Have you heard about the keen young genealogist? He spent his weekends tramping through graveyards, and visiting archive offices, and spent his weekdays working in an office building.
One day a new young woman started work in his office, and he was smitten by her. He started talking to her at every available opportunity, and finally convinced her to go a restaurant with him after work. They spent a nice evening eating and drinking, and ended up back at her place.
Well, the next thing you know it's midnight and he jumps out of her bed, saying "My wife will be wondering where I am!" While driving home he's wondering what to do when he gets there. He parks the car in the driveway, gets his dirty boots and clipboard out of the boot, rubs his face in some bushes to scratch it up a bit, then sneaks into the house. His wife is still awake, waiting for him, and says, in a tone to freeze the blood, "Where have YOU been?!"
He sighs - "Well dear, I met this attractive young woman at work, went out to dinner with her, and the next thing you know we're in bed together..."
"Don't you lie to me you @!#$@!#$, you've been to that bloody cemetery
again haven't you?"
Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
A story is told of two German men in the 1870's who sneaked into the cemetery where Johann Sebastian Bach is buried. You must first understand that there is a rumor that Bach was buried with the unfinished scores that he was working on when he died, and these men were eager to see if they could be retrieved for their personal gain.
In the dark of night, they began digging at the gravesite and soon reached the coffin. But, as they cleared away the dirt, they began to see a small amount of light emitting from cracks in the coffin! They continued clearing until they could crack open the lid -- only to find *Bach himself*, by the light of a small candle, carefully erasing the unfinished scores; note by note, line by line!
They just stood there aghast, frozen at the sight of the almost skeleton-like figure. They began to tremble, making their shovels clatter against loose stones among the dirt. Bach slowly turned his head up to the men, raised a finger before his lips and whispered,
A tourist in Vienna was going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he heard some music. No one was around, so he started searching for the source.
He finally located the origin and found it was coming from a grave with a headstone that read:
Then he realized that the music was the Ninth Symphony and it was being played backwards!
Puzzled, he left the graveyard and persuaded a friend to return with him. By the time they arrived back at the grave, the music had changed. This time it was the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it was being played backward.
Curious, the men agreed to consult a music scholar.
When they returned with the expert, the Fifth Symphony was playing, again backwards. The expert noticed that the symphonies were being played in the reverse order to which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word had spread and a throng had gathered around the grave. They all listened to the Second Symphony being played backwards. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambled up to the group and someone in the crowd asked him if he had an explanation for the music.
Don't you get it?" the caretaker said incredulously. "He's decomposing!"
Two men had a dispute over a particular burial plot. Each one claimed the piece of land for himself. The men presented their arguments to the rabbi, and left the final decision up to him.
After a while, the rabbi said to them, "It is a very difficult case. Each one of you has very good arguments. Thus, I decree that whoever dies first will have the right to this burial place".
From then on, they stopped fighting over the plot...
A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written.
When the editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says,
"Well then, let it read 'Fred Brown died' ."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a 7 word minimum for all obituaries. Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says,
"In that case, let it read, 'Fred Brown died: 1983 Pick-up for sale' ."
To my wife... my overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.
To my banker.......my soul, he has the mortgage on it.
To my neighbour......my clown suit. He'll need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past.
To the Grain Assoc.......my grain bin. I was planning to let them take it back next year anyway.
To the farm advisor...50 bushels of corn to see if he can hit the market. I never did.
To the junk man....all my machinery, he's had his eye on it for years.
To my undertaker....a special request. I want six implement and fertilizer dealers for my pallbearers. They are used to carring me.
To the weatherman.....rain, sleet, and snow for my funeral, please. No sense in having good weather now.
To the gravedigger.......don't bother, the hole I'm in now is big enough.
To the monument maker.....set up a jig for the epitaph, "Here lies a farmer who has properly assumed all his obligations."
Signed, Any Farmer
I am writing of my will mineselluf, that dam lawyer was he should have too much money, he asked to many questions about family. First think I want I don't want my brother Oscar have a dam thing what I got. He done me out of forty dollars fourteen years since.
I ain't it that Hilda my sister she gets the north sisties akers of where I am homing now. I bet she don't get that loafer husband of hers to broke twenty akers next plowing time. She can't have it, if she lets Oscar live on it. I want I should have it back if she does. Tell momma that six hundred dollars she has been looking for for twenty years is berried from the back house behing about ten feet down. She better let little Frederick do the digging and count it when he come up.
Paster Lucknitz can have three hundred dollars if he kiss the book he won't preach no more dumsad polotics. He should have a roof put on the meeting house with it and the Elders should the bills look at.
Momma the rest should get but I want it that Adolph should tell her what not she do so no slick Irishers sell her vakum cleaners dy noise like hell and a broom don't cost so much.
I want it that mine brother Adolph should be my executor and I want it that the jedge make Adolph plent bond put up and watch him like hell. Adolph is good business man but only a dumkoph would trust him with a busted pfenning.
I want dam sure that schlemic Oscar don't nothing get. Tell adolph he can
have a hundred dollars if he prove to jedge Oscar don't get nothing. That
dam sure fix Oscar.!!
The deceased's relatives phoned the nearest florist and requested:
"The Ribbon must be extra wide with 'Rest in Peace' on both sides and if there is room, 'We shall meet in Heaven' ".
As the florist was away, his new assistant handled the job and there was a sensation when the flowers turned up at the funeral.
The ribbon was extra wide, and on it was the inscription:
A woman was talking to her friends about her husband who had recently passed away.
When he was on his death bed, he told her that he had three envelopes in his desk drawer and that they would "take care" of all of the arrangements.
When he died shortly thereafter, his wife opened the drawer and found the three envelopes just as he said.
The first envelope said "for the casket" and there was $5,000.00 in the envelope. So she bought him a very nice casket.
The second envelope said "for the expenses" and contained $4,000.00. So she used it to pay all the bills from the funeral.
The third envelope said "for the stone" and had $3,000.00 in it. She then
held out her hand to her friends and said, "Isn't it Beautiful!!!"
It was nice hot summer's day and two men were playing golf on a course that was situated near a main road. As he was just about to tee off on the 10th hole one of the men noticed a hearse driving slowly along the road. He stopped in mid swing and placed his club on the ground, turned around, faced the road and removed his hat in a solemn gesture. The second man turned around to him and said ...
"Come off it, it's only a hearse."
"But you don't understand, its my wife's funeral..."
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing God said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam asked.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit, said God."
"Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?" Adam and Eve asked, jumping up and down excitedly.
"It's over there," said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and he was very angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you do it?" God asked exasperatedly.
"I dunno," Adam answered.
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is a
reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to
give your children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be so hard
on yourself. If God had trouble handling his children, what makes you
think it should be a piece of cake for you?
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women." she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on Earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.
It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," replied Eve.
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No way! They have no clothes and no shelter," the Russian points out, "They have only an apple to eat, and they are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."
What were Adam's first words to Eve?
"You better stand back! I don't know how big this thing gets!"
Henry Ford's parents were born in Ireland and many years ago Henry visited their birthplace in County Cork.
When the locals heard he was in town they were not going to miss a chance like that; so they all converged on the Hotel and the spokesman said:
"Mr Ford we welcome you to the birthplace of your parents here in Cork, you are the World's Greatest inventor, the World's Greatest industrialist and we welcome you to Ireland."
"By the way, we are building a new hospital here and we thought in honour of your parents, you would like to make a donation to the hospital."
Henry Ford said "yes, of course." So he sat down and wrote out a cheque for £5000.
The next day the in the Cork paper the headlines said ...
"Henry Ford donates £50,000 to the new hospital."
Of course the lads converged on him again that night and said ...
"We apologise for the mistake in the paper this morning but tomorrow we'll have it corrected back to the £5000."
Henry Ford said, "Now wait a minute. How much is the hospital costing?" and they said "£50,000."
"Well give me back the cheque."
He took it back and tore it up and wrote one out for the £50,000 saying...
"I'll give you this cheque on one condition; that the inscription over the hospital is the one I have in mind."
They said they didn't care what the inscription was and if you ever go to Cork; you can still see it today and it reads ...
E-mail contributions to Rob Nelson.
Nov 1, 2001