--Lance -- --Robert --

I've not reviewed all of the Lance films I have seen, only those that stuck in my mind. For the most part, most of the films Lance has done are pretty crappy, but Lance himself is always worth watching. It amazes me that such a brilliant actor could land so many roles in bad films.

Lance plays a bigshot horror-film producer (heh). His role wasn't huge, but he's funny to watch. GreyHairLance.

Lance is Abraham Lincoln. The physical similarity between the two is striking. An average film made worse by Rob Morrow's (Northern Exposure) cringeworthy performance. Still, at least I learnt a bit about American history.

Lance plays a swanky evil millionaire with ties to a Nazi past. Again, he's a scream to watch, overacts quite a bit and has the most hilarious blooper committed to film: "I've been 12 hours on a cigarette without a plane, so don't piss me off!" He then smiles, as if about to crack up...

Studly wealthy socialite Lance gets it on with pretty young girls and is then accused of their murder. He then hits on a criminal psychologist played by Joan Severance. Cringe. Quite a bad film and casting Lance as a sexy lead doesn't quite work. Somehow this film is just wrong. Of course if you're a LanceFan then this film is a must-see. Just watch Lance try to dance in a nightclub!

A brilliant series, went a bit haywire in the 3rd season though. Lance is superb as Frank Black. Probably the best role he's ever had. Rumours of a Millennium film have been around for a while now. I hope it happens.

Lance is a hitman on a mission. He is great in this film and has some funny lines. Lance pretending to be a tourist in sandals and shorts is a sight to behold! The scenes where he telephone's his wife (who doesn't know he's a hitman) are priceless!

Lance sports a fake beer gut. Not an excellent film, but entertaining nonetheless, and does draw you in to the whole "which one of them is the killer?" debate.

Supposedly the role that won Millennium for him. Rare role for Lance as a good guy police officer and he plays it well. Also starts Jeff Goldblum. Enjoyable film and worth renting.

I've seen this film about 3 times now and I still can't remeber what happens. Johnny Depp plays an accountant who arrives to a new job in a new town. He doesn't get the job and somehow ends up a wanted man. Lance plays one of the cowboys out to cash in on the bounty on Mr Depp's head. Lance also eats people. (or did I confuse him with one of the other cowboys?)

Lance as a cop out to clean up the streets and an evil gang boss/pimp played by Lou Diamond Phillips. Pretty crappy film, but Lance is good. I saw a preview for this on a Robert video and it just went on and on - they practically showed the whole movie. It only served to remind me how bad it was. Lance pees in the bad guys shoes though!

Stars Bruce Willis - nooooooooooo. Despite bad casting, Lance does a good job with his character, and ex-cop whose wife was murdered. Worth a look. Plot is a bit thin on the ground though and it just gets sillier as it goes along.

Oh my God! This film is hilarious! It's a James Bond kinda spoof thing except it's not meant to be funny. Lance plays an undercover agent ala 007. The title sequence featuring Lance with a jet pack strapped to his back is not to be missed! Oh, how I laughed...

This film is so bad it's good. Lance is a cyber-vampire and the whole thing is set in a futuristic desert. He laughs maniacally and dribbles a lot. 10 points to Lance for acting in a film as bad as this.

Fairly good thriller involving a genetically altered dog - created by Lance. The beast escapes and all hell breaks lose. Lance acts this one beautifully.

I've seen this one a few times now, and while Van Damme cracks me up all the time, it's actually a good action film. Lance is superb as the bad guy, and I just love the genade-down-pants-scene.

Lance is only in the film for about 2 minutes at the very end and he gets covered in slime.

Oh my God! This is the worst film I have ever seen - and not even Lance can save it! Lance is a gang boss in prohibition-era USA. He is terrible - he shouts and grunts for most of the film, for no apparent reason. There is no plot and the whole thing is just abysmal. The video was even hidden away in a staff-only back room because it is so bad! Watch this film so you too can see just how bad it is.

This film is well worth renting. It's an action-buddy film that's not sure if it's a full blown comedy or not. Lance plays Jackson Rivers, a retired cop who is tracked down by Martin Bishop (Anthony Edwards) to help find out who killed his partner. We first encounter Lance in swamp rat mode - he is a recluse living way out of town. He has pet alligators. His hair is long and unkempt, with croc teeth as hair beads, and a raccoon is attached to the back of his neck. Bishop convinces him to return to work, setting up an hilarious scene where the freshly haircutted Lance meets his old colleagues. The story moves along fairly swiftly, and it looks like Lance is a bit of a bad guy. He's not, and you get a nice plot twist at the end, but don't watch this for the story - watch it for Lance!

Lance does his best Southern accent much to the bewilderment of Bishop.
"Boy you're making my tits heavy"
"I can't understand a word you're saying"
"Well good!"

Other highlights include Lance getting his hook caught in a doorframe, dancing with the FatCop™, driving with the hook, and generally being very funny (with the hook). Oh, and I almost forgot the fashion, or lack of it. It's 80's gear everywhere, from coloured suits and skinny ties to earrings and mullets. Lance wears his pants up around his nipples, which elicits the response "Lance, you're old, but you're not that old" !

Very good thriller and Lance's role and performance are solid.

Lance returns as Bishop 2 - Bishop's creator. Not a huge role, and not as good as Aliens.

Costars a guy that looks like Dolph Lundgren - never a good sign. It's a pretty crappy bikie gang film, but once again, Lance is great as the leader of an outlaw bikie gang.

I thought I had surpressed any memory of this film, but no, I just had a flashback. God help me I will be having nightmares for weeks. Lance plays an army general or somethiing like that and doesn't have much screen time. The basic premise is this - Russian and American troops unite to stop a drug lord. The drug lord is played by a really ugly guy with long black hair and he cannot act at all. He is the worst actor I have ever seen. Terrible. The leader of the Russians is only slightly better. I cannot stress how bad this film is. Not even Lance can save it.

This film is so disjointed it barely makes any sense. But Lance gets his kit off for no apparent reason, and you'll laugh at him driving a jeep.

A classic b-grade horror film. It reminds me of some of Andy Warhol's films. It's cheesy, you'd never guess it was made in 1990 and Lance is hilarious as Torqemada, the grand inquisitor of the Spanish inquisition.

Another crappy horror film. The best bit is when Lance is serving up dinner to his family and some lettuce falls off the plate and he discreetly places it back on without flinching.

This film is great. It costars Mickey Rourke. Lance is brilliant, so is Mickey. An entertaining film. Lance gets about in leather pants and a singlet for much of the film.

Another really good film. Lance is the leader of a bunch of misfit kids who have to do wilderness training. Whilst out in the bush their team has a run in with another team of army kids. Enjoyable film, Lance is great.

Classic horror film. Not as good as I expected, but entertaining nonetheless. Lance does a good job as a father out for vengeance.

Yet another classic horror film with Lance. Lance is the leader of a bunch of traveling vampires. Lance is great. The film is great. Go rent it.

The film that Lance says was his favourite. Lance plays the android Bishop. He really does look synthetic in this film. Excellent film too.

Silly b-grade action flick with Lance as a lone rebel biker who inevitably saves the town from a gang of mad men. Lance rides around on bike, sports the tight pants/white singlet combo and bleached hair. Stupid film, but Lance rocks. Watch for Lance Leg Action - he slides along in the sand, spreads them much too far apart, and kicks people in the butt.

The scene with the 'town bike' riding on a tank is hilarious! Her hair is in terrible condition - if there was ever a case for not bleaching your hair, this lady would be the poster girl. It is so gross.

I was also disturbed by the manner in which the young girl greets Lance at the start of the film. Surely that's not legal? I mean, if I greeted my father's friends like that...

One final thought, why do marauding bikers wear fishnet shirts, eyeliner and Poison-like wigs?

"Don't touch me! Unless you love me."

Classic film. Lance's role isn't that big, but he acts it well. They should've had him back for the sequel and then we could have seen Lance and Robert in a film together!

Based on a true story. Lance plays Wally Schirra. It appears that most of his screen time ended up on the cutting room floor. I suspect that's because they wanted to focus on Dennis Quaid as the "star". Pity, because Lance acts very well in this film.

hee hee hee. Director James Cameron's first effort. This film is terrible, but Lance looks good zapping around on a boat as the town's police officer. The flying rubber fish are a highlight.

Perhaps the kookiest film Lance has ever been in. I didn't fully understand what was going on. Lance was scary. But not as scary as the Jesus-lookalike who appears at the end of the film.

Actually quite a good horror film. Lance is perfectly suited to scary-army-general-working- for -Satan type role.

Lance mainly hangs around in the background. Good film though.

Again Lance mainly hangs around in the background, but his screen time builds up and he has quite a spot at the end. Excellent film and Lance is pretty good too.

I found this at a video store sale (bargain!) recently. Lance features in the third episode on this tape. He plays the role of a parish priest who has a crisis of faith, then goes off driving across the desert with some Holy Water as company. He is tormented, run off the road and nearly killed by a big black truck. When the paramedics find him half dead on the roadside, they tell him there is no evidence of any other vehicle in the area. Was Lance hallucinating? Quite probably, what with all that Altar Wine he had stuffed in his suitcase.

An interesting look at the existence of God. Lance reasons that if Satan exists, so too must God, but if He does exist, why does He allow suffering? Thinking about this too long will do anyone's head in. I really enjoyed this (short) film and would recommend tracking it down.

As I've just started on Rob's back catalogue, I don't have that many reviews up yet. It appears that he has done a lot of good guy action films, and is often cast as the romantic lead (well, as romantic as action film sex scenes get). Robert is a very skilled actor and is genuinely convincing in some of his roles.

Rob is FBI Special Agent John Doggett called in to oversee the Search For Mulder. He is excellent in this role and I look forward to Season 9. Having seen Rob do the comedy thing I think Agent Doggett needs to lighten up a bit and crack a few jokes. Oh, and a few scenes of Doggett in jeans and a tight t-shirt would be nice as well.

I saw a few of these episodes with Rob. He played a friend of Tony's who was part of a betting circle. He always owed money and I'm pretty sure he gets what's coming to him.

Costars Rutger Hauer who's only good film was Blade Runner. The plot is crap, the film is crap, and Rob is pretty crap too. It's a airforce-action-film, which is in my opinion the worst type. Even worse than Vietnam-action-films. Engage brain to non-operational before viewing.

heh, Rob goes all Tombraider and searches for the Mysterious City of Gold. Weak plot, bad acting all round. The compensation? Rob sweating it out in the jungle. What annoyed me most in this film was the buxom blonde - she appeared in one scene, then another, and worked her way up to quite a role, but we were never introduced to her! She has no name! Looks like the editor chopped that bit out.

Rob is the leader of a renegade SWAT team out to see justice done. Not a terrible film, but not particularly good either. Rob's death scene was disappointing. "Bang" and he's dead :( I expected him to go down in a hail of bullets. For those of you who are partial to Agent Doggett's Kevlar outfit from The X Files, I urge you to rent this film - you will not be disappointed.

Rob is a white Supremacist. I didn't actually watch this film, just Rob's parts. He does a good accent and is quite convincing as a ScaryGuy.

Despite starring Sly Stallone, this is a great film. Saw it at the cinema and enjoyed. I've just seen it on video and was even more impressed the second time around. Rob plays a bad ass cop who hangs with other bad ass cops. They pretty much run their own town. Stallone is the local Sheriff who decides he can no longer turn a blind eye to the goings-on in Garrison, New Jersey. Rob is excellent in this film - he plays the bad guy so well it's scary. This film also has a great cast - De Niro, Keitel, Liotta, Janeane Garofalo, and Annabella Sciorra. I highly recommend this film not just to see Rob, but because it's got a plot, good character development, and requires you to have your brain on.

Rob goes undercover in a mental hospital to find out why his friend suicided. Along the way he discovers patients have gone missing, suspected murdered. Costars Malcom MacDowell (A Clockwork Orange) and that scary guy from The Burbs. Rob's acting is excellent and the film is not bad either. Well worth a look.

Man this was great! For all the wrong reasons of course. Rob is a psycho ex-bodyguard called back by his old boss to protect his daughter. Rob enlists the help of another psycho ex-bodyguard (the guy from RoboCop) and together they try to out-psycho one another! Well not quite, but they are hilarious. Rob standing on the bonnet of a bus driving head-on into the bad guys whilst wielding guns and screaming "come on you losers" is classic.

Rob is a James Bond type undercover agent. Terrible film, Rob shoots at baddies in the nude, so he must have some talent, but even that can't save the film.

Possible explanation: HK97 is directed by the same guy who did Knights and Spitfire. I rest my case.

Despite being a crappy action film, this one was actually very good. It was fast paced, had lots of explosions, and Rob rode around on a motorcycle shooting bad guys. Not sure about the white sneakers and puffy jacket though... I love the first few scenes of this film with Rob and two other FBI agents travelling to Mexico.

An average thriller in which Rob plays a paparazzi photographer who gets set up for the murder of a famous singer. Not a lot going for it. Rob has bleached hair and looks like Dawson from Dawson's Creek, not at all like the cover seen to the right.

I swear the hair & makeup guys said "Make him look like Gary Oldman in the Fifth Element" because Rob could pass off as his twin in this film. Stupid hair and beard only add to the novelty value. Not a bad film, but it is for kids. Also stars Alyssa Milano pre-implants. My partner begs to differ and insists she has them "in".

The big one. It was strange to be watching T2 again - a bit like watching T1 only to see Lance. You know the plot, you even know most of the dialogue, yet you discover so much more! Like even bigger plot holes... What can I say? Rob is sensational as the T-1000! He is so machine-like it's scary. I really loved some of the early scenes where Arnie is shooting at Rob in the hallway near the amusement arcade. Rob took quite a few slugs and his "take impact but keep walking" style was brilliant. He obviously has a very keen sense of balance and put a lot of effort into the physical portrayal of the T-1000.

Of particular interest to me were the running scenes. It's not a natural style by any means, and I suspect Rob was trying to be machine-like here as well - the movements are very stiff and forced, yet somehow fluid at the same time, and very nice to watch :)

Speaking of eye candy, I just loved the scene where Rob is walking out of the truck wreck/fire and he's got on those tight motorcycle-cop pants and knee high boots... Other noteworthy eye-candy included the boyish smile at the home of John Conner. Awww, he looked so young and innocent.

Overall, there was less of Rob than I was expecting, and he really doesn't say much or do much except act like an intense machine and do a few stunts. I was a bit disappointed I guess, but I think I've worked out the secret to Rob's intensity : tilt your head down slightly, keep your eyes up and do not blink - ever. I think that kind of attention to detail is what helps RP stand out from his peers.

Another bad action film, this time set in Vietnam. Rob has got to free some mates from a Russian base. He escaped once, but he's gonna go back and finish it off. Somewhat confusing storyline, but you do get Rob-on-motorbike action to compensate.

Currently halfway through this one. Rob is some kind of ex-Mafia type. Very sleazy and very funny. Unfortunately, costars Portia de Rossi. I'm wishing now that I had just left it half way and let it go. The second half of the film was worse than the first. Rob cops a bullet in the leg at the end of the film. And he wears brown pants and white slimeball shoes.

Based on a true story about a young man who is abducted by aliens while his friends look on. The towns people don't believe them and they are accused of murder. I didn't recognise Rob at first and when I did I pissed myself laughing - he looks hilarious. Features the infamous double-check outfit. Rob's acting is very good, and the film isn't too bad either. The alien spaceship scenes are wonderful - different from the usual alien type stuff, but a bit violent for my liking. The film's ending was a bit weak.

I had been warned that this was a bad film, and rightly so. It's just plain crap. Demi Moore is even crappier. Rob on the other hand was the film's saving grace. He plays Demi Moore's white trash husband, who has custody of their daughter. He earns a living by stealing wheelchairs! Watch for the staggering around the boat scene - it's priceless. This film is more proof that Rob is an excellent comedy actor.

Well the cover looks promising doesn't it? When a film openly promotes itself as an "erotic thriller" you know you're in trouble...and there is no turning back. Rob is a Hollywood writer who seduces the woman who lives next door (Terri Hatcher) who is surprise, surprise, a wannabe actress. Because Rob is such a useless writer, the only thing he can think to write about is his relationship with the actress next door. So you get a lot of hot sweaty sex scenes that turn out to be nothing more than Rob's overactive imagination. What a cunning way to add gratuitous nudity to a film. I must remember that for my first screenplay. The first half of the film bored me to tears. It only became interesting (and I use the term rather loosely) when Rob starts yelling and smashing things. Oh I geddit now. He's not mentally stable... I won't spoil the ending for anyone, but I will say that I saw it coming before I even put the tape into the video, so you can all probably guess what happens. The film features a running motif of wolves and howling (not by Rob sadly, that might have spiced it up a bit). I think it's trying to allude to the evil within us all - what lies beneath the 'cool surface'. An exceptionally disappointing film all round. Features Rob with the dorkiest hair and glasses combo even seen. I'm taking a point of Rob's tally for this too dammit.

Zzzzzzzzz.......... I fell asleep waiting for Rob to appear. When he did it was definitely worth the wait - he's sunbathing by a pool and smokin' ;) Rob is fairly boring in this film though. It's your standard "Midday Movie" about lost love / lack of commitment. The editors have employed the 'fade to black' at the end of each scene, so every 10 minutes I was hoping it would be the end of the film. But it never was. It dragged on and on and on and then it was 10 years later and it kept going on and on and nothing was happening and then it was 6 years later and Rob hadn't aged a bit, neither had anyone else except for the grey hair dye, and yet it kept going on and on, a bit like this review. In short, it lacked substance and direction. Don't bother wasting your time with this one. The Only Thrill was when the credits rolled on. "Thank God, it's over !"

The story: Earth has been at war with alien races for years, it's now 20-something (i.e. in the future). Rob is a fighter pilot who is captured by aliens. He is thrown into a Styrofoam cell with another prisoner - Bree, who is being experimented on by the aliens. Rob is very macho and spends his day cutting through the Styrofoam bars hoping to escape... The story is rather weak, as is the acting - including Rob. Rob appears in an purple jumpsuit with lots of Velcro straps. Ooh, CyberRob! All he needs is a proper pair of boots and a dye job and I'll take him clubbing! The jumpsuit doesn't really flatter his figure, so it was a relief to see him take it off. Underneath he has on another jumpsuit but this time it's grey and very clingy... like a full body long-john... It is as ugly as sin, but shall we just say, it highlights ALL of his physique ;) Worth watching if only to see Rob climbing up Styrofoam walls in the aforementioned grey underwear... oh, and eating a live slug.

Rob says about 4 words and is on screen for a total of about 3 minutes, during which time he practices some T-1000 intensity and two-handed gun shooting. Thankfully his scene is early on in the film so I didn't have to watch it all. Don't ask me about the rest of the film because once Rob died I refused to watch any more. Only for the ObsessedRobFan who really wants to see all his films.

Alrightee. We have two "goddammit's", two "fuck's", one "shit", throwing over a table *and* a tight t-shirt and shorts combo all in the first 60 seconds in a film about alien invasion. Phew. Could it get any better? Well yes it does. He then stabs a pencil through a poor teacher's hand! Rob is the coach of the school football team and he is the first staff member to be taken over by aliens. Naturally, he becomes EvilCoach, but he adds such a comic touch to the role it's impossible not to enjoy it. His facial expressions are fantastic and had me rolling on the floor laughing! Rob is so good at this type of role. I have to say I enjoyed the film as well, it wasn't as bad as I would have expected for a 90's-teen-horror-comedy-thriller. Rob has a fairly large role, so I would definitely recommend this film.

Warning! This film may result in dehydration caused by excessive drooling...

A bunch of thugs put together Blues Brothers style by Rob go to Texas to rob a bank. On the way one of them gets bitten by a vampire bat and before you know it, he's turned his mates into bloodthirsty vampires as well. Rob manages to avoid being bitten, but gets arrested by the cops instead during an excessively drawn out and over the top battle scene.

Rob makes a cameo appearance as the T-1000. Blink and you will indeed miss him. He walks past Arnie as he's coming out of the police station/studio. You get a very brief close up of Rob with his best intense face on. As for the film, I don't know - I watched it on fast forward and it looked pretty bad. File this one together wth Die Hard 2 under ObssessedRobFans only.

Rob has a small role in this film as the redneck ex-Marine husband of the leading lady (a blonde who works as a stripper). She falls for high-profile lawyer Tom Berenger (ewwww. gross). Rob gets a bit peeved that she's having an affair with such an ugly man so he attempts to blackmail him. It doesn't go according to Rob's plan and he dies. Sorry to spoil it for you all but how else could I explain why I didn't watch all of the film? :)

The film itself is pretty bad, and Rob is the only thing worth watching. He gets to ride a Harley but we don't get any close-ups dammit!

Robert voices the charcter of Race Bannon, the red-headed girl's father. (I didn't catch her name - I was too busy laughing). It's just too funny when he speaks - it's really weird hearing Rob's voice but not seeing his face. There's not much of a physical similarity between Rob and Race other than the fact that Race's got a blond flat top!

I've seen the episdoes 'Assault on Questworld' and 'Ndovu's Last Journey". It's not a terrible kids cartoon, but give me The Mysterious Cities of Gold anyday.

Rob looks rather fine at the start of this film, but it all goes downhill once he starts drawing on his face with an Artline pen and wearing a Tarzan style nappy. And why would he do that? Becuase he's been possessed by the spirit of a Totec Indian he killed - in self defence - 6 years earlier. So, Rob gets to kill a few people and chow down on their flesh. mmmm, fleshhh... and thanks to the nappy, we get to see a fair bit of Rob's flesh too... This film wasn't too bad, it was watchable, but sadly, a little predictable. Rob, when not in Tarzan mode, is actually really good. He goes for a lot of subtle facial expressions that convey so much more than the dialogue could ever hope to.

For the eagle eyed / bored viewers - watch out for all the spots on Rob where the fake tanning lotion didn't take!

Ok, so it's a kids film and it's got Antonio Banderas. I was fully expecting to be bored shitless for 95% of the film. Can you imagine my surprise when I realised I was actually enjoying it? Spy Kids is a fun, fast paced, brightly coloured adventure. I didn't think it was possible to make a film without sex, drugs and violence, but you can! And it can still be good!

Anyway, Rob's in the film for about 10 minutes, which is about 80 minutes too short, in my opinion. He plays an evil businessman who's out to take over the world. Thus, he gets to wear exceptionally snazzy suits and look damn fine. His role reminded me of "Coach Willis" in The Faculty - there's that same comedic touch which is just a hoot to watch! He does share a scene with Terri Hatcher (playing a double agent) and I couldn't help but wonder what was going through each other's minds...

I was annoyed by the McProductPlacement, the heavy moralising at the end and the Willy Wonka similarites, but If you've got kids, or just want to watch some fun without adult concepts, go see Spy Kids (or rent it).