The daughter of a priest was asked in her school in one of the mountain villages about her mother's name, and she naturally answered "Khouriyye". But the wonder of those asking her prompted the daughter to ask her mother about the issue. She was amazed that her mother had a different name which she had never heard, The girl was eight years old. This story makes me wonder, myself being a "Khouriyye" and thus not necessarily completely objective in tackling the matter, about the role of this woman - if any- and how she can realize it in the different aspects of her life.

I will begin by trying to picture the role of the priest himself since she carries his title as, well. The priest is set apart to serve God's word and minister to His people. This means that he has to be Christian in thought and in action, loving Christ first and foremost, so that he can be a shepherd to his flock. From this I believe that the only role of a priest's wife is to be the wife of a priest. Because if she fully realizes her position as a Christian wife in the first place and turns to her husband in full love, seeing in him God's face (image) then she comes to realize her role and optimally fulfill it. In addressing the "khouriyye", Mary Ann De Trana said: "Love God and your husband, and your role will follow". (1)

The Orthodox Tradition does not readily endorse a non-married parish priest.The priest was chosen according to his reputable conduct, as someone who was known to be a good "educator" and family man - who managed his family well. Even in our present days, no non-celibate priest is ordained except after marriage - and in most cases after having brought forth children. From this, the very fact that a parish priest is not an accidental issue but a pivotal point in his parish work because one is somehow a function of the other. The priest's wife should not be someone who happens to be a priest's wife, as her name indicates. In Greek it is "presbytera" or "pappadia" with respect to the title of the priest.. presbyteros" or "pappas": in Russia she is called "the little mother" a "matushka" in relation to the little father the "batushka". It is very indicative and significant to note that this woman alone among all the married females carries her husband's title. This reflects her importance in the collective consciousness of the parish who consider her a mother and the priest a father and leader of their spiritual journey. This is why the priest's wife has to take off from a double consciousness: that she is a priest's wife and that she is convinced of this role.

Mary Ann De Trana believes that the quality of marriage has a direct bearing on the man's ability to be a good priest. For if the family atmosphere is tranquil and comforting, his work in the parish would be more dynamic and visa-versa. How can the priest call for love and unity according to his true vocation, if he does not feel them within his own family? (2)

Every marriage has to be actively worked on to be continuously fruitful and the priest's marriage is no exception. Their situation is their mutual responsibility with what follows relating to the family responsibilities and the rearing of children. But the paradox here is that the priest has so many responsibilities outside his home, which calls for the intervention of the "khouriyye" in harmonizing the demands of both. She should have a high level of virtue to be able to bear the harshness and sometimes ordeals which may arise from the many things she has to attend to.

I mention in this respect the pressures resulting from (the lack of) money, time, and social life. Her husband may be called for an emergency (giving communion to a sick person, baptizing a dying child, etc), in which case the family concerns come in second. This the "Khouriyye" has to accept that the demands of the parish to her husband are as important as the demands of the family and that she alone can realize and properly explain this situation to her children so as to avoid any damaging dualism. There are times when the priest's wife feels that her family should be (treated) like the other families - enjoying their time away from the parish concerns, living and enjoying their private lives with each other and transmitting to their children ( precisely) their concern for family life.

As for money, the attitude is the important factor here. The poverty of the priest's family should not be material as such, what is more important is rising above the issue and not refusing it. This, the priest should infuse into his home. Money is important particularly for this house due to this continuously receiving people and taking care of the needy, and if it is not available then the priest is in semi-poverty. The role of the "khouriyye" here is to do her utmost to be economical in what may not be needed (luxuries); if she has a special talent to undertake a legitimate work position, then she can do it when her children have reached an age when they can partially depend on themselves. The priest's wife is in constant hope that God will look down on His apostles so that, in Him, they do not worry about where the food and clothes will come from. By virtue of her job, the priest no longer has to be burdened with the concerns of provision but devote himself fully to his parish work.

The "khouriyye" also has an obligation towards her children so that their education is a Christian one. This task requires complete devotion in the first years in which, and even after, she has to be fully convinced that she is the focal point who is required to provide an education distinct in its moral, religious and social aspects.

After all this, we move to investigate the role of the wife in supporting the priest in his parish work. We have to first learn that ministry is a talent and an art not given to all, Therefore, if the "khouriyye" is not talented for this kind of work, such as conducting or organizing group sessions, she should not do it. She does not have to play a role in the parish simply because she is the wife of a priest. The underlying danger here is not that she does not do anything but in the fact that she may do it in a "lacking" manner. There are many wives who feel that they have to work in the parish simply because they are "the wife of a priest", and resulting from this negative and often "status orientated" attitude, alienate both priest and parish.

But if the "khouriyye" has the talent, then her work in the parish is vast. She can, for example, take care of religious education, youth groups, women's groups etc. She should, in this respect, have some theological background through personal or formal education. In addition she should not distance herself from social activities, including visiting the sick and elderly and knowing who the needy are in the parish. She should revive in her person, the role of the deacon(ess) of the early church, "for she is a deaconess to her husband ".( 3) To perform these roles, the "khouriyye" must have a character of her own. Her smile, patience and humour are needed in the relationship of the priest to any member of his parish. In addition, her outside appearance is important, neither reflecting an inferiority complex with herself nor using excessive makeup. She should not, on the other hand, fake meekness and humility in order to elevate her status.

But the essential condition for all that has been mentioned is a solid spiritual life, without which the wife of a priest can not in anyway support her husband or undertake everyday chores. Her spiritual life can be nurtured by individual prayer and consulting her spiritual father and her husband on many issues. She should be the prime motivator in the call to prayer life at home. This builds in her many virtues which, in turn reflect the spiritual depth she possesses - the virtues of silence, humility etc. In this way, she can in turn, be a source of council to her husband in ways he may have trouble dealing with on his own. If this takes place, she can make others respect her as a mother who should not boast about what she is but share her husband with Jesus and Mary in their humility and meekness, and be ever ready to proclaim that she is a "handmaid of the Lord".

We have described the "khouriyye" in ways which may annoy many, but we must await what is coming to us and endure it with joy. For as students of theology on the threshold of a new life, the advent of choosing a partner is the first step. To be carefully chosen before it is too late, so that surrender does not become the ultimate solution to a bitter reality which then becomes but a beginning to a harder time to come. I do not say this to elevate priests and downplay women, but the role we have to play requires total devotion and sacrifice which can be asked of those who are not concerned with it.

The truth of the matter is that the "khouriyye" should be a good wife and a giving mother who has to devote enough time and effort to undertake any chore so that rejoicing in the Lord is realized. I stress on the word "rejoicing" in all this because its absence leads to rigidity or falling into the trap of self-pity when facing problems. This "rejoicing" must be the result of spiritual solidarity which no hardship can undermine, and the "khouriyye" in all this should practice a kind of royal priesthood with a common heritage for all. "Her call should be practiced in the highest levels not through things she might say or do but through what she actually is". (4)

References.

I Mary Ann De Trana, 'The Role of an Orthodox Priest's Wife". The Word, March 1991, and MaryMartha, Vol.1, no.1, 1991.
2 as above
3 Nadine Foeux, wife of an Orthodox priest, Al-Nour No 2-Jebruary 1965
4 Bp- Kallistos Ware, in Women and the Priesthood' by Fr Thomas Hopko, p.31