Identifying aggression is one thing, eradicating it from your domestic situation is another. This should be the aim for all men. To live in peace we must eliminate all aggression and the most logical place to begin is in the home. The best way to do this is the most natural way.
A natural response is one that is in tune with our human nature in its most pure, unadulterated state. It is the way we behave before we begin to develop neurotic behaviours. It is most simply observed in the behaviour of children.
We have two very basic and natural feelings in our make-up which arouse us to action. These are fear and anger. These are emotions - they move us to act in our own best interests.
Anger moves us to fight whenever we are being treated unjustly. Our muscles tense up and we become like a coiled spring ready to spend all that energy on the battle for our rights. Fear, on the other hand, makes us want to move in the opposite direction. It galvanises our body into moving away from a situation that we perceive to be dangerous. These are our fight and flight mechanisms that warn us that something in our normally peaceful environment is not right. They are urging us to fix the situation so that we can return to peace and contentment.
When someone behaves aggressively toward us we feel fear and we want to move away from them. This is a very basic, natural and instinctive response. For that reason it is also the best response.
Men often do not behave according to their natural instincts because they have been conditioned to ignore them. When someone attacks a man his initial response is to flee but then voices in his head come to the fore and tell him that a 'man' must stand up and fight. He ignores what his body is telling him and does what the 'voices' of socialisation tell him. The irony is he is actually more afraid of the 'voices' than the aggressor who may be standing over him with a baseball bat. The 'voices' are quite often the voices of his father or of other 'educators' in his past. As a boy he realised that if he did not ignore his instincts and remain in the 'fight' he could be under even more danger from his father or educators. If he does not stand and fight he could well be severely beaten by his father for being 'weak' and 'timid'. He knows he has no chance of defending himself because his father is much bigger and stronger than he is. If he tries to defend himself he may also jeopardise his basic needs for food, clothing and shelter which are provided by his father. He has 'conditioned' himself to choose the lesser of two evils so now even as an independent adult he stands and fights the aggressor in front of him because the fear of his father still controls his behaviour.
Men really need to learn to deal with the 'voices' in the same way they should deal with aggression in the present. They can as adults take a stand against the 'voices' which they could not as children. They have to distance themselves from the voices by following their natural instinct to do so. They have to re-assess their relationship with their father and refuse to be bound by the fear of him, which they still carry in their bodies as adults.
When a woman is aggressive towards a man in a domestic situation the man needs to follow his instincts and distance himself from that woman. To stand and fight her and to meet aggression with aggression is never the answer. Whenever there is a danger of being hurt a man needs to distance himself in order to protect himself. Self-protection is our most basic instinct and if we ignore it then we have no one else to blame for our pain but ourselves.
Another reason why men find it difficult to deal with aggression is because they find it difficult to acknowledge their own pain and hurt. Women by the nature of their upbringing are better able to admit to being in pain and having been hurt. This is not how it should be but in general it is how it is.
If a man verbally attacks a woman she is much more likely to acknowledge her pain than would a man. Men are conditioned from an early age never to admit to themselves or to anyone else that they are in pain because it is a sign of weakness. Pain is not a sign of anything. It is just a part of human nature like breathing and eating and growing old. The fact that you experience pain is not a sign that you are weak but that you are human.
When a woman attacks a man verbally and it hurts him he is usually reluctant to admit he has been hurt. It doesn't really matter or not if he admits it to his partner but it does matter that he admits it to himself because he will never learn to deal with it until he admits its existence. You cannot solve a problem until you admit that you have a problem.
Men need to admit to themselves that domestic aggression exists and they need to admit that such attacks can hurt and that they can hurt a great deal. They need to admit that such pain can cause a man to completely fall apart over time.
Men in general are getting better at dealing with their pain. They need encouragement, good education, support and professional help to regain their human natures which have been buried under centuries of exposure to 'macho' stereotypes and personas. When men can admit to the pain inflicted on them by the aggressive attacks in domestic relationships they will be well on their way to finding the natural solutions to dealing with this problem and looking after themselves.
In the area of domestic violence women have come up with several practical solutions to protect themselves from hurt. There are refuges, financial support, counselling, legal aid, childcare and many other networks designed to help a women distance herself from the danger associated with domestic violence. These are practical solutions to a practical problem. The problem of domestic aggression is also a practical one – where do I go to escape the perpetrator of pain.
Men need to find practical solutions to be able to withdraw from someone who is being aggressive toward them. Different forms of aggression require different practical responses. The aim is to retreat to a safe distance where you can make considered decisions about the implications of the aggression for your relationship.
Verbal aggression – Most people at some time in their life have felt the pain of verbal aggression. Your natural movement is away from the person who is trying to hurt you. What usually happens is that you want to at least become silent. The perpetrator will often sense that you are hurt and will want to continue friendly conversation as if nothing had happened between you but that is not what you feel like. 'I am not talking to you' is what we often say at this time. Even that much communication may seem too much and we just want to ignore the person altogether. We are in fact distancing ourselves from this person who has shown their intention to hurt us. They may not have succeeded but their intention is clear and we are not inclined to hang around them until they are successful. Withdrawing of verbal communication is one way of dealing with the immediate attack. It is a form of protection because while we are not verbally communicating with that person there is less chance of us being verbally attacked.
We may, however, be still vulnerable while we are under the same roof or still within earshot. The fact that we have stopped responding to the aggressor’s taunts does not mean that they will stop them especially if they are very determined to hurt us. To further protect ourselves we may need to leave the room or even the house so that we can no longer hear what they are saying. We need to let our bodies be our guide and we need to withdraw to the extent where we feel safe.
We need to have somewhere to go. It is our house just a surely as it is our partner's but sometimes it is more important to protect ourselves than it is to assert our rights to move freely about our home. Having a spare room to retreat to is a real benefit at such times. We may have a 'shed' at the bottom of the garden that becomes a safe haven. We may go down to the pub where it is safe and perhaps more friendly than it is at home. We may go for a long walk and enjoy the friendliness of nature rather than the aggressive atmosphere of our domestic scene. People find ways of protecting themselves - their natural instincts will guide them to find the right place.
Domestic violence - If a woman is being aggressive by using violence then it makes sense for men to adopt the same practical solutions as women do. If they feel the need, men should also be able to seek refuge, financial support or the protection of the law. They have the same right to expect governments to support them in the way those governments support women. Whilst waiting for governments to act with equanimity in this regard they can band together and support each other in practical ways by offering space in their homes or clubs where battered men can find peace. They can also contribute financially to the needs of men who may have had to leave their homes because of a violent partner.
Destruction of property - If your partner is trying to hurt you by destroying your property you have to find a new way to protect your property so that it does not happen again. You might have to put it under lock and key and increase security in the same way you would after a burglary. You might have to establish separate rooms in the house where each of you keep their own things. You will have to set boundaries because it has been proven that your partner uses your possessions to try and cause you pain. This is a withdrawal in itself. You are stepping back from your partner and saying that you no longer want to share trusted space with her. This may be a temporary arrangement until she apologises or it might be permanent if she never apologises. You may not like the idea of having to lock away your things in your own home and see it as a restraint of your freedom. You will have to weigh up whether living like this with your partner is more important to you than your freedom to have your property more readily available. If it is the latter then you will have to establish separate homes.
You have dealt with the issue because you have eliminated as far as possible any future sadness that may occur because of the loss of important possessions. They are as safe as can be under the circumstances. You have also dealt with your anger by re-establishing you right to keep your things safe in your own home. You will no longer feel those rights violated again while you things are under lock and key.
Passive aggression – Dealing with passive aggression involves protecting yourself from the consequences of your partner being unreasonable about their responsibilities. The best way to do this is to reduce those responsibilities to a minimum. If they have shown in the past that they are prepared to try and hurt you by failing to fulfil reasonable expectations and responsibilities then you have to take control of the situation so that it does not happen again. If your partner fails to collect the children after school just so she can disrupt your plans and cause embarrassment to you then it is possible to avoid this situation in the future by never giving her that responsibility again. She will no longer be able to hurt you by this method. This is a withdrawal from her because you are taking back something that you gave when you entrusted this task to her. Children have to be cared for responsibly and this is usually shared between the parents. Each gives the other a responsibility to care for their children. It is a situation of trust. When you take back that trust you are in a sense withdrawing a gift to that person which they have misused.
You will have to judge for yourself whether you want to maintain that entire burden of responsibility for yourself. You may find that your partner sincerely apologises and you can give back that trust or that she does not and you have take complete control of the after school care of your children. You will then have to decide whether the relationship is worth maintaining that burden as your responsibility alone.
Telling lies – If your partner tries to hurt you by telling lies about you then you may have to reassess the type of information you exchange with her. If she has shown that she cannot be trusted to tell the truth then you need to minimise harm to yourself by not telling her things that may be used against you. This is a withdrawal because intimacy and trusted exchange of information is a sign of closeness and desire for relationship. Taking back those things is a way of saying you no longer want to be that close to that person. Your partner may apologise for her lies and you may feel like you can trust her again but she may not and you will have to maintain the withdrawal. You have to then determine for yourself whether you still have the makings of a relationship that warrants living together under the one roof.
Bullying – Bullying is an abuse of power and if your partner tries to hurt you by abusing some power that they have over you then you might need to take away that power where possible. If your partner has financial power over you and uses that power to hurt you then you need to redress the imbalance and make sure you are financially independent. If you are sick and your partner takes advantage of your incapacity to hurt you then you may have to withdraw to a relative's house or a convalescent home until you are well again. If your partner is the only one in the relationship with a driving license and uses this power to inconvenience, manipulate or otherwise hurt you then you should rely on taxis, obtain your own license or call upon friends when you need to go somewhere.
Financial irresponsibility – You may need to withdraw shared financial arrangements if your partner has shown a propensity to hurt you by financial irresponsibility. You could cancel all joint credit cards so that only you can spend your money. You might insist that you partner earns their own income and that all expenses are equally shared. You might hire an accountant to manage your finances and to distribute resources to you partner on your terms.
You are taking back something you gave to your partner in the beginning of the relationship when you trusted them. If they have shown that they are willing to use that trust to hurt you by making you feel sad or angry then you have to withdraw that trust
All of these examples are withdrawals from closeness of relationship. You are taking back something that you entrusted to your partner and telling them that you no longer want to be that close.
Practical self-protection deals with the fear, the anger and the sadness that we feel when someone behaves aggressively towards us. We aim to protect ourselves from further aggression. We withdraw to a safe distance and appease our fear. We rearrange our situation to make sure our rights are protected in the future and our anger subsides. We create barriers and boundaries around the things that are important to us so that we will not lose them and feel sadness. It may be unrealistic to expect never to experience aggression again but at least we have made positive steps towards minimising it in the future.
When we withdraw from someone because of their aggression we need to reassess our relationship with them. We need to decide how far we want to withdraw from that person. Do we just need to make some practical re-adjustments to our domestic situation or do we need to end the relationship completely? Have we made so many practical adjustments that a relationship hardly exists and co-habitation is pointless? Is there any hope that the relationship can return to its previous level of closeness? We need to be very much in tune with our own fear, anger and sadness to answer these questions.
A relationship can return to normal if we receive a genuine unconditional apology but this is not always an easy thing to obtain.
Our partner may think about our withdrawal from them and look inside themselves to see if they have done anything to cause that withdrawal. They may come to the conclusion that it is our problem and that we are just too 'sensitive'. They may, however, allow their conscience to do its work. Every one of us has a conscience and it is nature's way of alerting us to the fact that we have done something to disturb the peace or justice of someone else. Our conscience can become quite de-sensitised and confused as we grow up and take on other people's values and moral codes but in its natural state it is a valuable part of our makeup. It tells us when we have done something wrong.
When we have listened to our conscience and accepted that we have done something wrong the natural tendency is to want to appease the discomfort of our guilt. We could do this by trying to hurt the person even more in the hope that they will disappear for good and not remind us of our guilt or we can do the natural thing and apologise. When we have sincerely apologised then we have done what nature demands of us. Even if the victim of our behaviour refuses to accept our apology we have done all within our power and our conscience should then be clear.
Genuine apologies -
Before a relationship can return to normal a genuine apology needs to be made. This apology may or may not include some recompense or restitution depending on the nature of the aggression or injustice. A genuine apology is one where the person shows by their words and their body language that they have taken full responsibility for their behaviour. We can sense a true apology from a false one. A true apology is often quite difficult to make and is therefore a sign that the aggressor is genuine in their desire to repair the relationship. If someone is genuinely trying to apologise we will sense this difficulty in their voice and body language. Our bodies will know when an apology is genuine and complete and our immediate response will be to welcome that person back to closeness, often by a sign of genuine affection.
Non-genuine apologies –
Not all apologies are genuine acknowledgments of guilt. Some people apologise out of fear. When we withdraw from a partner they may feel fear at being isolated or lonely and they may apologise so that they can recapture the sense of security, which the relationship brings them. This is not the right reason to apologise and we will not be satisfied with this type of apology. Our partner is not acknowledging any wrongdoing or guilt at all. The reason they apologise is to meet their own need for emotional security that they are seeking in the relationship. This is not a good reason for a relationship and it is not a good reason for an apology.
Apologies must also be unconditional. The person apologising should take full responsibility for their behaviour and their aggression. Often they will say - ‘I am sorry if I offended you.’ It is not a question of whether or not they have offended us but of their intention to offend us. It is their behaviour they should be apologising for and not the results of their behaviour. It is irrelevant whether they have been successful in offending us. Often they might say - ‘I didn’t mean to hurt you’. They only say this if it appears that we have been hurt. If that was not their intention then what was? It is usually quite clear by their body language and tone of voice that they were trying to hurt us and that their aggression has been exposed for what it truly is. These types of apologies are conditional. These people are only sorry if they have been successful and not because they were aggressive. Quite often such conditional apologies are also an attempt to shift the blame on to us as if it were our fault that we feel hurt and that a more reasonable or less ‘sensitive’ person would not be hurt. It is not about the outcome – it is the behaviour of the aggressor that needs to be apologised for.
What if no apology is forthcoming? What does this mean for the relationship? Each individual has to assess the situation for themselves and monitor their own body and its movement either toward or away from their partner.
If the aggression has been dealt with by appropriate withdrawal and your peace has been restored then you need to decide whether or not that degree of distance is tolerable. Is there still closeness and intimacy in other areas of the relationship? Does your body still feel comfortable in physical closeness with your partner? Is the relationship still worthwhile? Is it what you expect from a relationship? Could you have a better relationship with someone else? Would you be better off living alone?
Only the individual knows how their own body is reacting and only they can answer these questions for themselves. The natural instincts of our bodies are powerful indicators of what is best for us in our relationships with others.
Aggression and injustice are the things that destroy relationships and we should withdraw from people who indulge in these behaviours. This does not happen often enough though because it is not always easy to withdraw or end a relationship. Some people will tolerate enormous amounts of abuse and injustice before they finally terminate a relationship or stand up for their rights. This is because their fear of loneliness is quite often greater than their fear for their own safety and their desire for their own rights.
Many people form relationships for the wrong reasons and these people are more inclined to ignore the instincts in their own body when they are the victims of aggression. There is really only one good reason to form a domestic relationship with a partner and that is because you have grown to love that person and you want to be as close to them as humanly possible.
Many people form relationships or stay in relationships to satisfy immature needs. Some form relationships for financial security because they are not confident in meeting their own basic needs for food, clothing and shelter. Some form relationships which promise to replicate the parent-child relationship they had when they were young. These people may be trying to continue to feel the safety they felt in that environment or they may be trying to 're-do' a parent-child relationship in the hope of making it better than it was when they were a child. Some form relationships in order to meet the expectations of parents or cultures who see such relationships as the goal of life. Some form relationships with powerful or influential people in the hope of protecting themselves from facing up to the realities of the real world.
People who enter or remain in relationships for the wrong reason are going to find it difficult to withdraw or end a relationship. They ignore all aggressive behaviour and injustice in order to keep the relationship viable. They will tolerate a great deal of aggression, not because they are trying to protect the relationship, but because they are trying to protect their immature need. They will never be able to follow their natural instincts in the face of domestic aggression until they deal with their own immature need and adopt a more adult approach to relationships.
Loneliness in itself is not a hardship for most people but not being able to meet those immature needs is. When their whole body is telling them to retreat from an aggressive person they become torn inside and the tension between their natural needs and their immature needs can create a great deal of stress. The only way to find peace is to resolve this tension by letting go of the immature needs.
© Michael Thompson