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Reviews of Robert Films

As I've just started on Rob's back catalogue, I don't have that many reviews up yet. It appears that he has done a lot of good guy action films, and is often cast as the romantic lead (well, as romantic as action film sex scenes get). Robert is a very skilled actor and is genuinely convincing in some of his roles.

 

The X Files (TV Series)

Rob is FBI Special Agent John Doggett called in to oversee the Search For Mulder. He is excellent in this role and I look forward to Season 9. Having seen Rob do the comedy thing I think Agent Doggett needs to lighten up a bit and crack a few jokes. Oh, and a few scenes of Doggett in jeans and a tight t-shirt would be nice as well.

Season 9 has started screening in the US and by all accounts we're going to be in for a treat....

The Sopranos (TV Series)

I saw a few of these episodes with Rob. He played a friend of Tony's who was part of a betting circle. He always owed money and I'm pretty sure he gets what's coming to him.

Tactical Assault

Costars Rutger Hauer who's only good film was Blade Runner. The plot is crap, the film is crap, and Rob is pretty crap too. It's a airforce-action-film, which is in my opinion the worst type. Even worse than Vietnam-action-films. Engage brain to non-operational before viewing.

The Vivero Letter AKA The Forgotten City

heh, Rob goes all Tombraider and searches for the Mysterious City of Gold. Weak plot, bad acting all round. The compensation? Rob sweating it out in the jungle. What annoyed me most in this film was the buxom blonde - she appeared in one scene, then another, and worked her way up to quite a role, but we were never introduced to her! She has no name! Looks like the editor chopped that bit out.

Renegade Force

Rob is the leader of a renegade SWAT team out to see justice done. Not a terrible film, but not particularly good either. Rob's death scene was disappointing. "Bang" and he's dead :( I expected him to go down in a hail of bullets. For those of you who are partial to Agent Doggett's Kevlar outfit from The X Files, I urge you to rent this film - you will not be disappointed.

Ambushed

Rob is a white Supremacist. I didn't actually watch this film, just Rob's parts. He does a good accent and is quite convincing as a ScaryGuy.

Cop Land

Despite starring Sly Stallone, this is a great film. Saw it at the cinema and enjoyed. I've just seen it on video and was even more impressed the second time around. Rob plays a bad ass cop who hangs with other bad ass cops. They pretty much run their own town. Stallone is the local Sheriff who decides he can no longer turn a blind eye to the goings-on in Garrison, New Jersey. Rob is excellent in this film - he plays the bad guy so well it's scary. This film also has a great cast - De Niro, Keitel, Liotta, Janeane Garofalo, and Annabella Sciorra. I highly recommend this film not just to see Rob, but because it's got a plot, good character development, and requires you to have your brain on.

Asylum

Rob goes undercover in a mental hospital to find out why his friend suicided. Along the way he discovers patients have gone missing, suspected murdered. Costars Malcom MacDowell (A Clockwork Orange) and that scary guy from The Burbs. Rob's acting is excellent and the film is not bad either. Well worth a look.

Decoy

Man this was great! For all the wrong reasons of course. Rob is a psycho ex-bodyguard called back by his old boss to protect his daughter. Rob enlists the help of another psycho ex-bodyguard (the guy from RoboCop) and together they try to out-psycho one another! Well not quite, but they are hilarious. Rob standing on the bonnet of a bus driving head-on into the bad guys whilst wielding guns and screaming "come on you losers" is classic.

 

Hong Kong 97

Rob is a James Bond type undercover agent. Terrible film, Rob shoots at baddies in the nude, so he must have some talent, but even that can't save the film.

Possible explanation: HK97 is directed by the same guy who did Knights and Spitfire. I rest my case.

Zero Tolerance

Despite being a crappy action film, this one was actually very good. It was fast paced, had lots of explosions, and Rob rode around on a motorcycle shooting bad guys. Not sure about the white sneakers and puffy jacket though... I love the first few scenes of this film with Rob and two other FBI agents travelling to Mexico.

Body Shot

An average thriller in which Rob plays a paparazzi photographer who gets set up for the murder of a famous singer. Not a lot going for it. Rob has bleached hair and looks like Dawson from Dawson's Creek, not at all like the cover seen to the right.

Double Dragon

I swear the hair & makeup guys said "Make him look like Gary Oldman in the Fifth Element" because Rob could pass off as his twin in this film. Stupid hair and beard only add to the novelty value. Not a bad film, but it is for kids. Also stars Alyssa Milano pre-implants. My partner begs to differ and insists she has them "in".

Terminator 2: Judgment Day

The big one. It was strange to be watching T2 again - a bit like watching T1 only to see Lance. You know the plot, you even know most of the dialogue, yet you discover so much more! Like even bigger plot holes... What can I say? Rob is sensational as the T-1000! He is so machine-like it's scary. I really loved some of the early scenes where Arnie is shooting at Rob in the hallway near the amusement arcade. Rob took quite a few slugs and his "take impact but keep walking" style was brilliant. He obviously has a very keen sense of balance and put a lot of effort into the physical portrayal of the T-1000.

Of particular interest to me were the running scenes. It's not a natural style by any means, and I suspect Rob was trying to be machine-like here as well - the movements are very stiff and forced, yet somehow fluid at the same time, and very nice to watch :)

Speaking of eye candy, I just loved the scene where Rob is walking out of the truck wreck/fire and he's got on those tight motorcycle-cop pants and knee high boots... Other noteworthy eye-candy included the boyish smile at the home of John Conner. Awww, he looked so young and innocent.

Overall, there was less of Rob than I was expecting, and he really doesn't say much or do much except act like an intense machine and do a few stunts. I was a bit disappointed I guess, but I think I've worked out the secret to Rob's intensity : tilt your head down slightly, keep your eyes up and do not blink - ever. I think that kind of attention to detail is what helps RP stand out from his peers.

 

Killer Instinct AKA Behind Enemy Lines

Another bad action film, this time set in Vietnam. Rob has got to free some mates from a Russian base. He escaped once, but he's gonna go back and finish it off. Somewhat confusing storyline, but you do get Rob-on-motorbike action to compensate.

A Breed Apart aka Perfect Assasins

Currently halfway through this one. Rob is some kind of ex-Mafia type. Very sleazy and very funny. Unfortunately, costars Portia de Rossi. I'm wishing now that I had just left it half way and let it go. The second half of the film was worse than the first. Rob cops a bullet in the leg at the end of the film. And he wears brown pants and white slimeball shoes.

 

Fire In The Sky

Based on a true story about a young man who is abducted by aliens while his friends look on. The towns people don't believe them and they are accused of murder. I didn't recognise Rob at first and when I did I pissed myself laughing - he looks hilarious. Features the infamous double-check outfit. Rob's acting is very good, and the film isn't too bad either. The alien spaceship scenes are wonderful - different from the usual alien type stuff, but a bit violent for my liking. The film's ending was a bit weak.

Striptease

I had been warned that this was a bad film, and rightly so. It's just plain crap. Demi Moore is even crappier. Rob on the other hand was the film's saving grace. He plays Demi Moore's white trash husband, who has custody of their daughter. He earns a living by stealing wheelchairs! Watch for the staggering around the boat scene - it's priceless. This film is more proof that Rob is an excellent comedy actor.

The Cool Surface

Well the cover looks promising doesn't it? When a film openly promotes itself as an "erotic thriller" you know you're in trouble...and there is no turning back. Rob is a Hollywood writer who seduces the woman who lives next door (Terri Hatcher) who is surprise, surprise, a wannabe actress. Because Rob is such a useless writer, the only thing he can think to write about is his relationship with the actress next door. So you get a lot of hot sweaty sex scenes that turn out to be nothing more than Rob's overactive imagination. What a cunning way to add gratuitous nudity to a film. I must remember that for my first screenplay. The first half of the film bored me to tears. It only became interesting (and I use the term rather loosely) when Rob starts yelling and smashing things. Oh I geddit now. He's not mentally stable... I won't spoil the ending for anyone, but I will say that I saw it coming before I even put the tape into the video, so you can all probably guess what happens. The film features a running motif of wolves and howling (not by Rob sadly, that might have spiced it up a bit). I think it's trying to allude to the evil within us all - what lies beneath the 'cool surface'. An exceptionally disappointing film all round. Features Rob with the dorkiest hair and glasses combo even seen. I'm taking a point of Rob's tally for this too dammit.

 

The Only Thrill

Zzzzzzzzz.......... I fell asleep waiting for Rob to appear. When he did it was definitely worth the wait - he's sunbathing by a pool and smokin' ;) Rob is fairly boring in this film though. It's your standard "Midday Movie" about lost love / lack of commitment. The editors have employed the 'fade to black' at the end of each scene, so every 10 minutes I was hoping it would be the end of the film. But it never was. It dragged on and on and on and then it was 10 years later and it kept going on and on and nothing was happening and then it was 6 years later and Rob hadn't aged a bit, neither had anyone else except for the grey hair dye, and yet it kept going on and on, a bit like this review. In short, it lacked substance and direction. Don't bother wasting your time with this one. The Only Thrill was when the credits rolled on. "Thank God, it's over !"

 

The Outer Limits : episode "The Quality of Mercy"

The story: Earth has been at war with alien races for years, it's now 20-something (i.e. in the future). Rob is a fighter pilot who is captured by aliens. He is thrown into a Styrofoam cell with another prisoner - Bree, who is being experimented on by the aliens. Rob is very macho and spends his day cutting through the Styrofoam bars hoping to escape... The story is rather weak, as is the acting - including Rob. Rob appears in an purple jumpsuit with lots of Velcro straps. Ooh, CyberRob! All he needs is a proper pair of boots and a dye job and I'll take him clubbing! The jumpsuit doesn't really flatter his figure, so it was a relief to see him take it off. Underneath he has on another jumpsuit but this time it's grey and very clingy... like a full body long-john... It is as ugly as sin, but shall we just say, it highlights ALL of his physique ;) Worth watching if only to see Rob climbing up Styrofoam walls in the aforementioned grey underwear... oh, and eating a live slug.

 

Die Hard 2: Die Harder

Rob says about 4 words and is on screen for a total of about 3 minutes, during which time he practices some T-1000 intensity and two-handed gun shooting. Thankfully his scene is early on in the film so I didn't have to watch it all. Don't ask me about the rest of the film because once Rob died I refused to watch any more. Only for the ObsessedRobFan who really wants to see all his films.

 

The Faculty

Alrightee. We have two "goddammit's", two "fuck's", one "shit", throwing over a table *and* a tight t-shirt and shorts combo all in the first 60 seconds in a film about alien invasion. Phew. Could it get any better? Well yes it does. He then stabs a pencil through a poor teacher's hand! Rob is the coach of the school football team and he is the first staff member to be taken over by aliens. Naturally, he becomes EvilCoach, but he adds such a comic touch to the role it's impossible not to enjoy it. His facial expressions are fantastic and had me rolling on the floor laughing! Rob is so good at this type of role. I have to say I enjoyed the film as well, it wasn't as bad as I would have expected for a 90's-teen-horror-comedy-thriller. Rob has a fairly large role, so I would definitely recommend this film.

 

From Dusk Till Dawn 2 : Texas Blood Money

Warning! This film may result in dehydration caused by excessive drooling...

A bunch of thugs put together Blues Brothers style by Rob go to Texas to rob a bank. On the way one of them gets bitten by a vampire bat and before you know it, he's turned his mates into bloodthirsty vampires as well. Rob manages to avoid being bitten, but gets arrested by the cops instead during an excessively drawn out and over the top battle scene.

I'm sure if I sat down with my Film Studies 101 book I'd be able to give a convincing argument for the quality of the filmmaking - it has interesting camera work (lots of point-of-view shots) and slick editing which contribute to and reinforce the film's themes, however, the story is nothing special and the plot holes leave a lot to be desired. The eclipse still baffles me.

But that's not why you should rent this film. Rob is the lead character and he has never looked better (IMHO). It's a pretty funny film so just sit back and enjoy. Highlights include the dog-on-steriods scene ("You're pumping steroids into a pooch? Jesus, that's immoral") and the motel-porno scene ("I watch fuck movies for the fucking").

 

Last Action Hero

Rob makes a cameo appearance as the T-1000. Blink and you will indeed miss him. He walks past Arnie as he's coming out of the police station/studio. You get a very brief close up of Rob with his best intense face on. As for the film, I don't know - I watched it on fast forward and it looked pretty bad. File this one together wth Die Hard 2 under ObssessedRobFans only.

 

Body Language

Rob has a small role in this film as the redneck ex-Marine husband of the leading lady (a blonde who works as a stripper). She falls for high-profile lawyer Tom Berenger (ewwww. gross). Rob gets a bit peeved that she's having an affair with such an ugly man so he attempts to blackmail him. It doesn't go according to Rob's plan and he dies. Sorry to spoil it for you all but how else could I explain why I didn't watch all of the film? :)

The film itself is pretty bad, and Rob is the only thing worth watching. He gets to ride a Harley but we don't get any close-ups dammit!

 

The Real Adventures of Jonny Quest (animated)

Robert voices the charcter of Race Bannon, the red-headed girl's father. (I didn't catch her name - I was too busy laughing). It's just too funny when he speaks - it's really weird hearing Rob's voice but not seeing his face. There's not much of a physical similarity between Rob and Race other than the fact that Race's got a blond flat top!

I've seen the episdoes 'Assault on Questworld' and 'Ndovu's Last Journey". It's not a terrible kids cartoon, but give me The Mysterious Cities of Gold anyday.

 

Last Gasp

Rob looks rather fine at the start of this film, but it all goes downhill once he starts drawing on his face with an Artline pen and wearing a Tarzan style nappy. And why would he do that? Because he's been possessed by the spirit of a Totec Indian he killed - in self defence - 6 years earlier. So, Rob gets to kill a few people and chow down on their flesh. mmmm, fleshhh... and thanks to the nappy, we get to see a fair bit of Rob's flesh too... This film wasn't too bad, it was watchable, but sadly, a little predictable. Rob, when not in Tarzan mode, is actually really good. He goes for a lot of subtle facial expressions that convey so much more than the dialogue could ever hope to.

For the eagle eyed / bored viewers - watch out for all the spots on Rob where the fake tanning lotion didn't take!

 

Spy Kids

Ok, so it's a kids film and it's got Antonio Banderas. I was fully expecting to be bored shitless for 95% of the film. Can you imagine my surprise when I realised I was actually enjoying it? Spy Kids is a fun, fast paced, brightly coloured adventure. I didn't think it was possible to make a film without sex, drugs and violence, but you can! And it can still be good!

Anyway, Rob's in the film for about 10 minutes, which is about 80 minutes too short, in my opinion. He plays an evil businessman who's out to take over the world. Thus, he gets to wear exceptionally snazzy suits and look damn fine. His role reminded me of "Coach Willis" in The Faculty - there's that same comedic touch which is just a hoot to watch! He does share a scene with Terri Hatcher (playing a double agent) and I couldn't help but wonder what was going through each other's minds...

I was annoyed by the McProductPlacement, the heavy moralising at the end and the Willy Wonka similarities, but If you've got kids, or just want to watch some fun without adult concepts, go see Spy Kids (or rent it).

All the Pretty Horses

Rob was only in the film for a few minutes. He looked good though, and you get a gratuitous singlet shot to boot ( was that a <gasp> nipple? ). I didn't bother with the rest of the film. Apparently the book is much better and you dont have to look at Matt Damon every five seconds.

Eye of the Eagle

Eye of the Eagle is the first in a series of films featuring a bunch of US Special Forces in Vietnam. As if one film wasn't going to be bad enough! Behind Enemy Lines is the sequel to this film - I've watched them out of sequence and it made no difference. They are both painful. In EotE Rob plays Johnny Ransom, a gung-ho young soldier. His lines mainly consist of "screw you" and "screw you too". I didn't understand what the hell was going on in this film. It just made no sense whatsoever. I can recall something about a breakaway group of soldiers and drug trafficking, and that's about it. Suffice to say, Rob's team of guys save the day. I would recommend ingesting large quantities of beer before attempting to watch this film. Also be prepared for the worst editing you have ever seen...

 

Equalizer 2000

The cover of this video is promising no? Bare chested blokes, bikini clad birds and big barrel bazookas. I had such high hopes for this film... It's another post-apocalypse Mad Max rip off with tribes scattered across the land, driving around in heavily armoured vehicles (read: they stuck cardboard spikes on them) fighting one another to get their hands on the Equalizer (a rather lame, not at all impressive weapon). Rob is Deke, leader of the not quite good and not quite bad gang. His jeans have got a nice tear across the butt, but we never get a close up! It was torture! This film was marginally better than Eye Of The Eagle, and that's not saying much.

 

D-Tox

This film was made in 1999 and has only just got a limited cinema release in Australia (2002). Doesn't sound too promising does it? I must say it's not as bad as I thought it would be, but it's certainly not good either. Robert Patrick plays a amphetamine addicted ex SWAT team dude, in a film about serial cop killers & group therapy. He sports the tightest black t-shirt, army pants, combat boots & ultra short haircut. For this alone I recommended D-Tox. Actually, RP is the only reason I would recommend the film. As usual, Rob puts in a stellar performance, and it's a shame he didn't get more screen time. For some pix of RP in D-Tox, click here.

 

Mexico City

Believe it or not, this was quite an enjoyable movie. Robert's character, Ambassador Mills (or Vice Consul as he actually is), helps an American woman search for her lost brother in Mexico. We're never quite sure if he's trying to help her or not. I enjoyed this aspect of his character and wish it could have been developed further. All in all, this is a pretty straight role in a serious film. Don't expect too much of Robert, he's only in a handful of scenes. Mexico City is notable for the return of Zero Tolerance style boofy hair.

 

Angels Don't Sleep Here

Ahhh, Bobby Briggs... I always wondered what happened to Twin Peaks' bad boy, Bobby. Now I know. He grew up and became a forensic analyst and starred in a really shitty made for TV movie. Dana Ashbrook might as well be reprising his Twin Peaks role, because he's still in the same wardrobe, doesn't look a day older, and he's just as clueless. Sadly, Robert is not this film's Agent Cooper. Rob again takes the role of Detective Somethingorother, and yep, you guessed it, he's the bad guy as well. There are one or two plot twists to keep you guessing (not about who the bad guy is though) and the action moves along at a fast pace. I get the feeling the story wasn't fleshed out enough, as I had to watch it twice before things made sense. The cast includes other TV 'stars'; Kelly Rutherford (Kindred, Melrose Place) and some other guy from Kindred, who was also on Charmed once (I think). Two Kindred cast members in the same movie is generally not a good omen. I should also mention that RP sings in this movie. Rent it just for that. Please. It's a killer.

 

Rag and Bone

For some strange reason this video has been in my local store for years and I never found it until now. After viewing it, I realised that I really wasn't meant to find it, and should have put it back on the shelf. Don't get me wrong, Robert is good enough, it's just that he's surrounded by utter crap. The first warning sign is Superman (Dean Cain). Not only does Superman have the leading role, he also produced it... Uh-oh. I really should have switched off when the titles rolled on and it said "based on the novel by Anne Rice"... When has any Anne Rice adaptation ever been any good?! Despite my better judgment I watched Rag and Bone. It was B A D. Robert's role (a ghost no less!) was never fully explained nor were the reasons behind his re-appearance, or why he was haunting Superman in the first place (perhaps revenge for a truly crap TV series?). Quick summary: Superman is an ex-preist-turned-cop. He shoots one of his ex-parishoners (a young man) and is the haunted by Robert Patrick. Superman needs to clear his name and prove he acted in self defence. A few other plot lines (corrupt politicians, corrupt police) spring up along the way and get in the way of exploring RP's character.

 

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