There is a popular self help-personal success book whose title has intrigued me, Do What You Love, and the Money will Follow. I think a similar approach could be taken in discussing the role of a priest's wife. An interesting book written about the life of the wife of a priest could be called, Love God and Your Husband, and the Role Will Follow.

In fact, I would go so far as to say that the only 'role' of a priest's wife, is to be a priest's wife. That is, she must concern herself with the very serious and important vocation of marriage and she must be sure that her husband also remembers to do so. After all, they are first of all husband and wife, the Church even requires that the marriage precede ordination. I believe that the quality of the marriage directly affects the ability of the man to be a good priest. That is an awesome thought, but I do not think it is an exaggeration.

Every marriage takes work and nurturing, and a clergy marriage is no exception. In fact, I would even say that a woman who is married to a priest already has in her life an extremely high level of stress by virtue of simply having too much to do. There are the pressures of time, money, a very public life, there can be frequent demands on her.husband's time which come unexpectedly, as emergencies. If you are not careful, you can find that the family's needs and plans always come second to the ever-present demands of the church community. This is not always necessary, there are times when you need to be a family just like any family -- alone, enjoying each other as mother and father, away from the responsibilities of church. Any married couple needs privacy, space to enjoy each other's company, and children need to know that the family and its plans are important enough to their parents not to be cancelled every time they are made.

That attention to the marriage often falls to the wife, especially in the beginning, though it is something which the husband must also become aware and take responsibility for.

In my experience working with other priest's wives, I have also learned that a good way to be able to help your husband do his job as a priest is for you to have a solid spiritual life yourself. This may sound so obvious that it is silly, but it is surprising how many women have told me that they have had trouble finding a way for regular confession and for developing their own prayer life because they are so busy keeping up with all the responsibilities of the church.

There are as many different ways to fill the 'role' of the priest's wife as there are women married to priests. And giving as the reason that "my husband is a priest" for doing something in the church is not a good one. Do anything you like, or that is needed, but don't do it because you are the priest's wife. Years of looking at things that way can create a woman with self-pitying martyr's complex.

I have met women who direct the choir because they are good at it and like to do it. I have met others who did it for a short time, until they could train some one else in the parish to do it, or to share it with them. Some women teach or direct church school, others have never even taught a class. One woman I met observed the large number of elderly people in the parish who were very lonely and shut in. She now visits them regularly and helps them with groceries and doctor's visits. She is very good at this, and loves doing it. Another woman, not wanting to be active in the parish, became involved in the local prison system, visiting one or two prisoners regularly, teaching them to read, and trying to help them maintain contact with their families.

More and more frequently I meet women who are working outside the home so that their husbands will not have to carry the double responsibility of the church and an outside job. They often say that at first it was hard for them not to feel guilty about not being at every service, but in reality, the effectiveness of their husband's ministry depends at least.partly on their working.

Of course, most women whose husbands are priests will spend the early years of marriage, bearing and raising children. This is a demanding full time job, and of vital importance in the life of the parish and the Church at large, We must stress the necessity of bring up our children in secure and Godly families.

I have several friends who met their future husbands while they were both seminary students. They have worked at home when the children were young, continuing to read and study and to write occasional articles. Later, as the children require less time, they are looking for ways to pursue graduate degrees in theology, thus enabling them to develop a profession in an area in which they are keenly interested.

Extremely helpful to me in maintaining a balance in the busy, busy life we lead, has been the development retreats for the wives of Orthodox priests. These are held in several dioceses each year, and the number of women attending is growing. Included are women from all the Orthodox churches, thus creating friendships across jurisdictional lines. The retreats are often held in monasteries, and provide the opportunity for us to spend a day or several days away from our husband and children, being quiet, attending services, receiving spiritual guidance, talking with other women who have similar lives and I am discovering, have many wonderful gifts themselves. They are compassionate and discreet, wise in their understanding of life and its difficulties, but are also filled with a deep joy and peace which is often very healing.