Character(s): Josh, Donna, Leo, Annabeth, Matt, Helen
Pairing(s): Josh/Donna
Category(s): Romance
Rating: TEEN
Summary: “finally he came to the conclusion that today he had turned into that which he had mocked… a gomer!”
Spoiler: all up to 7.13
Feedback: Yes Please.
Disclaimers: I own nothing – but merely play with it all. No copyright intended on characters or songs in this work. Big thanks to Caz my Beta – Batman and Robin have nothing on us! This will probably become AU as of Sunday March 19 2006, but we can all live in hope.
Chapter 1
Josh found her alone at the back of the hotel lounge bar with a drink of carnival proportions sitting in front of her.It had been an hour since Donna had excused herself from the table and had ‘forgotten’ her key – right in front of him. The best offer he had ever had had been pushed towards him and he’d hesitated a moment too long. He should remember to send something nice to Ronna and Edie… Hemlock sprang to mind.
He’d been an idiot, and worse than that he’d been a coward. He knew what room she was in; she’d made it more than perfectly clear that she wanted him to follow her… but he hadn’t. Instead he’d remained seated with the others watching her disappear from sight.
He’d paid little attention to what had been said after that; nodding occasionally, keeping up the pretense that he had any interest in what the others were talking about. In reality he was busily replaying the events of the day over in his mind… finally he came to the conclusion that today he had turned into that which he had mocked… a gomer!
What had happened? The day had started so damned well!
The news that morning… the amazing news that they had pulled even with Vinick nationally… he didn’t think that it could get any better than that!
Trust Donna to be the one to prove him wrong!
It had been impulse that had driven him at first. Little sleep and great news had caused him to do the first thing that came into his head as suddenly, after eight years, his brain had finally run out of reasons to think it was a bad idea, allowing his heart to take control of his senses and he had kissed her. He had kissed Donna. Really KISSED her… He could only guess at what a first smack high felt like, but in his mind…what drug could possibly compare to the high that came from kissing Donna? Yes he was addicted, and he had finally realized that his addiction was her. And to his utter amazement it hadn’t seemed be a one sided affair. She had very unmistakably kissed him back.
Of course, just when things were starting to get interesting, company had arrived. Given the way she had responded to him all bets were off as to where they might have ended up if the Congressman and posse hadn’t interrupted. The question now was – did he still have the chance to find out tonight?
But that morning, the moment had passed, they went back to work and he and Donna had just… moved on… His attempt at a conversation in the car had been an unmitigated disaster; he had stumbled over his tongue like a high school freshman. He didn’t know how or when to approach her. He was certain… well pretty certain…he thought… that she’d been an eager participant in those kisses – but – what if he was wrong? What if he had misjudged the situation? Had that morning just been another huge Josh Lyman shaped blunder?
And more importantly, how long had he waited for this opportunity? He could still remember how, on the day they’d met, Donna had looked up at him with determination filling her eyes and a stubborn tilt to her chin – and challenged him as to why a campaign for the presidency couldn’t be about new starts and self-discovery.
Josh had been stunned – and a little awed by her pretty ballsy response: after all, she’d just walked in and set herself up in his office! But as he had stood there, watching her answer his phone, Josh had suddenly realized that a big part of his life was going to involve Donnatella Moss.
At the time he was in no way prepared to admit it to himself that anything had happened other than he had hired an assistant. He was too focused on where the journey with the Governor was taking him – and so, like many other personal things, he’d buried that odd little feeling deep within himself. So deep in fact that it would take something pretty monumental to trigger it. From then on that feeling would surface at the strangest of moments to remind him of how much her being in his life had helped to shape him into the man he had become.
Donna had been there with him, for him, for the best part of eight years, celebrating with him in his moments of triumph – and shoring him up in his moments of failure.
He wasn’t sure he could identify the exact moment that he had fallen in love with her. And he certainly couldn’t work out why it had taken him so long to do anything about it. But that morning – was it really just that morning? – borne of a moment of excitement, when weeks of teeth grinding frustration had come to an end – he had finally allowed himself to let go and try to tell her how he had felt for so very long.
Then… he’d apologized for it! And then compounded it by tonight’s little farce. In her eyes, his actions must have looked like a flat out rejection. You schmuck!
The truth was… he was scared. That was why he had hesitated that moment too long. He wasn’t good at this. This wasn’t his thing.
He had spent so much of his life trying to battle the maelstrom of conflicting emotions that made up who he was as a person that when anyone started to get too close he did the only thing he knew how… he hid.
When Joanie died, Josh had learnt his first lesson on how painful love could be. Afterwards he had retreated into himself determined that he would never allow anyone or anything make him to feel that sort of pain again.
Love hurt. It always did. Josh didn’t have many friends. In his game you didn’t make that many. So he couldn’t understand why, after years of pushing them away, he had somehow managed to fall in love with so many people in his life, only to have any number of them betray that love in return. Joanie had gone away – his Dad, too, The President had concealed his MS; Leo; Joey; Amy; Toby... and yes, even Donna. Every single time he let himself get close to someone they hurt him just the same. So Josh had learned to love with a wary heart. It wasn’t that he was incapable of love – it was just that now he tried to avoid it, and when he couldn’t avoid it, he tried hard not to show it.
But love was not so willing to give up on Joshua Lyman apparently. And despite his best efforts, people still had come into his life and wormed her way… their way… into his heart.
Josh had been pretty careful to keep his relationships with women fairly casual. Sex had always been more about the physical than the emotional for him, and he kept it that way by conscious choice. Donna’s analysis of his dating style – ‘randomly bumping into women and hoping they broke up with him’ was terrifyingly accurate. Even before he asked a woman out on a date, Josh put up the protective walls around his heart. He was his own worst enemy – and he knew it. He had once told Amy that he had missed something, because he never learned what to do after you think you liked someone. He hadn’t been lying. He really didn’t know.
Throughout college and his earlier working life, Josh had made a deliberate effort to keep people at arm’s length. If they couldn’t get close to you, they couldn’t hurt you. That was why politics was so perfect for him. In politics – especially his brand of politics – it wasn’t a prerequisite to be a loving person. In fact having a little bit of the cold hearted bastard on your resume was usually a distinct advantage. An advantage that Josh had honed to a fine edge over the years.
And up until this morning everything had been fine. It was how he liked it. At some point in his life Josh had become the living manifestation of the old Simon and Garfunkel song ‘I am a rock, I am an Island.’ And a rock feels no pain, and an Island never cries.
And now he stood here, watching Donna take a long sip from her fluffy looking drink….
The very idea of letting someone into his heart terrified him. That sort of commitment would require them to know everything – would require him to give up everything that was inside him – Every doubt and fear. Every hurt and humiliation. Even every secret longing. It wasn’t something he was even sure he knew how to do.
But it was about time he found out.
Sucking in a deep breath Josh suddenly found himself rooted to the spot, fear clenching his insides with an icy hand. Move you stupid fool, move! You know where she stands. Go for it… nothing ventured and all that crap.
For what seemed an eternity, his body refused to obey his commands. Finally, Josh got his legs going again and he started walking towards Donna’s booth. This is good he thought – so why then did he suddenly feel like he was about to step out onto some very thin ice. Possibly because his history with women had been less than spectacular – and given that now he was walking towards possibly the most important discussion of his life… the potential for him to make an ass of himself in the next few moments was pretty high. But if he was willing to take the plunge for anyone – Josh knew it would be for her.
The room was lit like something out of a film noir. Down lights flooded the tables dotted around the edge of the room, leaving a wide parquet–tiled dance floor in the centre. At the west end of the room, just near the dance floor was a riser with a baby grand on it. The pianist tinkled out well loved classics, his fingers flying over the keys following the all too familiar patterns of notes. Semi circular booths lined the three remaining walls, each one illuminated by a single down light. And there, bathed in the soft white glow of the light was Donna. Leaning forward with both elbows on the table and her fisted hands propping up her head, she sipped her ‘Carmen Miranda-esque’ drink through a straw. Josh was reminded again of the naïve girl who’d commandeered his office all those years ago – and felt the corners of his lips curl into a grin at the image. Tucking his hands into his pockets Josh Lyman sauntered over to his former assistant.
“Hi” he said softly.
She glanced up at him, cool blue eyes meeting his own.
“Hi,” she said before looking back down at her drink, all but ignoring him.
“I went up to your room.”
“I wasn’t there.”
“So I noticed.” He tried to keep his voice light, but she refused to look at him and kept staring at her drink.
“Look, Donna, about earlier….” he started.
“It’s alright, Josh.” She cut him off holding up one perfectly manicured hand
“I just wanted to apologize...”
“You don’t have to.” Her eyes flicked to his face and back to her drink. “I told you not to worry about it. I understand if this is uncomfortable for you.”
Josh suddenly realized what Donna was referring to. He slid quickly into the booth next to her.
“Oh – God, Donna – No! No, no, no… no, you have it all wrong.”
He reached over and grabbed her hand, clasping it between his.
“I’m not trying to apologize for this morning.” She raised her head to meet his gaze.
“I don’t want to apologize for this morning ever again…” his voice trailed off. “I wish I hadn’t…” This time it was he who lowered his eyes.
“I’m apologizing for this evening… I was a fool… I wanted… to come after you…I should have come after you… I’m sorry.”
There. He had said it, and not just to himself. Josh kept his eyes firmly on the suede of the bench seat between them. He didn’t want to look up; he didn’t want to know what he would find in those wonderfully expressive eyes. He did notice however, that she hadn’t pulled her hand away from his. Could he allow himself a little hope? He tried not to squeeze too tightly as he waited apprehensively for her to respond.
All of a sudden he felt the lovingly soft caress of her fingers stroke down his right cheek and continue under his chin, gently raising it in the process. Ever so slowly his eyes followed where his face was being led. He saw the material of the black trousers and pale pink blouse she had changed into. His gaze registered the exquisitely elegant curve of her neck, the flawless shape of her jaw, those lips – so perfect and soft, he now knew - the porcelain complexion of her skin, glowing under the light – highlighting the little freckles across the bridge of her nose… he savored every little detail, until finally coming to rest on those eyes.
Those eyes… those eyes he’d found himself falling into when she looked at him a certain way – that he had been afraid to meet for more than a second or two in case she saw into him and realized exactly what he felt for her – those eyes that he now longed to see doing just that –looking into his heart. Swallowing hard, he looked deep into those blue eyes and found that they didn’t hold any of the distain, annoyance or any number of other emotions he was expecting to find. In those eyes, right now, he saw something more wonderful than he could ever have imagined. Hope. Loving, yearning, hope. She smiled, and the light in her eyes exploded with a joy unparalleled in nature.
His heart did a little flip-flop in his chest as he waited for her to speak.
“There, was that so hard to say?” she asked quietly, as she moved her free hand down to place it on top of his.
Josh felt as though a monumental weight had been suddenly flung from his shoulders, and he answered her smile with one of his own. Step one out of the way.