| Finding focus | Understanding motivation | Religion & faith | Sexuality | Families | Front page |
Think about it – What is it that you like?
Lots of hot sex.
The good news is that she does too.
The bad news is that this requires lots of time and effort from you.
There is no simple recipe for this as we are all individuals. Each of us must look at our partner and consider what we can do to achieve the result we desire.
When they are courting, smart men pay close attention to their women, to learn how to inspire and excite them, to teach them new pleasures and to love them profoundly. After a period however the novelty wears off, she becomes somewhat routine and he finds other demands on his attention.
It is important to learn and understand the differences of how men and women act and react – they are very different. These differences often seem quite unimportant early in a relationship but can become very significant later on. It is not something we can avoid – it is simply a fact of life which we must take into account or we will fail.
John Gray's book ‘Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus’ describes some of these differences in a very readable way. ‘Why Men Don't Get Enough Sex and Women Don't Get Enough Love’ by Dr Jonathan Kramer and Diane Dunaway also explores the issue well. They show that men and women have systematically evolved different sorts of characteristics because of the different demands nature places on us.
Men and women have evolved characteristics suited to our traditional roles driven by her function and vulnerability in childbearing and his greater size and physical strength. Thus men tend to be relatively specialised as hunters and fighters – purposeful, with a tight focus of attention, and skilled at hiding his hurts and weaknesses from his enemies. Women on the other hand must manage the concurrent and often conflicting demands of multiple children and domestic responsibilities. Singlemindedness is a handicap here and so she tends to have a ‘multitasking operating system’. Her feelings and sentiments can be less guarded and she will more readily confide with her friends.
Listening is thus much more important than you are likely to feel it should be. Most men find this hard to do well. They want to get directly to the point and fix the problem, but the only problem often is that he does not listen to her. Listening enough takes time – lots of it – and it requires attention to ensure that she is actively encouraged to talk about the things which are most important to her. This will almost certainly not be sex. He will probably find that disappointing, but she must be allowed her own interests, just like he has his.
How much time? How long is a piece of string? Long enough. A relationship may endure many years of insufficient time, but the deficiency accumulates. Many men find that having provided all the material things she wanted for a decade or so she suddenly walks out on him, and he is surprised. In that case it was not enough. For a while it may be little, but in the long run the relationship requires enough or he will find himself getting none.
If the relationship matters to you, you must spend this time. If not, then own up and don't try to deceive her – it will cost you less in the long run. What she wants is to be the focus of your attention. If your business or career is more important to you, don't expect her to feel seduced by that. She might like the money, but if you want her love (and all the hot sex that can come with it) you have to offer something much more valuable – your time.
Postscript 2004:
You may be aware that I have now separated after more than 27 years of marriage, and consider me not qualified to write those paragraphs. I wish to affirm that I still believe them to be true, however sometimes our best intentions are not enough.
What I have suggested is certainly necessary, I don't suggest it will always be sufficient.
Original: December ‘99
Revised: January 2004
This page is part of “Living in the Light”
found at: http://www.tassie.net.au/~phoban/
| Finding focus | Understanding motivation | Religion & faith | Sexuality | Families | Front page |