is that the more deeply we love the more severe also can be the pain of loss. It is helpful to know a little of the process of healing which we go through. This will reassure us that the intense grief which we feel is natural and not a sign that we are falling apart or going mad. Of course much of what is said is helpful not only for those suffering bereavement but any kind of loss. This may include divorce or estrangement from those we love.

What is Grief?

Some aspects of life which are affected by grief

1. Our relationships with other people
We are all affected when somebody else suffers, a grieving person affects those around and some people feel embarrassed. To reduce the discomfort other people may avoid us or try to reduce contact as much as possible. This is sometimes done for sincere and kind motives even if it is very unhelpful. Folk may cross the road when they see somebody coming who has been through bereavement so that they do not have to talk about it. When they do meet, the subjects spoken of may include anything but the bereavement, because they think that you would not want to mention it and it would cause upset! Some people speak of feeling a sense of isolation and loneliness. Grief overshadows all normal relationships as we adjust to the change in condition, being a single parent, widow(er), (divorced). To a certain extent we become different people.

2. Our bodies
Our bodies react to bereavement in many ways. Headaches, stomach pains, arthritis, or many other complaints can suddenly become apparent and make us feel as though we are falling apart. Some people speak of intense tiredness and exhaustion. All of our reserves of energy can be used up simply in order to cope. This is a natural reaction to loss. The body passes through a crucial stage in the first 6-9 months and some folk can die of a broken heart if they 'bottle up' their feelings and are unable to express and come to terms with their grief openly. It is important to look after ourselves, to eat and sleep properly. There is nothing wrong with spoiling ourselves a little either.

3. Our feelings and state of mind
There are emotional stages through which most people pass. These stages are not neat and tidy and one may feel several of them going on at once. We are all different people and so we all have unique feelings. It is possible to swing from one stage to another, or indeed hardly experience one stage at all. This does not mean that the grief of one person is deeper than another, simply that we have different ways of experiencing and coping with loss. We will now look at what these stages are.

Stages of Grief

It is worth understanding the stages of grief. This should not mean that we treat grief lightly as if it were just a phase that somebody was going through. Progress is not automatic and somebody may still be grieving deeply after 20 years if they have not been helped through the process of bereavement. One never 'recovers' from bereavement, and yet there should come a time when we able to live with our loss.

Stage 1 Denial and shock
The bereaved person is in a state of shock and unable to accept what has happened, everything seems so unreal. This is a necessary defence mechanism. Bereaved people often refer to somebody who has died in the present tense as though they are still alive. A common remark may be; 'It's not really sunk in. I can't believe it. I keep thinking that he is going to walk in the door as usual. Maybe after the funeral it will seem as though it has really happened'. We may feel tightness in the throat or emptiness in the stomach. There may be tiredness or inability to breathe. When we are with people in this stage of grief there is no need to say something clever, it is enough simply to be there. The bereaved person may simply want to talk about the one who has died, to reminisce. They need to know that it is alright to be upset and express their grief. Some other faiths and culture are much better at this than 'Christian England'. One day reality hits home and, despite the pain which it brings, this is progress.

Stage 2 Anger
The question which may overshadow everything is 'Why me'? Many expressions come out such as, "It makes you wonder sometimes, she was so young and never did anybody any harm. Then you see all those rapists and murderers and nothing happens to them. I can never believe in God when he lets that sort of thing happen.". There may be anger at God for having allowed this to happen. There may be anger at the doctors or the hospital, indeed anybody who can act as a scapegoat. This is natural outrage, there is no need for anybody to try to make excuses or give rational explanations or theological argument. Neither is there any reason for those who are upset to feel guilty about their anger! This is a natural part of the grief process. All that is required is assurance and the understanding that grief brings a genuine burden which can be very painful. It may be that the person we are most angry with is ourselves as we think of things in the past, missed opportunities or things we wished had never happened.

Stage 3 Bargaining
- Sometimes people will try to look for a way out of the situation. 'I cried all last night and prayed that God would take me too' There can be a movement between fantasy and guilt, 'I think that he may come back'. Some people are sure that they have seen their loved one on a bus or in a crowd, even that they have seen a ghost. Others never touch a room or refuse to throw anything out, in the hope that somehow they may be able to preserve things the way that they once were.

Stage 4 Depression
There can be a deep sense of regret over lost opportunities in life, or there could also be a sense of guilt, 'perhaps if we had tried a different doctor' Guilt in its many different varieties is a normal part of grief and it can cause depression. It may be that it makes us feel that we do not want to go on. It is important to realize that this is something we all feel and sometimes for a considerable length of time. It is important to find people to talk to, grief needs an outlet and we must be able to cry and express our emotion. Of course we also need to be reminded that we can talk to God.

Stage 5 Acceptance / learning to live again
The time comes when we are able to 'let go' of our loved one, leave them in peace and to experience new life again. It is the time when memories can be treasured without a terrible sense of pain. Of course this may be a long time away. Learning to live again means adjusting to being a different person in one sense. Losing somebody is like having a part of oneself cut off. It takes time to reaffirm life and invest in new relationships and responsibilities. It is like learning to live all over again. We are all different and can experience different things at different times. Nevertheless one thing that the bereaved nearly always have in common is that it takes time to recover. We need to be able to give time to express ourselves and understand a little of how we feel as this will help us not to get stuck in the bereavement journey. If you have felt the pain of bereavement then eventually you may be able to help somebody who is going through the same pain. Often what we need most is simply somebody to listen and love.

Ten Commandments

Do's... and Don'ts...

Don't - be rushed into decisions like moving house while you are still grieving
Don't - listen to people who expect you to bounce back only months after the funeral, it takes years to go through bereavement. Take your time
Don't - hide your feelings and feel afraid to talk about your grief
Don't - neglect yourself in any way. Visit the doctor if you feel unwell
Don't - take drugs, alcohol or smoke to excess
Do - take care of yourself - eat properly and rest, arrange a holiday
Do - see friends and get out and begin to enjoy things perhaps come to church!
Do - talk about the person who has died
Do - call the minister who conducted the funeral if you would like to talk
Do - make a will - 7 out of 10 people don't, and the possessions of these people who die intestate may not be distributed as their owner wished

Helpful Information

Bereavement Care
A Friend's Place, a National Center for Childhood Grief
British Medical Journal
SANDS Australia Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Support
SAVE Provides education and information about suicide

Some prayers and readings that you might find helpful.

Funeral day
Lord Jesus Christ, I come to you at the beginning of this day, in all my loneliness and uncertainty I come.
I thank you for all those who will be sharing the day with me, for the minister, relatives and friends, and all those who have been so helpful.
Help me not to worry about the arrangements which have been made, about the visitors who will be coming, about my fear of emotion, about the service, about the weather.
I bring this day to you, help me in my weakness to prove your strength.

Daily prayer
I lift my heart and mind to you. The living God of never failing love. Give me strength for this day, to weep when I should weep, to accept the comfort that memories bring, to face decisions with courage, to meet people - those love me, those who want to help me, those who want to comfort me but I don't know what to say. Thank you for them all. O God, help me so that having your peace, I may be able to comfort others.

For a loved one
O Lord the giver of all life, I thank you for the love I have known and the joys and sorrows shared.
I accept, Lord, that you have taken the life that you once gave.
Please bring gentle healing to the hurt that comes with parting.
Thank you Lord Jesus, that you care about me.

They shall grow not old as we that are left grow old.
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.
Lawrence Binyon

Death is nothing at all
I have only slipped away into the next room. I am I, and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference in your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed, at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Pray, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of a shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.

It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just round the corner.
All is well.
Henry Scott Holland 1847-1918 Canon of St. Paul's Cathedral.

What is dying?
I am standing on the sea shore. A ship sails to the morning breeze and starts for the ocean. She is an object of beauty and I stand watching her until at last she fades on the horizon, and someone at my side says, 'She is gone' Gone where? Gone from my sight, that is all. She is just as large in the masts, hull and spars as she was when I saw her, and just as able to bear her load of living freight to its destination. The diminished size and total loss of sight is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says, 'she is gone' there are others who are watching her coming, and other voices take up the glad shout, 'there she comes' - that is dying.
Bishop Brent

The Funeral

A funeral marks the close of a human life on earth. It is the opportunity for friends and family to express their grief, to give thanks for the life which has now completed its journey in this world and to commend the person into God's keeping.

As far back into history as we can penetrate, human beings seem to have felt the need for a ceremonial leave-taking of those who have died.

The funeral service of the Anglican Church can be very short and quiet with only a few members of the family present or an occasion of great solemnity with music, hymns and a packed church.

Whether in a parish church or a crematorium chapel, it can be the plain funeral service from the Prayer Book or Common Worship or with the addition of hymns, favourite prayers and readings, an address. It can very appropriately be set into the context of a Communion Service.

Whatever the pattern of service, the words and actions all speak of a loving God and the preciousness to Him of every human being.

Questions of life and death

The funeral service will reflect the personality of the one who has died and the circumstances of their death. Feelings of grief, gratitude, joy and sadness often intermingle.

Sometimes, a sense of tragedy is uppermost, especially when it is a young person who has died. When it is the end of a long and fruitful life, the feelings of thanksgiving can be strongest.

There are times when the death of a faithful Christian seems to be the consummation of all they have lived for and the funeral service is a triumphal departure for their true home. As for Christian in The Pilgrim's Progress, 'all the trumpets sound for them on the other side'.

Funeral services always raise profound questions about the meaning of life and death. Jesus himself believed in a life-giving God: 'the God of the living, not of the dead.' Christians believe that Christ's resurrection is the triumph of good over evil and of life over death and has made eternal life available to us.

All through history, Christian doctrine has wrestled with the mysteries which are known as the Four last things: heaven, hell, death and judgement. We know that everybody will be judged by God and the relationship between God's love and His judgement and mercy is one of the constant themes of Christian writing.

What heaven is like, none of us dare say too precisely but we know that we shall delight in the presence and love of God and of the whole company of heaven. Whatever is wonderful about life here on earth is only a glimpse of the glory of the life that is to come.

Most Christians would describe hell as separation from that love of God. The separation is never what God wants, it is our own responsibility.

What happens after we die remains a mystery. Some Anglicans believe in Christ's continuing power beyond death to cleanse us of our sins and bring us into the closer presence of God. That is why those of the more Catholic tradition pray for those who are dead.

Evangelical Anglicans, who emphasise that eternal life depends on decisions of faith taken in this world, see no justification in the New Testament for such prayers with regard to those who have died, apart from prayers of thanksgiving.

The funeral service

The service begins with the priest or other minister reading aloud such reassuring sentences from the scriptures as: 'I am the resurrection and the life,' saith the Lord; 'he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: and whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die,' and: 'I know that my Redeemer liveth ...'

A psalm - often The Lord is my shepherd - follows and lessons are read telling of God's care and of the hope of eternal life.

At this point, there may be an address or a sermon remembering the life and work of the dead person and the great Christian beliefs about life beyond death. Such words can be a comfort and strength to the mourners but sometimes it is felt that the service and the readings from the Bible convey all that needs to be said.

If the family wish it, the Communion service follows. The prayers recall the promise of the resurrection, entrust the dead person to the love and mercy of God and ask for comfort and strength for those who mourn.

The committal

The committal is a particularly solemn moment of the funeral service. It takes place either at the graveside or, in the case of a cremation, in the crematorium chapel or in church before the hearse leaves for the crematorium.

In the cemetery or churchyard, the family will gather round the open grave into which the coffin is lowered and they will hear the words: 'We therefore commit his (or her) body to the ground; earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust; in the sure and certain hope of the Resurrection to eternal life.' Handfuls of earth are then scattered on the coffin.

In a crematorium, the words of committal may be accompanied by the closing of a curtain to hide the coffin from view or the coffin is moved slowly out of sight.

The committal can be a very emotional moment. Many who are suffering grief find that, even in their sadness, the words of prayer can lift them towards the experience of Christian rejoicing in the knowledge of life beyond death.

The offering of prayer and the trust that the person is in God's safe hands can begin the process of healing the grief of loss.

Arranging a funeral

The person who has died may have left a paragraph in their Will describing the sort of funeral arrangements they hoped for. Naturally, the family will want to keep to such arrangements as far as possible.

Not everyone knows that they have the right to a funeral in their parish church, even if they and the dead person have not been church-goers. Nor do practising Christians always realise that they can have a Communion service as part of the funeral.

Parish clergy regard the taking of funerals as an important part of their work. They give a lot of time to visiting families, comforting those who are facing loss, finding out what service they want to use and helping them to arrange it.

If one of the local clergy is to be asked to take the service, this should be done before any other funeral arrangements are made to make sure one is free and available. If the priest did not know the dead person, then it would help to provide some details, especially if there is to be an address.

The funeral director plays a very important part in all these arrangements and will want to know if the funeral is to be in the parish church or if the vicar is to take the service in the crematorium. Funeral directors know the local clergy, the local cemeteries and the crematoria. As part of a national network of funeral directors, they can, if necessary, give advice on funerals in other parts of the country, as well as on costs and fees.

Burials and cremations

In many country parishes, the churchyard is still open for burials and the parish clergy are able to advise on suitable memorials. In most towns, burials now take place in the local cemetery and the funeral director can advise.

The Anglican Church has nothing against cremation; these days six out of 10 funerals make use of the crematorium. This leaves the question of what is to be done with the ashes. Crematoria have gardens of rest where they can be buried and many churchyards have a special place set aside for burying ashes even when there is no space left for graves.

When this burial takes place, usually a few days after the funeral, a further very brief service can be held if the family wish it and some suitable commemorative mark or record may be made.

After the funeral

People who have lost someone close to them are often so busy with practical details and arrangements between the death and the funeral that they do not experience the full sense of their loss until later.

Grieving is a natural and important part of coming to terms with and healing this loss and it may continue for several months. If the clergy are asked, they will try to help. One often finds it is those who have suffered a close bereavement themselves, clergy or lay people, who can most easily offer comfort and support to those who mourn.

Comfort is also to be found in the promises of Jesus Christ, in the hope of the Resurrection and in the belief that the beloved person is safe in the hands of God.

If you would like to talk things over with our Rector you can send her a message by using this link Revd Debbie May or call the church office on 9330 1550.