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There is a great abundance of helpful materials offered by sex therapists and psychologists with wide experience of clients in crisis. The focus of these helping professionals on the pathology of toxic relationships does not address the needs of people who are not in crisis but who struggle to find their way. The reader's identification with dysfunctional clients is sometimes limited, and I feel the issues confronted by non-critical clients are in many cases quite different.
This paper seeks to explore intimacy as a sometimes challenging path to self knowledge and self acceptance. It is written in part because I believe raising the challenge to healthy people is at least as important and I do so for my children. It is also part of my own personal journey and discovery of myself. I hope you find it interesting.
We forgive persons for being who they are. We forgive them for not being totally reliable human beings. Such forgiveness is possible only when we have accepted our own character flaws.
Saying, “I should not be like this,” simply conditions more intolerance in our minds. Instead we might open to our mind's darkest corners, allowing the shadow to come into the light of our attention. Awareness of our states of mind is the light that heals. – Lessons from the Dying by Rodney Smith, ©1998
We start vulnerable: We are born naked, utterly dependent and totally vulnerable, ignored for a while we die.
We end invulnerable: When the time comes, we face death past which we take nothing. Nobody can threaten nor make any material difference to the life experience we have had. We are quite invulnerable.
Life is simply a transition between those two points; from vulnerability to invulnerability. All we ever had was only on loan to us, to be passed on to others.
I have a vivid memory from when one of my daughters was about three years old. I usually bathed the children while Margaret prepared dinner. Bathing involved a fair amount of splash and play but I also attended to washing those places which needed washing. While washing her bottom she began responding to me. She was sexually aroused and loving it. She learned very fast. Eager for more she would push her bottom out and back herself onto my hand with all the blatant desire of a porn star – rampant sexuality quite uninhibited. I was astonished and felt compelled to modify the washing procedures.
That daughter is now an adult and, civilised like the rest of us, she shows none of that behaviour at all – it is entirely repressed. She does not know if I mention her or her sister but I am writing this paper for her. I do so because I wish that she is able to discover who she really is, when all the pretence and illusion are able to be abandoned and allowed to fall away.
Sex, for many species, is not an intimate activity at all. It is the process of undressing – of exposing ourselves – which makes sex intimate for us. Intimacy on the other hand need not involve sex, but it is more complex and interesting when it does. Sex and intimacy go together extremely well; at the same time it is important to appreciate how different they are.
A sexual relationship need not be intimate – a prostitute and her client usually don't even know each other's names and a couple on a one-night stand may share sexual excitement but are not establishing an intimate relationship.
On the other hand we may have a fairly intimate relationship with another person but without sex – we call it ‘platonic’. We may live with that other person, see each other naked and each understand the other very well, we may be very supportive of each other and challenging when this is required, all without sexual engagement.
We may also have very personal but non-sexual relationships with a spiritual mentor or therapist, a doctor, even our accountant, but that is not an intimate relationship: it is a business relationship with intimate content (or at least that is what it should be). The business relationship is not equal – we do not question our therapist as he does us. It is business – we pay him.
In intimate relationships we expose ourselves to each other as equals in order to enjoy benefits which come only from such mutual self-exposure. Understanding the nature and benefits of these exposures enables us to understand intimacy, and to draw from our closest relationships a deeper and more beneficial sexual intimacy and, more importantly, a much better understanding of ourselves.
Many of our responses to each other are ‘instinctive', they are not much thought about. These patterns of behaviour however are mostly learned, we learned them as children and they are written into our brain in places to which we have little or no conscious access – we call this our subconscious.
Our entry into an intimate relationship can give us the means to safely explore some of these subconscious behaviours, and the opportunity to choose whether to simply allow the ‘instinctive’ response or to choose to act differently in these particular circumstances.
Intimacy is about letting our partner see in to what we are, not just what we think they want to see, nor into some stereotype which we have been taught they ought to want; but into us as we actually are, warts and all. To become deeply intimate it is necessary that we discover and accept ourselves – shedding the veil of civilisation, owning our own desires including the dark ones, and accept ourselves for what we are.
The truth is just us, without our fantasies about how things ought to be, and without our unreasonable expectations of our mate or of ourselves. That truth can also set us free.
It is inappropriate to explore in detail what is not intimate – that is not the objective of this paper. Never the less it is clear to me that some potential errors should be identified as such at an early point.
Our ability to be intimate with each other depends on our acceptance of the responsibility we have for ourselves. Only when I accept that I am responsible for my feelings and enjoyment, do I admit the unimportance of the defences I use to protect my vulnerable ego and enable my partner to get close enough to me – to see into me, that is what intimacy (into_me_you_see) is all about. Only when I accept what I am responsible for, am I able to show that to another. While ever I think that my dissatisfaction is somebody else's responsibility (when I blame or accuse them of making me this way) I deny access to this much of myself and I limit intimacy.
Harriet Lerner writes ‘We commonly confuse closeness with sameness and view intimacy as the merging of two separate “I's” into one worldview.’ Two people remain two people, to pretend they do not have different hopes and needs is a gross error. By de-selfing she not only denies her own expression of life, she denies knowledge of her self to him. If he is conscious he will see this de-selfed woman as a phony, a charade, and that he is not being intimate with her but with a pretence which she is holding in front of her. That is not intimacy, that is deceit.
As small children we are simply ourselves, a primitive personality with freely owned feelings desires and weaknesses. Soon enough we learn that at some times we are good, dirty, smart, bad, funny, pretty, and so on. Our parents and others work to socialise us. In Western (mostly ‘Christian’) society we are socialized to be suspicious of some pleasures, and to maintain a tight rein over our feelings. In effect we seek to live above our bodies, commonly deprecating mere sensation in favour of intellect – or so we tell ourselves.
Psychoanalyst Carl Jung observes:
The predominantly rationalistic European finds much that is human alien to him, and he prides himself on this without realising that this rationality is won at the expense of his vitality.
In this process of socialisation we learn to behave in ways that meet our needs, we learn about the world in which we live and our place in it. We call this construct our ‘world view’. In this process the primitive personality becomes hidden – even from ourselves. Learning to recognise and deliberately control some of our subconscious responses requires that these are recognised and that we modify our world view to put them into a more realistic perspective.
It is important to understand our constructed world view for what it is: a construct which we have made for ourselves. It is not the real world, it is merely our view of that, and while this construction may work most of the time, we all struggle with many issues that don't comfortably fit our world view.
If we so choose we may challenge and deconstruct our world view, to rediscover the primitive personality inside us and which is ultimately who we are. We may also discover how unimportant are most of the things we find governing our lives. Returning to our primitive we discover ourselves.
Intimacy is about being changed. Importantly however, it is not that we are changed by somebody else – we are changed by ourselves. It is not about changing our partner, but allowing them to see into us so that we may thus see ourselves and learn to manage ourselves.
Intimacy is not about fixing or being fixed, it is about being understood and thus learning to understand. What we are does not change – what changes is our recognition of ourselves our behaviour and our attitudes. As Alan Cohen aptly observed ‘Changing the world is not about setting it right, but seeing it right’.
Change in ourselves is always painful, but it is only change that gives us control of our lives. Learning what is important to them is a struggle for everyone who attempts it.
No man ever found himself without first feeling he has been a faker all his life. However, he did not then condemn himself, but sought the real beneath the fakery.
Do you know what I like about these teachings? Every time they say that man has fallen into a pit they throw him a rope.
There is a Way Out by Vernon Howard
The process is described as ‘differentiation’ because it is learning how my own thoughts are independent of and different from those of my parents, my lover or whoever else is central in my life. Nancy Friday in My Mother My Self shows how the symbiotic dependence of a daughter and her mother must be displaced by independence as the younger separates in order to discover herself. A failure to differentiate in this way, and accept responsibility for ourselves, is a failure to mature as a person.
In his book ‘Passionate Marriage', David Schnarch explores the importance of differentiation for intimate relationships. He illustrates the difficulties we encounter when we define what is important to us as compliance with what we believe our partner desires; and the destructive nature of ‘other validation’ – where our sense of self worth is dependent on our partner's never-adequate reassurances. In either case our failure to be responsible for ourselves, to address what we hope for and what is important to us, spells trouble for our close relationships.
Intimacy is not about learning to accept the status quo, it is learning what we feel about these things and how important they are to us. In many cases couples exploring intimacy will both reject the status quo – neither considers it acceptable – but until we understand what it is we value about this and what is not important to us we cannot know what to hold to and what to let go.
I do not believe that many are able to make this journey alone. Some are forced to make it by their life circumstances, not of their choosing. A few may make it in solitary contemplation.
We may also make it through profound intimacy. Personally I can think of no nicer way of confronting these issues in myself than jointly in an intimate erotic dance with my lover.
Freedom from fear: We free ourselves from fear when we accept that we are tender and learn to celebrate that. This is not denial of danger but acceptance that danger is unavoidable and that we are fully human only when we are able to receive the danger as a part of life.
The danger may be emotional such as rejection, a physical injury or pain, or possibly our own death, in every case the danger is of an aversive experience – something which we would rather avoid. When we fear it and try to avoid it, the fear controls our behaviour. Recognition of danger is common sense, but fear of danger is ultimately fear of life.
Accepting the danger as a part of the package of life does not mean being foolhardy. We do not become free of fear by denying the danger – that would be putting our heads in the sand and denying life – as silly a response as blind fear.
Stepping out of the way of danger when we can is sensible: we are controlled by our fear when we refuse to venture because danger lurks. We show courage when, seeing the danger, we are not deflected from our purpose. In the words of Mark Twain:
“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear”
Accepting the danger enables us to live with the risks, and to manage our affairs around them. We celebrate our tenderness, our frailty, as the delicate flower that we are. We are not invincible, nor do we live forever. Celebrating life requires us to celebrate the tenderness which being alive involves.
Our desire for intimacy is in part a celebration of our tenderness and frailty. Exposing our tenderness to each other in such a way that the vulnerability is recognised and touched, we touch an essential part of our own humanity.
Our lover both confirms and values our tenderness. It is confirmed by words and actions which emphasise it or focus attention to our exposure. Our tenderness is celebrated as there would be no exposure if it were not so, and it is valued by our lover who enjoys the privileged position that this exposure confirms.
Our lover's celebration and valuing of our exposure confirms our own value as a person. We do not pretend to be something we are not, we offer ourselves in our most limited and powerless condition, and we are loved for that.
We are not loved for what we claim or desire to be, nor for what we are able to do, or how well we are able to please, but for our vulnerability offered – in a sense, for what we are not – there is surely no more secure basis for human love.
This is intimacy.
Exploring intimacy is like peeling an onion. We open ourselves to a lover and we exalt in the sensations that intimacy provides. Sooner or later the extent of that opening becomes very familiar and even commonplace. It is time to open another layer.
Intimacy is about allowing our lover to see us – and allowing us to see ourselves – as we really are. The dictionary definition and common usage of the word intimacy apply to a wide variety of conditions including quite superficial levels of exposure. This paper encourages us to go further.
Because of the nature of the material I use the word ‘you’ to refer to my lover. Whoever reads this, I love you, I am exposing important things about myself and I am being intimate with you – you become my lover. All of this applies equally to both sexes.
It is important to avoid elitism. Exploration of intimacy may involve more revelation of ourselves, and while most of us would agree that more is better that does not make any degree a ‘true’ intimacy. This particular couple is not ‘truly’ intimate, only differently so. Like peeling an onion, there is always another layer. The most recent exposure is the most tender, whatever that involves for me.
Not everybody wants to do it. That's OK, but understand that when we are not intimate we are alone. What we dare not expose to our lover we are denying. Denial is the root of deceit and toxic to love. Some folk are very uncomfortable with themselves and fearful of opening a Pandora's box. Both the danger and the fear are real.
Understanding intimacy involves dealing with issues which we would prefer were not exposed. It involves difficult issues, confronting ourselves and acceptance of things which we have learned to hide from ourselves and others. Our initial reaction to many of these issues is negative. Words like ‘unattractive', ‘disgusting’ and ‘shameful’ spring quickly to our lips.
If we wish to venture into intimacy we must have the courage to move past that first reaction of fear or revulsion. Opening the dark parts of our mind to an intimate lover sheds light on our fears and enables us to see those shadows for what they are – mostly our own imaginings. There is no barrier more difficult to overcome than that which is merely imagined.
What we are is what we are; all parts of us were created by the same Creator, and no part of that is either fearsome or revolting. Understanding and owning what we would otherwise deny, is understanding and owning ourselves. To be then loved as a limited and often failing human is to be loved indeed.
"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so” – Shakespeare (Hamlet).
It is important to clearly distinguish some terms:
Shyness – A feeling of fear of embarrassment.
Coyness – The affectation of being demure in a provocative way.
Demure – Affectedly modest or shy especially in a playful or provocative way.
Reticence – The trait of being uncommunicative; not volunteering anything more than necessary.
A girl is taught to be modest. While it is OK for a boy to face away and relieve himself against a convenient tree, most girls learn they must become invisible to urinate. Girls genitals are mostly unseen and often felt to be unattractive – to be hidden from view and definitely not to be admired or enjoyed.
An attractive young virgin is expected to be shy about her sexuality. There are good reasons for this, but not all women are shy. Some women may be sexually aggressive perhaps because they believe (wrongly) that is all they have to offer a man.
We learn different ways of relating to others, each having different advantages. The sexually aggressive woman may enjoy more sex at a young age, but ultimately she may have less choice when it comes to selecting a mate.
The woman who is sexually available may be a more attractive prospect for casual sex but may be less attractive as a mate because her availability to me is probably no more than her availability to all my competitors.
Modesty has an important biological function. Shyness makes a girl much more difficult to penetrate; her desire for sex is more easily resisted and she does not fall into bed with the first available male. This gives her more control in her selection of a mate – a necessary advantage as she has the potential for only about a dozen children, unlike the male who has the genetic potential for almost unlimited progeny.
The shy woman keeps her sexuality cloaked. This may reduce the number of men who will pursue her but enables her better to assess the qualities of those who do – she has more time and is better able to think about her long term prospects when her lust is not inflamed. Procreation is a long term project.
Following the logic of Richard Dawkins' Selfish Gene – which argues that our genetic raison d'etre is to reproduce our own genes) the sexual strategies of males may be expected to fall into at least two groups – the runners and the stayers (there may also be other effective strategies).
Runners will seek to maximise their progeny by fertilising as many females as possible. Runners may be expected to have little interest in intimacy, rather moving quickly on to the next conquest. Stayers on the other hand will serve their genes by ensuring that their progeny are nurtured and developed to full maturity. Stayers may have fewer fertilisations, but have a better chance of a particular child surviving.
Of the men only stayers will usually be interested in intimacy.
Her sexual shyness is something the stayer values – it is important as it serves to protect his investment. He promises to support her because he wants her to bear his children. As a stayer I do not want to share – I want exclusive rights (in order that I am not cuckolded).
(The differing sexual strategies of males and females and the way these have been driven in our evolution, along with a wide variety of other sexually determined influences on our behaviour, are discussed by Pease. The relationship between sexual strategies and differing testosterone levels between individuals is explored by Dabbs.)
Modesty may be valuable for a virgin girl, but inside an active sexual relationship it is inappropriate – it becomes a barrier to intimacy. To the extent that she feels the need to hide parts or functions of her body, she denies these to her partner. Denial of any part of ourselves is a denial of intimacy.
Surrender of her modesty is thus of great value to him. Her surrender of the cloak of shyness to allow him to see her as she is, desiring and desirable, undefended and willing, is a highly charged experience. Overcoming her modesty can be very difficult, particularly for deeply religious women.
For some couples this is a very exciting part of their relationship. ‘The List’ (linked on this site) describes the overcoming of modesty as ‘embarrassment’ – he seeks her embarrassment as a gift, an offering to him from her. Her ability to make this offering is learned, sometimes with difficulty. What she is learning is about herself.
Overcoming her shyness is an important part of the mating ritual. Her shyness relaxed is a physical demonstration of intimacy. Replacement of shyness with coyness makes her even more attractive when he knows that she does it only for him. Coyness is a dare to sexuality; it becomes an expression of intimacy as a challenge to be conquered, in the full expectation that her ultimate surrender will again be re-enacted.
In contrast, reticence is a denial of both sexuality and intimacy. Withholding from our lover is a denial of our love. Intimacy requires that reticence be abandoned.
To be intimate we must be free and generous with our information – about how we feel, about how we are being affected, about what is happening inside us. This communication is illustrated in noisy sex. It doesn't matter what sort of noises we make – all sounds communicate, whether words, gasps, sighs or grunts.
Of course the issue of communicating to others who do not wish (or need) to hear must be considered. Many couples must have their sex silently; it is important to recognise this as a barrier to intimacy which must be dropped when it is no longer necessary. The habit of silence however is easy to continue – at the expense of intimacy.
Intimacy has been well described as ‘into-me-you-see', it is a process by which we make ourselves transparent to our lover. When we have nothing to hide, we are careful to hide nothing. Everything is available to be seen by our lover – our deepest fears, wildest passions, most disgusting desires and our darkest thoughts included.
This transparency is active not passive. This is an important distinction. Active transparency means that I gladly tell and willingly show you deep inside. I invite you there and I ask you to go and to explore. It does not mean disgorging myself unbidden, but that I actively wish to talk about whatever you ask of me – there is nothing I would hide. Most importantly it means no minimal or guarded responses – an active transparency desires that you see and wishes to show.
I believe that baring my soul is good for me. It helps me to understand what I think, what I want, what is important to me. Knowing these things is what we mean when we talk of knowing ourselves. Knowing these things we become more stable and stronger to deal with the exigencies of life, we are less fearful, we become free to enjoy ourselves, in short, free to live.
We change, we may be adults but we don't stay the same. The things we hold most important change as we age. These things also change as we understand ourselves better. Again the image of peeling the onion applies; each layer we understand of ourselves reveals another deeper layer of other pretence and fears which may now be addressed.
When are we bare? Only when we have no fear left to lose – perhaps never.
The woman who commented: “The gynaecologist saw me like my husband never did” was not deeply into intimacy with her husband. It is likely however that she considered herself more intimate with him than she was with her gynaecologist. There is an essential difference in these relationships in that her relationship with her husband was one of mutuality while that with her gynaecologist was commercial.
Her relationship with her husband is expected to involve corresponding exposure and revelation on both sides. If one party insists that this exposure is limited or restricted then mutual intimacy is limited and restricted. How can you explore the limits of trust with me if you don't understand it or are not open to it yourself?
A few people entrust intimate aspects of themselves to others in unequal exchange – for instance some TPE (total power exchange) relationships in which submissives (usually women) are subservient to a dominant (usually male) with no expectation of equal treatment. Such relationships are non-reciprocal – having exposure of one party without there being corresponding exposure of the other. I am not aware of any such relationships lasting for more than a few months.
This paper deals with the exploration of intimacy in longer term relationships. It is my belief that this can only be achieved on a basis of equality and mutual trust. Thus if one partner of a relationship chooses not to open up to the exploration of intimacy then mutuality is not present and any exploration is crippled.
The Chinese concept of Yin and Yang is said to parallel the quantum theoretical concept of complementarity, I am told Niels Bohr, one of the founders of quantum theory, included the Yin/Yang insignia in his family coat of arms along with the statement that “opposites are complementary”.
The requirement for mutuality is simply a reflection of this.
When I allow you intimate access to my mind, to my fears and inhibitions, I do so because I want you to go there, to enter those secret places and to know me. This is not something which I do with just anybody. When I expose myself, I am physically and emotionally vulnerable, but I trust you and I am willing to risk that you will not betray that trust. By opening myself to you I say ‘I trust you’.
This trust must be carefully placed. Ordinarily we would do so progressively and only as we see a similar demonstration of trust by our lover. Trust engenders intimacy and this may be explored with confidence when both are equally open and trusting.
Exploration of intimacy also requires courage. When I expose myself to you I must have courage to be open and honest about what I think or feel and to trust that you will respect it. Courage is more particularly required if I am to accept all that I discover, as our acceptance of ourselves is the single most difficult objective.
For your part you must take courage to accept what I say at face value and to test or explore those issues or areas which previously would have evoked a strong negative response from me. You run the risk that my walk may not be as far reaching as my talk – I may have said things which I am not in fact prepared to go through with. The risk is aggravated when it is realised that we are often unclear in our words and we easily interpret the same sentence quite differently.
This risk is very real, considerable damage can be suffered where trust you thought you had is lost. That can be scary in a relationship which is important to you. It takes courage to test these issues, but until they are tested they remain merely words – an idle boast.
There is no intimacy without humility.
Intimacy teaches us to stop defending or pretending, and to accept ourselves as we are. We don't completely relax until we have nothing to defend – many of us have to hit bottom first – then we are able to begin to understand humility. Perhaps we cannot understand humility until we have hit bottom.
Humility is not self-deprecation. Lots of people will say how unimportant or stupid they are, but they do not accept it. They say it so that others will contradict them thus boosting their egos with that assurance. Repeatedly seeking the affirmation of others is a dependence (‘other validation’ was discussed above) which quickly becomes very tiresome.
Many proponents of BDSM play games which involve degrees of humiliation. This requires great sensitivity and mutual understanding if the hazards of personal devaluation are to be avoided. At the same time the scope for self examination and understanding is without apparent limit.
Intimacy is humbling. The process by which we open ourselves to each other requires we expose the supports of our self-respect; we show our self-worth to be frail, we allow ourselves to be seen for what we are and we do not try to protect ourselves from disgrace or embarrassment. This exposure is intimately revealing – our weaknesses become visible.
Some people deliberately humiliate each other as a way of showing and exercising their intimacy. Such humiliation will usually be only in private, or in terms which are not readily recognised by others present.
Humiliation is aversive. Being compelled to drink copious fluids and not permitted to urinate culminates with involuntary release – behaviour which we are strongly conditioned to avoid. It is humiliating. It is also simply being ourselves, limited, human. Deliberate humiliation by a lover can quickly expose our primitive core. Willingly offering myself for this I abandon pretence, I am shown to be merely an animal with animal limitations and my fantasies of socialisation are shown for what they are.
Humiliation is complex. Most people will say that humbleness is a characteristic they admire but, when it comes to themselves, neither humiliation nor humility is welcome. Being humbled is an important experience for those who would be intimate and wish to understand their own human limitations.
Not everybody wants this – many people are not ready or able to face themselves. It is important that humiliation does not reduce the subject's ability to handle his environment, care must be shown in this regard.
Intimacy is something I may choose to allow. It does not happen unless I actively make this choice.
Without willing actions we make no statement. My response to your request or persuasion may be consent, but that is not necessarily willing. I may submit myself to your desires, but without the active involvement of my will it is merely passive consent, it is not a statement at all, it is simply compliance.
A willing act of submission is different. An act of my will which makes and holds myself open and available to you speaks much louder than passive consent. My act of will to hold myself vulnerable may include my choice to be humiliated, to be challenged, or bound in position so that I will not move. If this is my choice it is my statement and may become a highly potent act of willing submission.
There are some women who desire for themselves to be totally submissive to a man who will be responsible for them, think for them, enjoy them and thus define and fulfil them, who think they need a relationship to make them whole. They wish to be wholly and completely known and absolutely submissive to their male master. This is a dangerous fantasy.
It simply is not possible for any man to know a woman in such a way, even when she desires it. He is struggling to know and understand himself – how can he possibly understand her needs as well as she does (she may not understand them well herself – that surely is her warning). She must not assume he can read her mind – which he cannot of course – she being from Venus and he from Mars (thank you John Gray). If she seeks only to reflect his desires what he gets is merely passive consent and compliance - she is not expressing her own will but seeking simply to reflect his.
A relationship of this sort is not a relationship between equals; it is not even a relationship between whole people. While her objective is to be what she thinks he wants, she is failing to be herself. What he is left to relate to is not a person but a fantasy – an illusion of what she thinks he wishes to see. While this may have some novelty value for a time, it is dramatically less than a balanced human relationship. She is a sycophant, in fact a deceiver, and because he is relating to a fantasy he does not enjoy intimacy with her; she is not exposed (either to him or to herself), and intimacy is denied.
Similarly, because he is not relating to her but to the image she offers she does not enjoy intimacy with him. He becomes intimate with her only by exposing himself and becoming vulnerable to her. She cannot read his mind any more than he can read hers. It is impossible to find who I am or who you are when either is pretending. An intimate relationship begins with being human and being totally honest about that.
While either of them is presenting a fantasy in place of themselves the relationship is not based on the strength of the partners, because at least one partner is not wholly present. When any part of what is said may be a pretence, what can we trust to be true? How can we know where the pretence ends? In order for there to be a lasting relationship, both parties must bring something of worth to it – themselves whole and true, not some fantasy however appealing it may seem.
We must be responsible for ourselves, and if we are to be intimate we must communicate our desires and needs as best we understand them. If we are first responsible for ourselves, our lover may be confident that what we say is an expression of our will; our choice then to be vulnerable is actively willing and intimacy may become a real adventure of exploration.
Intimacy helps us to be free from fear. By coming to terms with ourselves and confronting our demons we are able to be hold those issues in a manageable perspective – I manage them and they no longer control me. The prospect of pain or loss may thus be transformed from an unacceptable apprehension, to an experience of life. That does not mean that we don't feel pain or loss, but the pain or loss does not threaten us personally.
Coming to terms with ourselves is coming to understand who I am. I am not my possessions – if I lose a dollar I am not reduced as a person, my wealth may be less but my inner self is not diminished. I may suffer a pain which is at least a superficial injury to my body but my spirit is not injured.
As I expose myself in my intimate relationship I am helped to understand what is important to me and what is peripheral – what is the core inner self and what I am easily able to let go. Learning to let go – to not cling to what is not important – that is a great strength.
Understanding how my spirit or inner self is thus secured, and learning to extend this invulnerability to more of the crises of my body or circumstances, makes me much stronger in handling the vagaries of life. In my view, this is good.
At the same time it is precisely this freedom from fear that enables us to be intimate. It is my ability to let myself go that enables me to expose myself to my lover. At first this is an act of trust; I take a risk that my lover will be trustworthy and will not take advantage of my vulnerability. When that trust is honoured I am able to trust more.
My lover can use that trust to explore what is important and what is peripheral to me. By testing how important things are my lover can show me the extent of my trust and the extent to which my spirit or inner self is secured.
Intimacy is thus both chicken and egg to fearlessness. Intimacy comes hand in hand with learning trust and exposing my fears to my lover. I cannot have one without the other.
Learning to let ourselves go also expands our enjoyment of ourselves; our ability to abandon ourselves to the moment is necessary for the full experience of intimate pleasures. The Puritan denies abandonment to pleasure because the loss of control is so feared; but loss of control is an objective of intimacy. Self control is something our mothers struggled to teach us – to fully discover ourselves we must also learn how and when to lose it.
The process of unveiling ourselves is not only a process of learning not to fear. As we discover more about ourselves we also find strengths, resources and abilities which we did not know we possessed. We cannot declare or use what we do not know we have.
Being transparent to our lover means allowing you to see into me. I actively wish for this to happen; I wish to show you; I wish for you to see all that I know is there. At the same time it is inevitable that you will see things which I did not know were there.
The process of you seeing into me and exploring me will thus reveal more about me than I ever thought possible. Your exploration uncovers treasures which I could never have found for myself.
Knowing ourselves enables us to be ourselves; to live more fully and to more nearly approach the potential we have. For most of us this is available to me only through my intimate exposure to my lover.
Motivation moves us. All motivation is ultimately self-interest – even that of self sacrifice which sees itself served vicariously (or as ‘brownie points’ for the hereafter). Understanding our motivation is an important part of understanding ourselves.
Motivation is as varied as people; my motives are as different from yours as is my personality. Understanding what moves us is important in understanding ourselves. When we understand ourselves we are freed from much ignorance and the fears which derive from that.
Tension is who you think you should be,
Relaxation is who you are. -- Chinese Proverb
As children we are taught we must not be greedy or envious or jealous. These feelings however don't go away simply because they are forbidden – we repress them and deny to ourselves that we feel them.
Carl Jung referred to the ‘Shadow’ as those parts of our personality which we would deny – it ‘personifies everything that the subject refuses to acknowledge about himself’. The Shadow includes both positive and negative tendencies which are repressed ‘because of their incompatibility with the chosen conscious attitude’ not because they are evil or antisocial. Indeed the duality of good and evil in this context is an unhelpful concept, our qualities are what we are, in some circumstances they are strengths and sometimes weaknesses. (cf. quote from Shakespeare above)
Psychoanalyst Wilhelm Reich wrote of ‘The Trap’ to describe the circumscribing boundary of our socially accepted conventional wisdom – “The Trap is man's emotional structure”. Reich contended we were free to leave this trap, but to do so we first have to recognise how we were constrained.
It is like an act of faith:
If you understand no explanation is necessary;
If you do not understand no explanation is sufficient.
Whether we think in terms of ‘The Shadow’ or of ‘The Trap’ we deal with the same issues – much of our behaviour is not within our immediate control but is learned in fear and reinforced by denial. There are times when these behaviours are unhelpful to us and the ability to choose – to have light in the shadow or to leave the trap – is immensely valuable.
Repression and denial are effective ways to handle feelings and emotions we fear, but they deny us control of ourselves. We may wish to take that control, but our subconscious management of the processes of denial makes such change difficult. We all need help.
It is important to understand that denied feelings do not simply go away. We will always have the forbidden feelings; denial just makes them more dangerous. By recognising them and understanding why we feel this way we are able to manage them without denial. This enables us to use a much wider range of management strategies and to achieve better outcomes every time.
Forbidden desires may include sexual feelings, a wish to do violent things, to smash or wreak vengeance, to cause pain and to exercise power over others, feelings which we sometimes have but which we feel are illegitimate, not right, unnatural, not ‘me’. These are socialised and repressed mostly by denial – we simply say we do not have them, but that of course is not the truth.
Admitting these desires, owning the feelings and expressing them in safe and satisfying ways is more appropriate than containment and denial and permits a much broader range of appropriate responses to the experiences of life.
Most children are discouraged from experimentation with some parts of their bodies. Girls genitals are largely invisible to them and in both sexes the anus is also; these acquire associations as dirty and more than a little fearsome. These feelings are perhaps appropriate for children who may otherwise be tempted to ‘unsociable’ behaviour (disturbing to those who prefer their inhibition), but for adults seeking intimate relationships such feelings are unhelpful.
Overcoming the negative feelings associated with our genitals and anus is necessary if we are to allow our lover access to all of ourselves. It is inappropriate that such deliciously sensitive and sexually significant membranes should be in any way restricted in an intimate sexual relationship.
It is equally appropriate to learn to deal with other aspects of ourselves which we view negatively or deny. We are often unable to see our self denigration and we are unconscious of our unconscious, but we may allow our lover to draw us past these limiting behaviours.
The sensations associated with overcoming negative feelings may not all be pleasant, and it should not be expected that difficult changes are made without a struggle, but the sense of achievement, of self-acceptance and the self knowledge provide rich rewards
We often frustrate ourselves with expectations that we should achieve some particular goals, when those goals were not appropriate for us. The youngster who intends to be President often enough has little trouble dropping that for a more realistic objective, but we still seem to hold the expectation that we should be a perfect spouse or that our lover should be more perfect than they are.
My lover loves me as I am and is prepared to accept me with my limitations; it is inappropriate then for me to expect or pretend more.
Some people appear to pride themselves on expecting more – that is unrealistic – they are pretending to be better than they are. This is like the soloist who having performed in public disparages his own performance as ‘terrible’. He wants people to believe he is better than he actually is; that he would usually sound much better than he did. The truth of course is that, when he performed, he did his best. (Had he deliberately performed below his best the hidden agenda is his own).
It can be difficult to accept that we are only as good as we are, but that is an important part of understanding ourselves.
Often when confronted with a challenge in our life we are tempted to avoid the issue. A simple strategy for that avoidance is to make the situation somebody else's responsibility.
Blaming you makes the situation your responsibility and excuses me. My feelings are not my responsibility – you made me feel this way. No logic is required (or usually available), blaming says ‘it is your responsibility’.
Denying responsibility is another popular strategy. ‘We are doing this only because you want to’ means that I will not be responsible for anything and when it goes bad all the odium will be yours. This is a recipe for failure every time – be sure you will wear the odium.
An intimate relationship requires that we accept the responsibility for our own feelings and for our part of the relationship. We are not responsible for our lover's actions or feelings, but we are 100% responsible for our own. Accepting this responsibility may require considerable discipline.
This observation reflects the truth that every problem we encounter is a reflection of our world view and the way we feel things ought to be. So often we seek to change the world to fit our own expectations, however, every problem we have can be more easily solved by adjusting our own world view to more accurately reflect the way things are.
Our world view is a construction discussed in Who am I above. Discovering ourselves is fundamental to achieving a world view in which we are able to be true to ourselves.
In every case the answer is inside us. This paper does not set out to demonstrate the truth of that, but it does depend on it.
IT IS I WHO MUST BEGIN
It is I who must begin...
Once I begin, once I try –
here and now,
right where I am,
not excusing myself
by saying things
would be easier elsewhere,
without grand speeches and
ostentatious gestures,
but all the more persistently
– to live in harmony
with the “voice of Being,” as I
understand it within myself
– as soon as I begin that,
I suddenly discover,
to my surprise, that
I am neither the only one,
nor the first,
nor the most important one
to have set out
upon that road...
Whether all is really lost
or not depends entirely on
whether or not I am lost.
– Vaclav Havel
There is a scene early in the James Bond movie ‘Thunderball’ in which Bond's masseuse has him stand with his hands above his head while she examines his torso. He appears to wear only a towel. Her examination starts at his armpits and progresses purposefully toward his waist. This 1960s film has no nudity and sex is only discreetly implied, however the tension as she approaches the towel is highly erotic.
The film does not show it, but every viewer can imagine her inspection continuing; stripping the towel and his dignity as she does. With Bond's hands kept above his head – out of the way where they are not available to defend or protect him, she is unstoppable. It is not nakedness which makes this scene seethe – it is the resolute demeanor of the masseuse which permits no dissent.
Had her approach been tentative or cautious the tension would not be there – she wouldn't dare go past the edge of the towel. Equally, had Bond not kept his hands fully raised, his vulnerability would be much less. With his arms lower – say halfway up – he could easily have stopped her removing the towel. His demeanor would be saying don't try it, and again she wouldn't dare. Attitude is everything.
It is often the case that our attitudes and demeanor are our most successful defence strategies. They are most successful because they are the most difficult to counter or challenge – because they are subtle.
Removing our defences is fundamental to intimacy.
Clothes are one defence which we employ – they hide those parts of our bodies which we have learned we should not show to others, and clothes disguise those aspects of our shape or appearance which we might wish were different. If we don't like our clothes we may change them. Thus our clothes are the image we present to the world – ‘clothes make the man’.
We cannot choose our skin – we get one issue and it is ours to manage. Learning to accept the way we are and that this is OK (God doesn't make junk) is often difficult. Most of us are afraid about what others will think if they see us the way we are and we become skilled at hiding ourselves.
Being seen naked, exposing those parts of us which we cannot see ourselves, being touched there, is a form of vulnerability. We declare ourselves by removing one line of defence with our clothes.
'Good girls don't use those words.’ Maybe so but ultimately when our pretences are dropped are we really so pure? At heart we are sexual animals and there are wild elements inside all of us. One way in which we can declare and exercise those feelings is by the use of language at which we might blush in other circumstances.
Some women wear no makeup, others wouldn't be seen dead without it. For many women it is a very important part of self-image. In a sense it is an expression of dissatisfaction with the skin we were born with – we have learned to dislike our natural appearance and wish to change it. Removal of makeup for some people may be a very challenging exposure.
Even more than makeup, our hair is often important to the way we see ourselves. Some people diligently shave or otherwise epilate certain hairy areas, removal of hair from other places however may be a very sensitive issue (not just because the skin is tender). Removal of pubic hair can create an acute sense of exposure. It also creates an appearance of pubescent youth which can be simultaneously humiliating and very exciting.
We have many lines of defence, and abandonment of these is often difficult. We see ourselves as having particular strengths or qualities – in particular we like to believe we are in control of ourselves and we struggle hard to avoid losing that control. But baring ourselves and dropping our defences is about quitting those social pretences and losing our own control in order to become intimate.
Often we are not conscious of those things we defend and which limit the intimacy of our relationships. Our lover however may be very conscious of them, or may become so as other more tangible hurdles are removed. Our lover may wish for some small detail to be different, not from an arbitrary whim but because that detail is perceived as a barrier to seeing us (and allowing us to see ourselves) as we really are.
It is the specific defence which protects this particular detail which I must identify and abandon to allow my lover in.
Just saying so does not abandon a pretence. I can perhaps say I no longer pretend about something, but while that is not tested it is merely words and it may not be true. If I wish to be intimate with you, then I wish for the truth of my feelings to be demonstrated and indeed, in so far as possible, to be proved.
Equally, when I abandon a defence I desire that you should enter there. Baring myself to an empty room may see me undefended but against what threat? It is a hollow gesture. A redoubt can safely be undefended when there is no enemy. To show you that my redoubt is no longer defended I wish to have you walk in, to enter and thoroughly explore the formerly defended space, and to demonstrate your freedom by actions which I do not defend against.
For this reason I hold my hands out of the way or I allow myself to be tied up. I allow myself to be exposed or taken over with the expectation that you will then do things which I might otherwise wish to defend myself against. I trust you not to injure me, and my action in the face of your threat (you certainly could cause injury) is confirmation of my trust.
Some people play erotic games which focus on such trust. The games include the expectation of activities involving significant elements of threat and exposure, which may approach my limit of tolerance. As I approach my limits we both learn where that limit is (or isn't – and it moves), we understand ourselves better (both of us) and my trust is confirmed.
As we understand ourselves and each other better, the game changes to make my exposure more profound. The game is thus a spiral experiment in which each repetition gives confidence to the players to touch progressively deeper chords in each other. The onion is peeled again.
There are many subtleties in exposing ourselves. A woman may be quite comfortable on the beach wearing next to nothing but in other circumstances she may feel exposed when fully covered. Removing clothes or arranging them to reveal the body beneath is one way of manipulating our exposure.
Many couples have never taken the opportunity to closely examine each other's bodies. They dress and undress privately, fuck under the covers or in the dark (or both) and avoid questioning each other about their appearance. This leaves all our worst prejudices and fears about our appearance (how ugly we are) undisturbed and unchallenged.
Such privacy is the antithesis of intimacy. The prejudice and fear is not just disabling, it is also untrue. What my lover chooses to find attractive in me is not for me to decide, you alone choose what you like for reasons of your own. I must allow you to decide if I look nice or ugly to you, that is not my choice.
Detailed physical exploration of those parts of our bodies we cannot see presents some issues as to what is attractive to our lover and why. Such explorations should be made in good light with whatever adjustments of position or access are desired. Further, they should not be made just once, but repeated again and again until all embarrassment is lost.
Sex with the light on is a new experience for some, orgasm with our eyes open reveals some more. These things are about being seen and becoming visible to each other.
Allowing ourselves to be seen clearly is a part of being intimate but soon enough the limitations of sight and touch can be approached. A couple exploring the depths of intimacy will find that our minds provide much more scope.
Inhibition of behaviour and feelings may be very deep. It is often not easy to overcome an inhibition even when we realise that it is hindering our personal development. It may be necessary to go through the same experiences many times before it becomes possible to do it easily and to go on to explore ourselves more intimately.
Being conscious that our behaviour is inhibited is an important first step, but it is another matter altogether to overcome that inhibition and to take full control of that aspect of ourselves.
The activities outlined below will often give rise to astonishingly strong responses. These may also sometimes cause minor injury or damage. Care is required to ensure that these remain minor and that visible damage (eg a bruise) will not cause difficulty for others who may not understand.
The elements of the games of trust are endless and limited only by our imaginations. These elements are usually configured in such a way as to have an erotically satisfying ending.
Some common elements include:
Most people can comfortably offer a hand to a manicurist without knowing that person's name. Hardly an intimate relationship. The same person is less willing to have their genitals or anus explored in similar detail. Why not? Are the finger nails and the anus not just parts of the same body?
Becoming comfortable with our lover's (and our own) curiosity with all parts of ourselves includes the freedom to explore and play with these parts of our bodies. Reconstructing our world view often starts with reconstructing our body image.
Allowing our lover free access to our body is often difficult at first. When I grant you access I wish you to exercise that freedom by exploring – more thoroughly than I ever dared to myself.
Coming to understand our bodies as the place where we live; learning to treat all parts equally; accepting that no part is good or bad (without thinking they are not different); these are important steps in coming to understand ourselves.
Some of us feel more vulnerable when we are being touched or held – touch communicates as our muscle tone can be felt (are we tense or relaxed) and our skin responds to our feelings (electrical resistance of the skin is a long-used measure of emotional response). Being held (hugged) also restricts our freedom. We are briefly imprisoned by the hug, and this has implications for some people, at least in our imagination if not in fact.
Children shout and cry out in frustration or excitement; mature adults smile patronisingly at their uninhibited expression. We hold our feelings deeply buried inside us and allow them to show only in socially acceptable ways. We are careful to keep control of ourselves. Coming to terms with our primitive self includes expressing this in ways that our lover can understand.
The Primal Scream is representative of a host of psychological trance techniques intended to help us reconstruct our relationship to our past and our primitive selves. The scream is significant because it is often vocalisation which most readily expresses these feelings.
'Letting it all hang out’ is how we used to describe someone who had lost control of themselves. We thought this to be something of a disgrace, but it is also an important part of admitting who we are. We do not admit what we think and feel to ourselves until we are able to admit it also to others.
When we can (in appropriate circumstances) vocalise and express our feelings without restraint, without feeling the need to maintain some self-respect, without the need to pretend that we are in control, without needing to filter what is coming out, being content to just let it all run, only then can we begin to accept ourselves.
Having a good cry is often tendered to us as a way of dealing with strong feelings. It is in many ways similar to vocalisation as a means of expression. It is less inhibited in women for whom weeping is often expected but in Western men particularly, the inhibition is profound.
Inhibition may be very strong, and just thinking the inhibition inappropriate does not make it go away. Where the inhibition, say of tears, is strong enough it may not be possible for a person to cry even though he may feel the need.
D&S involves one party (the submissive) undertaking to obey the other (the dominant) without question. This may include some threat of ‘punishment’ to provide compulsion, however it is often the case that personal honour is quite sufficient. Consent in this context is a critical question. The pages Consent and Equality in BDSM address this.
The behaviour and tasks required are at the whim of the dominant and are effective to the extent that they highlight and underscore the other's submission. My actively choosing to make that submission is my statement of exposure.
My dominant is expected to test this by asking me to perform things I may find difficult, proving my submission and my trust. My dominant will desirably choose tasks which require me to confront my own inhibitions and denial and will serve to improve my understanding, acceptance and mastery of myself.
Humiliation is discussed above at Owning ourselves and is an effective device in the context of D&S play.
Our instinctive response to exposure is to cover or protect ourselves. Many people use bondage to enhance the experience of exposure by denying the possibility of any defensive response.
Bondage enables (forces) me to confront things which I would otherwise avoid. We are able to enhance our sense of vulnerability and may use bondage to exaggerate the threat which my lover poses to me. Coupled with uncertainty about what will then happen, the process of applying bondage itself may be quite challenging. The excitement of bondage enhances intimate play and thoughtfully applied can take physical exploration and stimulation into experiences of profound trust.
It is significant that in bondage the option to escape is also being surrendered (the subject cannot choose to end the relationship and just step out of it). Because bondage includes some risks of real physical injury it is important that a feeling of panic or possible injury is able to be communicated. Couples playing with bondage use a ‘safeword’ which is some word unlikely to be uttered in the play but which means stop now and ends all play.
There are many technical elements of bondage which are not appropriate to explore here. Suffice it to say that the scope for injury is significant, care and knowledge is required. The responsibility this places on the dominant is heavy. You are entirely responsible for my safety and to ensure I am not injured. When I surrender to bondage I am entrusting you heavily and I expect much.
Popular as adjuncts to bondage are various forms of sensory deprivation. Most simply an effective blindfold prevents me watching my lover and adds a deal of uncertainty to what is about to happen and what it may feel like. That uncertainty may also be enhanced by the use of earmuffs or headphones playing masking sound. Sensory deprivation may be taken further as body wrapping but again requires care and knowledge.
Sensory deprivation allows my imagination to become a very effective tool in the hands of a skilled dominant. If I cannot see that the situation is otherwise I might believe almost anything. Sensory deprivation enables play with fear in a variety of forms and can help us come to terms with our fears.
When I submit myself to you and allow you to deny me my senses I submit not only my freedom to escape or avoid but also much of my ability to detect the safety of my circumstances. The trust required for this is profound.
These experiences can be extremely powerful and should not be played with thoughtlessly. Our fears can be very deeply rooted and should only be exposed with great care, tenderness and love.
My ability to trust my lover in this way requires that I am at peace with my lover and myself. Proving that peace is a deeply moving experience.
The phenomena of hypnosis are little understood but users of D&S often observe their play and hypnosis to have many features in common. The manipulation of sensation and experience by physical means has obvious parallels to manipulation by suggestion, and it is suggested that the physical techniques are perhaps only devices for producing the same psychological effects.
All couples who use imagination, role-play and fantasy to create exciting circumstances for themselves are using elements of hypnosis for this purpose.
Many of those who learn hypnosis explore its applicability in place of physical techniques (a post-hypnotic suggestion of bondage may be just as effective and requires no hardware) while the adaptability offered by hypnosis far outclasses any collection of erotic toys.
Hypnosis is a learned skill, and is required to be learned by the subject as much as the hypnotist. It is something which the subject permits the hypnotist to do. Hypnosis also brings ethical risks and is not easy to use on a whim. On the other hand the scope for application in intimate circumstances is apparently unlimited.
Because hypnosis is largely a behaviour of the subject, it requires a tangible trust, actively expressed.
Our response to pain is naturally to make it stop – to stop the damage. Pain is defined as a sensory experience for which the minimal stimulus is tissue damage; perhaps very slight and altogether reversible but nevertheless damage (Encyclopaedia Britannica). Thus a slap may not cause a visible bruise but the sensation of sting is indicative of tiny elements of skin damage.
Nobody likes to stub his toe – it hurts. Accidental pain always hurts. Deliberate pain can be different. It has been described as ‘take the panic out of pain and what you are left with is very strong feelings.’ Taking the panic out is removing the need to make the pain stop. When the pain is purposeful we may feel very differently about it. How we perceive pain is little understood and includes many strange phenomena.
The experience of deliberate pain can be very meaningful in ways which are hard to rationally describe or explain. From time immemorial religious practices have employed experiences of pain to give emphasis or significance. The initiation ceremonies of many tribal cultures are given importance by pain. The initiate would not have it otherwise – if the test were easy the sense of achievement in passing would be reduced and the differentiation of boy and man greyed. The initiate wants the test to be all but impossible, to make that divide as wide as possible and to put his boyhood as far as possible behind. He wants to be a real man and the test is confirmation that he is.
Couples who play with pain commonly use spanking by hand, hair brush or paddle, floggers of all sorts and canes. It is axiomatic that any pain must be able to be varied in intensity to suit the needs and feelings of the partners – and in this respect the feelings of the dominant are no less important than, and may be just as limiting as, those of the submissive. Choosing a cane does not require it to be applied hard, and some preferred floggers are soft and/or light.
When I surrender to the pain you administer my surrender is tangible, I feel it. The simple materiality of this easy to understand; it is less easy to understand why I might then wish for this to become more intense, however that intensity generates corresponding responses in our bodies which may be very powerful.
Similarly, inflicting pain creates feelings in the dominant which are not easily explained or understood in terms of popular motivational models.
These are the experiences of sadism and masochism and are a part of our human psyche often most deeply denied. Experiment and experience with these may tempt some people to label us as perverts, but an understanding of ourselves which denies or excludes any aspect on account of social acceptability is indeed slight.
Coming to terms with myself means dealing with all of me – not just the easy bits.
People are different and some people will be better able to use or prefer some elements or styles of play and will be less comfortable with others. Discovering ourselves is not about discovering that we are all the same – of course we are not.
One thing we discover is the imbalance and asymmetry which is characteristic of ourselves. What we may find through intimacy is the truth about ourselves, unadorned by the expectations or desires of others. That truth will be expressed as different preferences for play in each of us.
Complex games such as those described above should be played between partners as equals with each exploring and revealing. It should not be expected however that both will be suited by the same strategies. We are different. In any strategy one partner may be dominant and the other submissive. At such a time the game between equals will be unbalanced, their roles are different and complementary.
Sustained intense sexual experiences cannot be simultaneous. When we are simultaneously excited both parties seek to drive the other to completion and while a well controlled man may make this last for a while that delay is frustrating and the frustration soon enough compels him to complete.
Sustained experiences are possible when one party takes his pleasure only vicariously – enjoying the excitement generated but not being so excited as to become personally frustrated – unlike the subject of the ministrations who may become intensely excited and very frustrated as the excitement is continued without relief. This can be sustained indefinitely, and when appropriate skills are learned, may be enjoyed by players of either sex with a subject of either sex.
The term unconditional love has been used cheaply in religious circles and for some may be hollow. It is still worth considering however.
Unconditional means there is no ‘if’. This is what I seek when I become intimate and make myself vulnerable to you. Like all motives it is essentially selfish – I seek something when I open myself to you – it is that you will come in and explore me, that I may be made known to myself, and learning who I am, that I may come to accept that.
My unconditional surrender to you is made tangible in the games we play – games through which I declare my willing submission and which you use to explore my most intimate self.
This is not something I do, but something you do. I may declare myself open but we are not intimate until you enter and explore. In this regard, unconditional love is a necessary but not sufficient condition for intimacy – you must love me too, for to enter is dangerous.
When I offer you my submission, my first risk is that you may simply not understand or accept it. Your failure to accept my offering gives me a feeling of rejection which is difficult to handle. It also leaves intimacy crippled.
For these reasons couples should give careful consideration to exploring this complex and sensitive area. While there is much to be gained, not everybody is ready to handle the confrontations involved. These confrontations may be expected to be as difficult for either party, the dominant will encounter as much difficulty as the submissive – the problems are just different.
Intimacy is effective on the principle that ‘the answer is inside us', however many people are not prepared to admit that principle. While ever we expect to find ready-made solutions provided by others we will not do the hard yards of looking inside. Such people will find little benefit in exposing themselves in an intimate relationship.
To offer myself to somebody who is unready or unwilling to respond, is to waste my time and to risk myself without prospect of return. Stupid.
An intimate relationship is necessarily a relationship of equals, who are each fully responsible for themselves. It is likely that exploring intimacy will reveal elements of inequality or unshared responsibility in your relationship. A platform of transparency and openness enables these issues to be dealt with.
Accepting the invitation involves accepting the responsibility which was always ours anyway. As the submissive we must expect to be challenged to express difficult feelings; as the dominant we must confront our own limitations as explorers of emotions. We are each individually responsible for our own happiness. Understanding this enables us to find it – by looking inside.
There are many aspects of ourselves which we deny because we have learned that they are not ‘nice’. Understanding ourselves involves exploring these and accepting the things that make us what we are as neither nice nor ugly – they simply are.
This is difficult to accept in ourselves, and if we have not fully accepted it then it may be difficult to accept and even more difficult to confront in our lover. Learning to allow the truth, to accept it as the way things are, neither good nor bad, is fundamental to learning to accept ourselves.
Understanding ourselves enables us to understand others. Understanding them, we are able to forgive them for their thoughtlessness or selfishness – we can see it in ourselves too. Accepting ourselves for what we are enables us to accept others, and forgiving them we are able also to forgive ourselves. Freedom to forgive ourselves is freedom indeed.
This freedom is the ‘pearl without price', the ‘peace which passes all understanding’.
Forgiving and accepting ourselves
we can find our answers inside ourselves
and live to our full potential.
We can love others fully when we are able to accept and love ourselves.
What else is there to live for.
We eagerly think of the benefits of intimacy and the relationships which we desire with others. Too often however we are more reluctant to think about the need we have to be intimate with ourselves. In some respects too this is more difficult.
In the same way as I may be open to my lover, I must also be open and honest with myself. This means not pretending but accepting myself as I am – allowing myself to be limited and human. Giving myself permission to be human is not to wallow in self-indulgence but to recognise and admit the truth as it applies to me.
There are a number of important elements in this:
In so doing I do not hide or obscure myself from you by honouring these needs I have. I am not denying you intimacy, I am simply owning and accepting responsibility for myself.
From the day we are born we seek to manipulate the behaviour of those around us – we want people to do the things we choose and to refrain as we desire.
The forces available to players of intimate games are very large. We are likely to make big changes in our behaviour and that of our lover. This is deep stuff. Intimacy opens doors to personal change in a big way and we have a heavy responsibility to ensure that the changes we seek in each other are beneficial not selfish.
It is regrettably common that we learn as children to disparage ourselves – many of us are taught to think of ourselves as inadequate in a variety of ways. This self deprecation is reflected in the desire some have to find a partner who will complete them or otherwise make them into what they can be (rather than to enhance what is already wonderful about them). This is an unreasonable expectation of our lover and a mistaken view of our relationship.
A relationship of equals requires that I take responsibility for my own behaviour and that I accept myself as an equal partner in the union. These are often difficult things to learn, and particularly so if I have previously learned that I am inferior. It is not my lover's responsibility to do this for me; the hard yards are mine to walk.
It is equally the case that we hold close many things, saying that these are important to us. These may be material things, other people (especially our children), money and resources, and other less tangible aspects of ourselves such as pride in never losing our temper, or in some skills or abilities.
The opening remarks of this paper illustrate the transition we make in life from total vulnerability to being quite invulnerable. In between we cling to things we think important to us, but which in the end mostly are not really important at all.
Often the things which cause us most pain are struggles over things which do not matter – being right; getting my dues; being respected or admired; winning; getting back (revenge & spite); asserting myself; beating him; maintaining my self control; those things that enable us to feel better than others, or just better than we are, and which in death sum to precisely zero.
Acting big and powerful is what we do when we feel small. Accepting myself is accepting that I am not big or powerful, nor inadequate, but simply human like everyone else. I have strengths and weaknesses and when I honour both in myself I honour myself. Honouring myself I am able to love others, and feel no need to be superior to them.
Understanding our relationship to these things – to our own bodies and ourselves – enables us to avoid struggling for what we know is unimportant. Understanding that something doesn't matter, we are able to let it go. Ultimately this even includes our intimate relationships – for we must and will let them go in the end.
Maturing is the process of realising what is important and letting all the rest go, which means both not holding on and not wanting. Intimacy can help us find the way. It is very liberating.
"I used to want things to be different – relationships, money, job – whatever – everything. To get past this, I began to explore not knowing and not wanting. I got the first piece easily, but frankly, I've sucked at the latter.
Wayne Allen
It is important for people exploring intimate relationships to take time for themselves.
Intimacy can be a challenging business and may require a great deal of mental effort. All of us require to take breaks from this to rest and recuperate.
Taking a break does not mean that I am no longer your intimate lover. There will inevitably be times when one of us wishes a break and the other wishes activity. We must work these out for ourselves, remembering to value the break just as much as the activity.
Consolidation is also important because there are other priorities in our lives beside intimacy. Bearing and raising children, earning a living, cleaning the house, social and community obligations all demand our time and are more or less important to us, and in their particular circumstances these must take priority over intimacy.
The benefits of intimacy are not limited to intimate activities. Coming to an understanding of ourselves has a raft of benefits which flow into all parts of our lives. These benefits can only be enjoyed if we take the time to think through the implications of what we learn.
Learning to control ourselves gives us choices. While ever our responses and behaviour are simply reactions of our subconscious we are not fully responsive or responsible. Learning about our subconscious and it's responses and learning to mediate these consciously enables us to choose in ways which are otherwise denied to us.
We must learn to apply the things we discover to all of our lives; that takes time. It is just as important to take this time for ourselves as it ever was to be intimate.
Intimacy is not something I can do.
To have it we may allow it, but it does not come until our lover enters. I can wish for intimacy but I cannot deliver it for myself, except with myself. Being intimate with myself is important and desirable but it does not compare with the intimacy of my lover.
Ultimately this is my lover's gift to me.
It does not come through any effort of mine,
it comes by gift only, and then only
if I permit it.
These references have been very influential in moulding my thinking on this subject (in no particular order):
These references expound interesting ideas quoted above:
Original: April 2001
Edited: July 2002
This page is part of “Living in the Light”
found at: http://www.tassie.net.au/~phoban/
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