|Reviews of Robert Films
As I've just started on Rob's back catalogue,
I don't have that many reviews up yet. It appears that he has done
a lot of good guy action films, and is often cast as the romantic
lead (well, as romantic as action film sex scenes get). Robert is
a very skilled actor and is genuinely convincing in some of his
|The X Files (TV Series)
is FBI Special Agent John Doggett called in to oversee the Search
For Mulder. He is excellent in this role and I look forward to Season
9. Having seen Rob do the comedy thing I think Agent Doggett needs
to lighten up a bit and crack a few jokes. Oh, and a few scenes
of Doggett in jeans and a tight t-shirt would be nice as well.
Season 9 has started screening in the US and
by all accounts we're going to be in for a treat....
|The Sopranos (TV Series)
saw a few of these episodes with Rob. He played a friend of Tony's
who was part of a betting circle. He always owed money and I'm pretty
sure he gets what's coming to him.
Rutger Hauer who's only good film was Blade Runner. The plot is
crap, the film is crap, and Rob is pretty crap too. It's a airforce-action-film,
which is in my opinion the worst type. Even worse than Vietnam-action-films.
Engage brain to non-operational before viewing.
|The Vivero Letter
AKA The Forgotten City
Rob goes all Tombraider and searches for the Mysterious City of
Gold. Weak plot, bad acting all round. The compensation? Rob sweating
it out in the jungle. What annoyed me most in this film was the
buxom blonde - she appeared in one scene, then another, and worked
her way up to quite a role, but we were never introduced to her!
She has no name! Looks like the editor chopped that bit out.
is the leader of a renegade SWAT team out to see justice done. Not
a terrible film, but not particularly good either. Rob's death scene
was disappointing. "Bang" and he's dead :( I expected
him to go down in a hail of bullets. For those of you who are partial
to Agent Doggett's Kevlar outfit from The X Files, I urge
you to rent this film - you will not be disappointed.
is a white Supremacist. I didn't actually watch this film, just
Rob's parts. He does a good accent and is quite convincing as a
starring Sly Stallone, this is a great film. Saw it at the cinema
and enjoyed. I've just seen it on video and was even more impressed
the second time around. Rob plays a bad ass cop who hangs with other
bad ass cops. They pretty much run their own town. Stallone is the
local Sheriff who decides he can no longer turn a blind eye to the
goings-on in Garrison, New Jersey. Rob is excellent in this film
- he plays the bad guy so well it's scary. This film also has a
great cast - De Niro, Keitel, Liotta, Janeane Garofalo, and Annabella
Sciorra. I highly recommend this film not just to see Rob, but because
it's got a plot, good character development, and requires you to
have your brain on.
goes undercover in a mental hospital to find out why his friend
suicided. Along the way he discovers patients have gone missing,
suspected murdered. Costars Malcom MacDowell (A Clockwork Orange)
and that scary guy from The Burbs. Rob's acting is excellent
and the film is not bad either. Well worth a look.
this was great! For all the wrong reasons of course. Rob is a psycho
ex-bodyguard called back by his old boss to protect his daughter.
Rob enlists the help of another psycho ex-bodyguard (the guy from
RoboCop) and together they try to out-psycho one another! Well
not quite, but they are hilarious. Rob standing on the bonnet of
a bus driving head-on into the bad guys whilst wielding guns and
screaming "come on you losers" is classic.
|Hong Kong 97
is a James Bond type undercover agent. Terrible film, Rob shoots
at baddies in the nude, so he must have some talent, but even that
can't save the film.
Possible explanation: HK97 is directed by the
same guy who did Knights
and Spitfire. I rest
being a crappy action film, this one was actually very good. It
was fast paced, had lots of explosions, and Rob rode around on a
motorcycle shooting bad guys. Not sure about the white sneakers
and puffy jacket though... I love the first few scenes of this film
with Rob and two other FBI agents travelling to Mexico.
average thriller in which Rob plays a paparazzi photographer who
gets set up for the murder of a famous singer. Not a lot going for
it. Rob has bleached hair and looks like Dawson from Dawson's
Creek, not at all like the cover seen to the right.
swear the hair & makeup guys said "Make him look like Gary
Oldman in the Fifth Element" because Rob could pass
off as his twin in this film. Stupid hair and beard only add to
the novelty value. Not a bad film, but it is for kids. Also stars
Alyssa Milano pre-implants. My partner begs to differ and insists
she has them "in".
|Terminator 2: Judgment Day
big one. It was strange to be watching T2 again - a bit like
watching T1 only to see Lance. You know the plot, you even
know most of the dialogue, yet you discover so much more! Like even
bigger plot holes... What can I say? Rob is sensational as the T-1000!
He is so machine-like it's scary. I really loved some of the early
scenes where Arnie is shooting at Rob in the hallway near the amusement
arcade. Rob took quite a few slugs and his "take impact but
keep walking" style was brilliant. He obviously has a very
keen sense of balance and put a lot of effort into the physical
portrayal of the T-1000.
Of particular interest to me were the running
scenes. It's not a natural style by any means, and I suspect Rob
was trying to be machine-like here as well - the movements are very
stiff and forced, yet somehow fluid at the same time, and very nice
to watch :)
Speaking of eye candy, I just loved the scene
where Rob is walking out of the truck wreck/fire and he's got on
those tight motorcycle-cop pants and knee high boots... Other noteworthy
eye-candy included the boyish smile at the home of John Conner.
Awww, he looked so young and innocent.
Overall, there was less of Rob than I was expecting,
and he really doesn't say much or do much except act like an intense
machine and do a few stunts. I was a bit disappointed I guess, but
I think I've worked out the secret to Rob's intensity : tilt your
head down slightly, keep your eyes up and do not blink - ever. I
think that kind of attention to detail is what helps RP stand out
from his peers.
|Killer Instinct AKA Behind
bad action film, this time set in Vietnam. Rob has got to free some
mates from a Russian base. He escaped once, but he's gonna go back
and finish it off. Somewhat confusing storyline, but you do get
Rob-on-motorbike action to compensate.
|A Breed Apart aka
halfway through this one. Rob is some kind of ex-Mafia type. Very
sleazy and very funny. Unfortunately, costars Portia de Rossi. I'm
wishing now that I had just left it half way and let it go. The
second half of the film was worse than the first. Rob cops a bullet
in the leg at the end of the film. And he wears brown pants and
white slimeball shoes.
|Fire In The Sky
on a true story about a young man who is abducted by aliens while
his friends look on. The towns people don't believe them and they
are accused of murder. I didn't recognise Rob at first and when
I did I pissed myself laughing - he looks hilarious. Features the
infamous double-check outfit. Rob's acting is very good, and the
film isn't too bad either. The alien spaceship scenes are wonderful
- different from the usual alien type stuff, but a bit violent for
my liking. The film's ending was a bit weak.
had been warned that this was a bad film, and rightly so. It's just
plain crap. Demi Moore is even crappier. Rob on the other hand was
the film's saving grace. He plays Demi Moore's white trash husband,
who has custody of their daughter. He earns a living by stealing
wheelchairs! Watch for the staggering around the boat scene - it's
priceless. This film is more proof that Rob is an excellent comedy
|The Cool Surface
the cover looks promising doesn't it? When a film openly promotes
itself as an "erotic thriller" you know you're in trouble...and
there is no turning back. Rob is a Hollywood writer who seduces
the woman who lives next door (Terri Hatcher) who is surprise, surprise,
a wannabe actress. Because Rob is such a useless writer, the only
thing he can think to write about is his relationship with the actress
next door. So you get a lot of hot sweaty sex scenes that turn out
to be nothing more than Rob's overactive imagination. What a cunning
way to add gratuitous nudity to a film. I must remember that for
my first screenplay. The first half of the film bored me to tears.
It only became interesting (and I use the term rather loosely) when
Rob starts yelling and smashing things. Oh I geddit now. He's not
mentally stable... I won't spoil the ending for anyone, but I will
say that I saw it coming before I even put the tape into the video,
so you can all probably guess what happens. The film features a
running motif of wolves and howling (not by Rob sadly, that might
have spiced it up a bit). I think it's trying to allude to the evil
within us all - what lies beneath the 'cool surface'. An exceptionally
disappointing film all round. Features Rob with the dorkiest hair
and glasses combo even seen. I'm taking a point of Rob's tally for
this too dammit.
|The Only Thrill
I fell asleep waiting for Rob to appear. When he did it was definitely
worth the wait - he's sunbathing by a pool and smokin' ;) Rob is
fairly boring in this film though. It's your standard "Midday
Movie" about lost love / lack of commitment. The editors have
employed the 'fade to black' at the end of each scene, so every
10 minutes I was hoping it would be the end of the film. But it
never was. It dragged on and on and on and then it was 10 years
later and it kept going on and on and nothing was happening and
then it was 6 years later and Rob hadn't aged a bit, neither had
anyone else except for the grey hair dye, and yet it kept going
on and on, a bit like this review. In short, it lacked substance
and direction. Don't bother wasting your time with this one. The
Only Thrill was when the credits rolled on. "Thank God, it's
|The Outer Limits
: episode "The Quality of Mercy"
story: Earth has been at war with alien races for years, it's now
20-something (i.e. in the future). Rob is a fighter pilot who is
captured by aliens. He is thrown into a Styrofoam cell with another
prisoner - Bree, who is being experimented on by the aliens. Rob
is very macho and spends his day cutting through the Styrofoam bars
hoping to escape... The story is rather weak, as is the acting -
including Rob. Rob appears in an purple jumpsuit with lots of Velcro
straps. Ooh, CyberRob! All he needs is a proper pair of boots and
a dye job and I'll take him clubbing! The jumpsuit doesn't really
flatter his figure, so it was a relief to see him take it off. Underneath
he has on another jumpsuit but this time it's grey and very clingy...
like a full body long-john... It is as ugly as sin, but shall we
just say, it highlights ALL of his physique ;) Worth watching if
only to see Rob climbing up Styrofoam walls in the aforementioned
grey underwear... oh, and eating a live slug.
|Die Hard 2: Die Harder
Rob says about 4 words and is on screen for a total of about 3 minutes,
during which time he practices some T-1000 intensity and two-handed
gun shooting. Thankfully his scene is early on in the film so I
didn't have to watch it all. Don't ask me about the rest of the
film because once Rob died I refused to watch any more. Only for
the ObsessedRobFan who really wants to see all his films.
Alrightee. We have two "goddammit's", two "fuck's",
one "shit", throwing over a table *and* a tight t-shirt
and shorts combo all in the first 60 seconds in a film about alien
invasion. Phew. Could it get any better? Well yes it does. He then
stabs a pencil through a poor teacher's hand! Rob is the coach of
the school football team and he is the first staff member to be
taken over by aliens. Naturally, he becomes EvilCoach, but he adds
such a comic touch to the role it's impossible not to enjoy it.
His facial expressions are fantastic and had me rolling on the floor
laughing! Rob is so good at this type of role. I have to say I enjoyed
the film as well, it wasn't as bad as I would have expected for
a 90's-teen-horror-comedy-thriller. Rob has a fairly large role,
so I would definitely recommend this film.
|From Dusk Till Dawn 2 :
Texas Blood Money
Warning! This film may result in dehydration caused by excessive
A bunch of thugs put together Blues Brothers
style by Rob go to Texas to rob a bank. On the way one of them gets
bitten by a vampire bat and before you know it, he's turned his
mates into bloodthirsty vampires as well. Rob manages to avoid being
bitten, but gets arrested by the cops instead during an excessively
drawn out and over the top battle scene.
I'm sure if I sat down with my Film Studies 101 book I'd
be able to give a convincing argument for the quality of the filmmaking
- it has interesting camera work (lots of point-of-view shots) and
slick editing which contribute to and reinforce the film's themes,
however, the story is nothing special and the plot holes leave a
lot to be desired. The eclipse still baffles me.
But that's not why you should rent this film. Rob is the lead
character and he has never looked better (IMHO). It's a pretty funny
film so just sit back and enjoy. Highlights include the dog-on-steriods
scene ("You're pumping steroids into a pooch? Jesus, that's
immoral") and the motel-porno scene ("I watch fuck movies
for the fucking").
|Last Action Hero
Rob makes a cameo appearance as the T-1000. Blink and you will indeed
miss him. He walks past Arnie as he's coming out of the police station/studio.
You get a very brief close up of Rob with his best intense face
on. As for the film, I don't know - I watched it on fast forward
and it looked pretty bad. File this one together wth Die
Hard 2 under ObssessedRobFans only.
Rob has a small role in this film as the redneck ex-Marine husband
of the leading lady (a blonde who works as a stripper). She falls
for high-profile lawyer Tom Berenger (ewwww. gross). Rob gets
a bit peeved that she's having an affair with such an ugly man so
he attempts to blackmail him. It doesn't go according to Rob's plan
and he dies. Sorry to spoil it for you all but how else could I explain
why I didn't watch all of the film? :)
The film itself is pretty bad, and Rob is the only thing worth
watching. He gets to ride a Harley but we don't get any close-ups
|The Real Adventures
of Jonny Quest (animated)
Robert voices the charcter of Race Bannon, the red-headed girl's
father. (I didn't catch her name - I was too busy laughing). It's
just too funny when he speaks - it's really weird hearing Rob's
voice but not seeing his face. There's not much of a physical similarity
between Rob and Race other than the fact that Race's got a blond
I've seen the episdoes 'Assault on Questworld'
and 'Ndovu's Last Journey". It's not a terrible kids cartoon,
but give me The Mysterious Cities of Gold anyday.
Rob looks rather fine at the start of this film, but it all goes
downhill once he starts drawing on his face with an Artline pen
and wearing a Tarzan style nappy. And why would he do that? Because
he's been possessed by the spirit of a Totec Indian he killed -
in self defence - 6 years earlier. So,
Rob gets to kill a few people and chow down on their flesh. mmmm,
fleshhh... and thanks to the nappy, we get to see a fair bit of
Rob's flesh too... This film wasn't too bad, it was watchable,
but sadly, a little predictable. Rob, when not in Tarzan mode, is
actually really good. He goes for a lot of subtle facial expressions
that convey so much more than the dialogue could ever hope to.
For the eagle eyed / bored viewers - watch out
for all the spots on Rob where the fake tanning lotion didn't take!
Ok, so it's a kids film and it's got Antonio Banderas. I was fully
expecting to be bored shitless for 95% of the film. Can you imagine
my surprise when I realised I was actually enjoying it? Spy Kids
is a fun, fast paced, brightly coloured adventure. I didn't think
it was possible to make a film without sex, drugs and violence,
but you can! And it can still be good!
Anyway, Rob's in the film for about 10 minutes,
which is about 80 minutes too short, in my opinion. He plays an
evil businessman who's out to take over the world. Thus, he gets
to wear exceptionally snazzy suits and look damn fine. His role
reminded me of "Coach Willis" in The
Faculty - there's that same comedic touch which is just a hoot
to watch! He does share a scene with Terri Hatcher (playing a double
agent) and I couldn't help but wonder what was going through each
I was annoyed by the McProductPlacement, the
heavy moralising at the end and the Willy Wonka similarities,
but If you've got kids, or just want to watch some fun without adult
concepts, go see Spy Kids (or rent it).
|All the Pretty Horses
Rob was only in the film for a few minutes. He looked good though,
and you get a gratuitous singlet shot to boot ( was that a <gasp>
nipple? ). I didn't bother with the rest of the film. Apparently
the book is much better and you dont have to look at Matt Damon
every five seconds.
|Eye of the Eagle
Eye of the Eagle is the first in a series of films featuring a bunch
of US Special Forces in Vietnam. As if one film wasn't going to
be bad enough! Behind Enemy Lines is the sequel
to this film - I've watched them out of sequence and it made no
difference. They are both painful. In EotE Rob plays Johnny Ransom,
a gung-ho young soldier. His lines mainly consist of "screw
you" and "screw you too". I didn't understand what
the hell was going on in this film. It just made no sense whatsoever.
I can recall something about a breakaway group of soldiers and drug
trafficking, and that's about it. Suffice to say, Rob's team of
guys save the day. I would recommend ingesting large quantities
of beer before attempting to watch this film. Also be prepared for
the worst editing you have ever seen...
The cover of this video is promising no? Bare chested blokes, bikini
clad birds and big barrel bazookas. I had such high hopes for this
film... It's another post-apocalypse Mad Max rip off with tribes
scattered across the land, driving around in heavily armoured vehicles
(read: they stuck cardboard spikes on them) fighting one another
to get their hands on the Equalizer (a rather lame, not at all impressive
weapon). Rob is Deke, leader of the not quite good and not quite
bad gang. His jeans have got a nice tear across the butt, but we
never get a close up! It was torture! This film was marginally better
than Eye Of The Eagle, and that's not saying
film was made in 1999 and has only just got a limited cinema release
in Australia (2002). Doesn't sound too promising does it? I must
say it's not as bad as I thought it would be, but it's certainly
not good either. Robert Patrick plays a amphetamine addicted ex
SWAT team dude, in a film about serial cop killers & group therapy.
He sports the tightest black t-shirt, army pants, combat boots &
ultra short haircut. For this alone I recommended D-Tox.
Actually, RP is the only reason I would recommend the film. As usual,
Rob puts in a stellar performance, and it's a shame he didn't get
more screen time. For some pix of RP in D-Tox, click
Believe it or not, this was quite an enjoyable
movie. Robert's character, Ambassador Mills (or Vice Consul as he
actually is), helps an American woman search for her lost brother
in Mexico. We're never quite sure if he's trying to help her or
not. I enjoyed this aspect of his character and wish it could have
been developed further. All in all, this is a pretty straight role
in a serious film. Don't expect too much of Robert, he's only in
a handful of scenes. Mexico City is notable for the return of Zero
Tolerance style boofy hair.
|Angels Don't Sleep Here
Ahhh, Bobby Briggs... I always wondered what
happened to Twin Peaks' bad boy, Bobby. Now I know. He grew
up and became a forensic analyst and starred in a really shitty
made for TV movie. Dana Ashbrook might as well be reprising his
Twin Peaks role, because he's still in the same wardrobe,
doesn't look a day older, and he's just as clueless. Sadly, Robert
is not this film's Agent Cooper. Rob again takes the role of Detective
Somethingorother, and yep, you guessed it, he's the bad guy as well.
There are one or two plot twists to keep you guessing (not about
who the bad guy is though) and the action moves along at a fast
pace. I get the feeling the story wasn't fleshed out enough, as
I had to watch it twice before things made sense. The cast includes
other TV 'stars'; Kelly Rutherford (Kindred, Melrose Place)
and some other guy from Kindred, who was also on Charmed
once (I think). Two Kindred cast members in the same movie
is generally not a good omen. I should also mention that RP sings
in this movie. Rent it just for that. Please. It's a killer.
|Rag and Bone
For some strange reason this video has been
in my local store for years and I never found it until now. After
viewing it, I realised that I really wasn't meant to find it, and
should have put it back on the shelf. Don't get me wrong, Robert
is good enough, it's just that he's surrounded by utter crap. The
first warning sign is Superman (Dean Cain). Not only does Superman
have the leading role, he also produced it... Uh-oh. I really should
have switched off when the titles rolled on and it said "based on
the novel by Anne Rice"... When has any Anne Rice adaptation ever
been any good?! Despite my better judgment I watched Rag and Bone.
It was B A D. Robert's role (a ghost no less!) was never fully explained
nor were the reasons behind his re-appearance, or why he was haunting
Superman in the first place (perhaps revenge for a truly crap TV
series?). Quick summary: Superman is an ex-preist-turned-cop. He
shoots one of his ex-parishoners (a young man) and is the haunted
by Robert Patrick. Superman needs to clear his name and prove he
acted in self defence. A few other plot lines (corrupt politicians,
corrupt police) spring up along the way and get in the way of exploring
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