Dear Mooi,
Introduction

A female friend (lets call her "M") mentioned to me once that I seem to know a lot of the female mind. M thinks that I seem to know what to say to a woman in any kind of situation. Now, seem is the operative word.

I don't claim to be absolutely tuned in to the female mind. I am only speaking from experience. My anecdotes below are all from my point of view, targeted at a male audience and are just for laughs. You maybe a guy who desperately need all the help you can get regarding women, and you mistakenly think I'm a godsend (well, hmm, a godsend to women maybe....but I digress). You may be a girl who reads this page and thinks, "Man, this guy has no clue whatsoever."

Or you may be a girl and say, "This guy is so sensitive. Where can I find such a great specimen of a Caring Understanding Nineties Type?" Or you may want to submit your own theories on male/female relationships. Or you may just want to bitch about something. Where can you do all that you ask? Why, right here: mooi@iprimus.com.au

Whatever, all I hope to achieve here is to show you all how silly the game of courtship is sometimes. Laugh with me, why don't ya? :)

Can I look? | Can I look when she is around? | Women's magazines | Signals? What signals?!
7 Ages of Manhood | When Harry Met Sally

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Disclaimer: My opinions are mine. No entity is foolish enough to claim them.

Can I look?

 "She wants to be looked at. Otherwise, why would she wear something like that?" In this age of modern post-feminism, men cannot use that excuse any more. An empowered woman would tell you that a woman wears what she wears for nobody, and especially not for men. She wears it because she wants to wear it. And that's that.

However, both sexes do enjoy attention to some degree. Its flattering and it does the ego good. So the question is: How long can you look at a woman before it becomes annoying and sometimes threatening to her?
"You don't stare at cleavage. Its like the sun. You glance once and you look away!"
-- Jerry Seinfeld
Well, it depends. You give her a fleeting look. And if you want, you are allowed a second fleeting look thats somewhat longer than the first. If she returns your look both times, and she looks interested, then its ok for you to look again and again. The next step is entirely up to you.

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Can I look when she is around?

 No! Things change when you have a significant other. You can now no longer look under any circumstances without incurring her wrath. Remember those fleeting looks? Well, if you are that skilled, you can sneak in a real quick one. No head swerving, no shoulder turning, and definitely no slacked-jaw drooling. And kudos to you if you can sneak a look and still pay attention to what she's saying.

The safest would be to remind yourself to pick out something to compliment her on right after you've just perved at some other woman. No woman ever turns down compliments. Her hair, her dress, that ring or those earrings she has on, her perfume - whatever. You'd make her feel good. And trust me, if she feels good, you will feel good too. :)

One exception is when she asks you for your opinion on another woman. This is a tricky situation. You should never compliment the other woman too much, if at all. Your SO might say, "Do you think she's prettier than me?", or "Is she thinner than me?" The standard answer is, "No, of course not. And anyway, I only think about you all the time." Sweet talk, yeah. Lying? I call it creative packaging of the truth.

"Oh, I don't care if she's prettier or thinner than you." You may think that's a good answer. Think again! She'll come back with a "Oh, so you don't think I'm pretty enough?", "You don't think I'm thin enough?" From which point, the conversation would go like this:
You: No, no, I don't mean that.....
She: Oh? So what do you mean?
You: Um, um...err, I'm with you, aren't I?
She: What kinda answer is that?
You: Erm, it means I'm willing to overlook all those things to be with you.
She: Oh?! You are willing to overlook those things?
You: Erm, ah, no, no, yes, err....ok, ok. You're the best thing that has happen to me, and I'm too stupid to realise it.
She: I don't believe you.
You: You are everything that I want in a woman.
She: Really?
You: Yes, really.
She: Ok, prove it.
You thinking: Oh shit!
Moral of the story: you need good conversational skills when you have a girlfriend.

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Women's magazines

Cosmopolitan, Cleo, Dolly. Great magazines. Don't lie. You have read them. Notice there's always the "10 Ways To" articles. "10 ways to tell if he dislikes you", "10 ways to tell if he's cheating on you", "10 ways to tell if he's in love or in lust with you", "10 ways to break up with him" etc.. And you would always, always, see the word "SEX" emblazoned in bold print right across the front page, usually together with the words "great" or "fabulous". And men have a one-track mind? And do you notice men's magazines do not contain as much advice?
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn."
Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
-- Jerry Seinfeld
Women's magazines make great reading for men. Why? Because women read them that's why. And when women read these magazines, gradually they'd absorb some of the ideas being spewed forth by the writers. Eventually, some of their characteristics and mannerisms will mimic that which is being discussed in the magazines. So what better way to understand women than to read women magazines? And let's not forget, women's magazines have lingerie ads in them.

Of course, there's no guarantee reading women's magazines will significantly help in your relationships with women. The world is never that easy. If those "10 Ways To" articles were all true and foolproof, the magazines would've run out of things to print already. So they keep reinventing those "10 Ways". Changing them, making up new ones. As if women weren't hard enough to understand already. These magazines aren't really helpingto keep the peace between the sexes. There may be a conspiracy behind this.

Meanwhile, they really are great to read.

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Signals? What signals?!

 These days its harder to tell whether a girl likes you or not. I've heard legends of years gone by that when a girl holds your hand, that means she likes you. Of course, they also used to believe you can get pregnant by kissing. Anyways.....

How often have you confessed your feelings for a girl and she seems surprised by it? You say, "Well, you were giving me all these signals." To which she replies, "Signals? What signals?!" At this point, you can scrape up your ego from the floor. Or you can say, "Oh, I was just joking about having a totally unrelenting crush on you." Whichever way you go, it is still very pathetic.

What kinda "signals" are there anyway? Oh you know: the twirling of her hair with her fingers, the friendly pat on your upper arm, and the most elusive one of all (but quite a gratifying one if it happens) - she thinks you're funny. Well, much like Santa, "signals" are a figment of your imagination. Even if they do exist, they don't mean jack. Until she says,"I want you" in your face without laughing, everything else is superfluous. Woo, big word.

Sometimes a girl would touch your forearm. And things would get tricky (they always do with girls). If her hand lingers there and not do anything else, you're definitely in a grey area. However, if she adds a subtle movement, i.e. rubbing, then you can be pretty sure its a greenlight. If you find out later she's just toying with you, forget her. She's ain't worth it.

Then there are times when you are out with friends, and a girl sits next to you. Due to space constraints, people may have to sit closer to each other. So body contact in this situation is meaningless. However, if there aren't any space constraints, things would get interesting. You may find her leaning against you when you are talking to her, or your shoulders are touching when there's no reason for them to. So, do these mean anything? Not really. But it is interesting, isn't it? :)

Of course, there are times when she touches you in a way that will leave no doubt of her intentions. But we aren't talking about that here. We are discussing the times when it's ambiguous, and it usually is.

"Flirting is the act of conjuring up possibilities, without going through with these possibilities."
-- Clive James
In a nutshell, when you perceive signals being given by a girl, she's most likely to be just flirting with you. And by flirting, she doesn't really mean she wants anything more than that.

So, how can you really know if a girl likes you or not? You ask her. And if you get rejected? Ah, you'll live. The world does not revolve around girls, remember that. And afterall, honesty is definitely better than emotional games anytime.

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7 Ages of Manhood

 Wanna know how a man feels about sex and the way he perceives women as he grows older? There are 7 phases or rather "ages" as L.T. Goto puts it.

Where's the article? Right here. Read it now! :)

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When Harry Met Sally

 If you've managed to read all the way down here, or if you just saw the hyperlink and was so interested that you have to click on it, then you are either:
Then without further duration, click here for some of the best lines ever uttered in a movie. Why best? Because they are so true.

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