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Reviews of Lance Films

I've not reviewed all of the Lance films I have seen, only those that stuck in my mind. For the most part, most of the films Lance has done are pretty crappy, but Lance himself is always worth watching. It amazes me that such a brilliant actor could land so many roles in bad films.

 

Scream 3

Lance plays a bigshot horror-film producer (heh). His role wasn't huge, but he's funny to watch. GreyHairLance.

The Day Lincoln Was Shot

Lance is Abraham Lincoln. The physical similarity between the two is striking. An average film made worse by Rob Morrow's (Northern Exposure) cringeworthy performance. Still, at least I learnt a bit about American history.

No Contest II

Lance plays a swanky evil millionaire with ties to a Nazi past. Again, he's a scream to watch, overacts quite a bit and has the most hilarious blooper committed to film: "I've been 17 hours on a cigarette without a plane, so don't piss me off!" He then smiles, as if about to crack up...

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Profile for Murder

Studly wealthy socialite Lance gets it on with pretty young girls and is then accused of their murder. He then hits on a criminal psychologist played by Joan Severance. Cringe. Quite a bad film and casting Lance as a sexy lead doesn't quite work. Somehow this film is just wrong. Of course if you're a LanceFan then this film is a must-see. Just watch Lance try to dance in a nightclub!

 

Millennium (TV Series)

A brilliant series, went a bit haywire in the 3rd season though. Lance is superb as Frank Black. Probably the best role he's ever had. Rumours of a Millennium film have been around for a while now. I hope it happens.

 

Baja

Lance is a hitman on a mission. He is great in this film and has some funny lines. Lance pretending to be a tourist in sandals and shorts is a sight to behold! The scenes where he telephone's his wife (who doesn't know he's a hitman) are priceless!

Nature of the Beast

Lance sports a fake beer gut. Not an excellent film, but entertaining nonetheless, and does draw you in to the whole "which one of them is the killer?" debate.

Powder

Supposedly the role that won Millennium for him. Rare role for Lance as a good guy police officer and he plays it well. Also starts Jeff Goldblum. Enjoyable film and worth renting.

Dead Man

I've seen this film about 3 times now and I still can't remember what happens. Johnny Depp plays an accountant who arrives to a new job in a new town. He doesn't get the job and somehow ends up a wanted man. Lance plays one of the cowboys out to cash in on the bounty on Mr Depp's head. Lance also eats people. (or did I confuse him with one of the other cowboys?)

Boulevard

Lance as a cop out to clean up the streets and an evil gang boss/pimp played by Lou Diamond Phillips. Pretty crappy film, but Lance is good. I saw a preview for this on a Robert video and it just went on and on - they practically showed the whole movie. It only served to remind me how bad it was. Lance pees in the bad guys shoes though!

Color of Night

Stars Bruce Willis - nooooooooooo. Despite bad casting, Lance does a good job with his character, and ex-cop whose wife was murdered. Worth a look. Plot is a bit thin on the ground though and it just gets sillier as it goes along.

Spitfire

Oh my God! This film is hilarious! It's a James Bond kinda spoof thing except it's not meant to be funny. Lance plays an undercover agent ala 007. The title sequence featuring Lance with a jet pack strapped to his back is not to be missed! Oh, how I laughed...

Knights

This film is so bad it's good. Lance is a cyber-vampire and the whole thing is set in a futuristic desert. He laughs maniacally and dribbles a lot. 10 points to Lance for acting in a film as bad as this.

An interesting side note : I came across the film's heroine (Kathy Long) commentating at an 'Ultimate Fighting Championship'. She is apparently a world champion kick boxer or something. Neat eh?

Man's Best Friend

Fairly good thriller involving a genetically altered dog - created by Lance. The beast escapes and all hell breaks lose. Lance acts this one beautifully.

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Hard Target

I've seen this one a few times now, and while Van Damme cracks me up all the time, it's actually a good action film. Lance is superb as the bad guy, and I just love the genade-down-pants-scene.

Super Mario Bros

Lance is only in the film for about 2 minutes at the very end and he gets covered in slime.

The Outfit

Oh my God! This is the worst film I have ever seen - and not even Lance can save it! Lance is a gang boss in prohibition-era USA. He is terrible - he shouts and grunts for most of the film, for no apparent reason. There is no plot and the whole thing is just abysmal. The video was even hidden away in a staff-only back room because it is so bad! Watch this film so you too can see just how bad it is.

Delta Heat

This film is well worth renting. It's an action-buddy film that's not sure if it's a full blown comedy or not. Lance plays Jackson Rivers, a retired cop who is tracked down by Martin Bishop (Anthony Edwards) to help find out who killed his partner. We first encounter Lance in swamp rat mode - he is a recluse living way out of town. He has pet alligators. His hair is long and unkempt, with croc teeth as hair beads, and a raccoon is attached to the back of his neck. Bishop convinces him to return to work, setting up an hilarious scene where the freshly haircutted Lance meets his old colleagues. The story moves along fairly swiftly, and it looks like Lance is a bit of a bad guy. He's not, and you get a nice plot twist at the end, but don't watch this for the story - watch it for Lance!

Lance does his best Southern accent much to the bewilderment of Bishop.
"Boy you're making my tits heavy"
"I can't understand a word you're saying"
"Well good!"

Other highlights include Lance getting his hook caught in a doorframe, dancing with the FatCop™, driving with the hook, and generally being very funny (with the hook). Oh, and I almost forgot the fashion, or lack of it. It's 80's gear everywhere, from coloured suits and skinny ties to earrings and mullets. Lance wears his pants up around his nipples, which elicits the response "Lance, you're old, but you're not that old" !

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Jennifer Eight

Very good thriller and Lance's role and performance are solid.

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Alien³

Lance returns as Bishop 2 - Bishop's creator. Not a huge role, and not as good as Aliens.

 

Stone Cold

Costars a guy that looks like Dolph Lundgren - never a good sign. It's a pretty crappy bikie gang film, but once again, Lance is great as the leader of an outlaw bikie gang.

Comrades in Arms

I thought I had suppressed any memory of this film, but no, I just had a flashback. God help me I will be having nightmares for weeks. Lance plays an army general or something like that and doesn't have much screen time. The basic premise is this - Russian and American troops unite to stop a drug lord. The drug lord is played by a really ugly guy with long black hair and he cannot act at all. He is the worst actor I have ever seen. Terrible. The leader of the Russians is only slightly better. I cannot stress how bad this film is. Not even Lance can save it.

The Last Samurai

This film is so disjointed it barely makes any sense. But Lance gets his kit off for no apparent reason, and you'll laugh at him driving a jeep.

I tried watching this film again recently and I just could not understand *any* of it! However, I did die laughing when Lance pulls up next the the samurai dude and the whole jeep slides a few metres down the hill!

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The Pit and the Pendulum

A classic b-grade horror film. It reminds me of some of Andy Warhol's films. It's cheesy, you'd never guess it was made in 1990 and Lance is hilarious as Torqemada, the grand inquisitor of the Spanish inquisition.

The Horror Show AKA House 3

Another crappy horror film. The best bit is when Lance is serving up dinner to his family and some lettuce falls off the plate and he discreetly places it back on without flinching.

Johnny Handsome

This film is great. It costars Mickey Rourke. Lance is brilliant, so is Mickey. An entertaining film. Lance gets about in leather pants and a singlet for much of the film.

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Survival Quest

Another really good film. Lance is the leader of a bunch of misfit kids who have to do wilderness training. Whilst out in the bush their team has a run in with another team of army kids. Enjoyable film, Lance is great.

Pumpkinhead

Classic horror film. Not as good as I expected, but entertaining nonetheless. Lance does a good job as a father out for vengeance.

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Near Dark

Yet another classic horror film with Lance. Lance is the leader of a bunch of traveling vampires. Lance is great. The film is great. Go rent it.

Aliens

The film that Lance says was his favourite. Lance plays the android Bishop. He really does look synthetic in this film. Excellent film too.

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Savage Dawn

Silly b-grade action flick with Lance as a lone rebel biker who inevitably saves the town from a gang of mad men. Lance rides around on bike, sports the tight pants/white singlet combo and bleached hair. Stupid film, but Lance rocks. Watch for Lance Leg Action - he slides along in the sand, spreads them much too far apart, and kicks people in the butt.

The scene with the 'town bike' riding on a tank is hilarious! Her hair is in terrible condition - if there was ever a case for not bleaching your hair, this lady would be the poster girl. It is so gross.

I was also disturbed by the manner in which the young girl greets Lance at the start of the film. Surely that's not legal? I mean, if I greeted my father's friends like that...

One final thought, why do marauding bikers wear fishnet shirts, eyeliner and Poison-like wigs?

"Don't touch me! Unless you love me."

The Terminator

Classic film. Lance's role isn't that big, but he acts it well. They should've had him back for the sequel and then we could have seen Lance and Robert in a film together!

Buy The Terminator on DVD now

The Right Stuff

Based on a true story. Lance plays Wally Schirra. It appears that most of his screen time ended up on the cutting room floor. I suspect that's because they wanted to focus on Dennis Quaid as the "star". Pity, because Lance acts very well in this film.

Buy The Right Stuff on dvd

Piranha II: The Spawning

hee hee hee. Director James Cameron's first effort. This film is terrible, but Lance looks good zapping around on a boat as the town's police officer. The flying rubber fish are a highlight.

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The Visitor

Perhaps the kookiest film Lance has ever been in. I didn't fully understand what was going on. Lance was scary. But not as scary as the Jesus-lookalike who appears at the end of the film.

Damien: Omen II

Actually quite a good horror film. Lance is perfectly suited to scary-army-general-working- for -Satan type role.

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Close Encounters of the Third Kind

Lance mainly hangs around in the background. Good film though.

Dog Day Afternoon

Again Lance mainly hangs around in the background, but his screen time builds up and he has quite a spot at the end. Excellent film and Lance is pretty good too.

Nightmares : The Bendiction

I found this at a video store sale (bargain!) recently. Lance features in the third episode on this tape. He plays the role of a parish priest who has a crisis of faith, then goes off driving across the desert with some Holy Water as company. He is tormented, run off the road and nearly killed by a big black truck. When the paramedics find him half dead on the roadside, they tell him there is no evidence of any other vehicle in the area. Was Lance hallucinating? Quite probably, what with all that Altar Wine he had stuffed in his suitcase.

An interesting look at the existence of God. Lance reasons that if Satan exists, so too must God, but if He does exist, why does He allow suffering? Thinking about this too long will do anyone's head in. I really enjoyed this (short) film and would recommend tracking it down.

 

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